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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I insist on proof?

35 replies

Mylittlerobin · 14/10/2019 10:37

Okay I know this might sound crazy but my partner (we live together and have been together for two years) and who I love very much has searches and visits to sites with local escorts on his phone history. This has happened more than once. We are both very open with our phones and I was checking his history to look for a site we both wanted to look at again. He gave me his password a long time ago.

He is at a complete loss explaining how it got there only to say he watches films sometimes and goes on 'dodgy' websites sometimes (to access stuff like TV series) and it must have been a pop up that he looked at.

Finding this for the second time yesterday I have flipped, packed his stuff and told him it's over because for me this is unacceptable, worse even than porn because it is local women. He was devastated and practically begged me to understand. I'm saying I will give things another go only if he can prove, maybe via a phone expert, that these were accidental searches. Am I being a mug here and should I insist on proof? He's very tech savvy so I would expect him to be able to know how this is showing in his history......

Our relationship is amazing otherwise, he is attentive, loving, sweet and reliable BUT I wonder if this is a red flag and if he needs this 'outlet' or whatever it is then I don't want a man like that. He proudly tells me he has never cheated on a woman in his life and promises me he would never consider using an escort or do anything to jeopardise our relationship.

Do all men look at these sites? Is it normal? Could it be accidental? If he is looking at them why not admit it? If I am wrong and he is innocent I will feel so guilty. So do I insist on proof and any ideas on how I would get this?

OP posts:
Neverender · 14/10/2019 10:40

Proof that he visited them accidentally? That's impossible...you either trust him or you don't and it sounds like you don't.

Beebeezed · 14/10/2019 10:42

If he visits porn sites it wouldn’t surprise me if escort sites came up as pop ups. If it was a pop up it would explain why he didn’t delete it from his history if he’s tech savvy and aware you know his passwords and go through his phone. Be hard to prove either way though!

Butchyrestingface · 14/10/2019 10:43

I would not believe him and I can’t see how he can prove they were pop ups, even if innocent.

TheQueef · 14/10/2019 10:44

What do you think about men who are happy to buy sex?

MummytoCSJH · 14/10/2019 10:46

There's no way to prove it was accidental. YABU and a bit ridiculous I think to suggest an expert. If you don't trust him, and it seems like you don't, then end it. It isn't fair on either of you.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/10/2019 10:50

Oh fgs.

Save your energy and dump him. You know the truth, right? No they aren't pop ups, they wouldn't show as searches.

'I love him very much' is your undoing here. And no, normal nice men who love you back don't go searching for local escorts to shag.

Glad you flipped. Stay flipped and get him gone.

gwackywacky · 14/10/2019 10:50

Pop ups would not create searches or visited sites. You have to actually search for stuff to be a search. I wouldn't believe this sorry

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2019 10:53

Oh cmon. If they show as searches that's what they are. And no one searches local prostitutes because they are bored. They have intent at least there.

gwackywacky · 14/10/2019 10:57

I do find it sad and depressing that a seemingly nice open guy would be looking for prostitutes.
I mean porn ok hookup sites obviously treacherous and horrible but okay but prostitutes? Seriously? How sad

DeathStare · 14/10/2019 11:03

OP have you ever accidentally found one of these sites when searching something else entirely? Nope? Me neither. And you say sites (plural). So he wants you to believe he's had this accident multiple times. And that each time he didn't even realise he had had this accident (despite being tech savvy). And that after the first one you found out about he didn't go out of his way to be much more careful not to have any more "accidents" (despite again being tech savvy). Of course he's lying. He just didn't expect to get caught.

TORDEVAN · 14/10/2019 11:08

Pop ups would not create searches or visited sites

This is only true for in page pop ups. There are some sites where the pop ups open in a new tab and will show as visited sites in history (e.g. a piratey torrent site). If this is what happened then there should be a pattern in the history (like site, site, spam site, site, site, spam site) and it should be the same both times.

If, by chance, it is a pop-up that has happened to him on 2 different occasions then he might be able to return to the site it happened on and have it happen again.

Is it the kind of site you'd have an account on? Can you check his emails for this site's name?

Grumpymcgrumperson · 14/10/2019 11:12

Could easily be pop ups. Ask him what sites he visits, go on yourself, and see if you get any pop ups or anything odd in your search history

wijjjy · 14/10/2019 11:13

If you look for streaming sites for sport then these can produce some very dodgy pop ups for escorts and porn.

But these should not appear as searches.

Grumpymcgrumperson · 14/10/2019 11:16

everyone is being really hysterical on this thread, as usual. Of course you can check - in the way that I just said. I visited a movie download site the other day (not porn!) and three extra tabs opened automatically. They were for crappy game sites. All three were in my history. I didn’t touch anything on any of the sites and I definitely didn’t visit on purpose. Give the guy a chance and just go on the sites he says he’s been on, on your own phone or laptop. It’s a really easy way to check.

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 14/10/2019 11:19

Pop ups from porn often open in a new tab, so they could show up, but if it’s in his searches then he’s actually searched for it surely?

AnnieOH1 · 14/10/2019 11:21

I'm in no way being an apologist here, and also I'm not trying to suggest that IF he's done this that it's okay.

But I can confirm from personal experience where I've been using streams of US shows that are months away from release here (normal drama series like Chicago Fire, Suits or a few years ago House, Big Love or Lost) that is EXACTLY what happens. Adblockers do help to an extent but some sites block the stream till you open it up.

Have you ever been on a site and pop ups and new windows start opening at a rate of knots? That's what happens. And unfortunately most of them are prostitutes, porn, Viagra/stimulants or "local woman is millionaire find out how".

Only you can judge his reaction, but to me (external third party but with experience of these pop ups etc) it sounds genuine.

I would wholly recommend that you also see if there's any malware on the device. Some apps can also do similar things, especially some of the gambling games (not necessarily linked to any actual gambling but stuff like poker instead of solitaire iyswim).

NoSauce · 14/10/2019 11:26

It is understandable that you want to find another reason for these searches to be on his phone but there isn’t one, I believe. Keep his stuff packed up and insist that he leaves would be my advice OP.

Mummyoftwo91 · 14/10/2019 11:33

Happened recently to someone I know I actually thought this post was her but she's already left him, he was visiting prostitutes she eventually found out

Shoxfordian · 14/10/2019 11:36

I don't believe that it was an accident op
Don't be a mug

GoldLeafTree · 14/10/2019 11:36

If it was a pop-up ad from a film streaming website then surely the film streaming website would be underneath the hook up website in the history. Is it there? Then that would back up his story

MulticolourMophead · 14/10/2019 11:37

Echoing others, in that I've had dodgy sites open up in new tabs before now, including porn or escorts.

I've got my adblockers, antivirus, etc, etc, all beefed up now and it rarely happens.

GoldLeafTree · 14/10/2019 11:37

Also when you say searches to these sites, so you mean he's actually Google searches for these websites?

MrsMaiselsMuff · 14/10/2019 11:40

If he's tech savvy and choosing to go to these sites, he'd have hidden the results from you. It's very easy to hide both searches and pages visited. That would make me believe him.

Also, all because something shows up as 'lusty ladies of Devon', it doesn't mean that they are or that is what has been searched for. The site knows your location from your IP address, and the site will seemingly present you with local results.

Shellandwhale · 14/10/2019 11:46

I think it depends what you mean by 'searches'.

I get location based pop ups all the time, because some adverts are working out your geographic location based on where you are browsing from. So, for example, I get '50 year old women in Shellandwhale Town are saving money on skincare with this neat trick'. It also happens with dodgy dating sites.

I would imagine that this could happen to him if he is browsing porn websites, as they feature similar adverts for escorts or hookup sites.

ImNotYourGranny · 14/10/2019 11:50

I agree with others. I watch tv shows and films on a 'dodgy' sites and the adverts and pops ups are often the kind of sites you describe.

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