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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for your Green Flag experiences in a relationship?

74 replies

AGermFreeAdolescent · 13/10/2019 20:34

The big or little things that are the total opposite to Red Flags that made you think that this person was something special.

Mine: My ex boyfriend and I were on a first date. Amongst other things we talked about books and shared favourite books and authors that we liked. On our second date he gave me a book and told me to open it and it had a personalised note to me in it, signed by the author! (Distinctive handwriting so I know it was legitimate). It was really kind and even though I know it wasn't difficult for him personally to get it, it was just the fact that he did. I knew right there and then that I really liked him and we were together for years. Unfortunately, it didn't work out in the long run, but we're still friends! Even more unfortunately, I haven't met anybody nowhere near as kind as he was since. I still have the book :)

OP posts:
Smileatthesmallthings · 13/10/2019 22:43

Mine's really daft. 12 years together and a few months ago we replaced our bed, mattress, pillows etc. When they turned up there was an extra pillow in the bundle that was memory foam instead of the ones that came in the bundle deal. I thought they'd got it wrong, but no, DP remembered that when we were trying out mattresses one shop gave us a memory foam pillow to try and I loved it so much, so ordered one for me specially. I'd completely forgotten. It made me cry 😂

Velveteenfruitbowl · 13/10/2019 23:16
  1. Telling me that I didn’t have to remove body hair for his sake, it should be something I do because I want to.
  1. Getting on with people regardless of their nationality, race, class occupation, religion, political affiliation etc. Basically being able to treat a person like a person rather than an opinion which he doesn’t agree with or a culture which is different to his.
  1. Being willing to listen when you critique their relationship behaviour, bring critical of their behaviour themselves and, saying sorry when they realise they’ve done something wrong.
  1. Being able to admit that their opening position was incorrect in an intellectual argument.
  1. Never loosing his temper no matter how horrible someone is being to him.
theWarOnPeace · 13/10/2019 23:38

Lots of green flags, the beauty of all of them is that he never made any kind of big deal about himself and didn’t seem to realise how great he was. Not in an unconfident sense, more that he didn’t ever ‘virtue signal’. I noticed tonnes of green flags after only a few dates. Off the top of my head:

Always insisted on collecting me and dropping me back after dates, with no hints or pressure. That’s the ideal standard of course, but I’d never actually experienced it before.

After me pushing him to come in for a drink after dropping me off, after a few dates, we had sex finally and he was so unselfish!

He used to always buy me plants, instead of flowers, which I loved.

When we had been on only a couple of dates, I had to cancel as I was properly sick, some kind of virus. He brought me soup and medicine and sat with me a bit even though I was mortified. He kept putting a cold compress on my head and read a book to me. I woke up to a note (he had never stayed before and didn’t want to be inappropriate). He came back the next morning on he way to work to drop off fresh juice.

He looked after his nephew and invested a lot of time and money into him. His brother was/is a feckless git but he never made anything of it, and never even mentioned his brother, just got in with it. His nephew is now a real high flyer after my now DH put him through school and university.

He can cook AND do DIY!

Very generous. With time, money, energy, anything. He gives first, without question most of the time. He’s not a fool though, just not right at all.

A big green flag was that he has loads of make and female friends going right back to childhood, who he has lovely relationships with but they’re not in each other’s pockets. They’re all kind and very much functioning professional people, there’s no weird ones or mates that encourage him to go on benders.

There’s loads more, I’m sure.

DorisTheFlorist · 13/10/2019 23:41

I went out with a chap on a date. On the way home his car broke down. It took over 4 hours for Green Flag to come out. I will never again date somebody who is not a member of The AA

Ohyesiam · 13/10/2019 23:53

From the start I noticed how he was able to have warm easy interactions with everyone, from toddlers to teens to the elderly. Everyone from waiters to important business contacts were shown the same respect.

RainMinusBow · 14/10/2019 00:02

I met my fiancé through OLD. He was actively looking to meet a lady who already had children as he'd always wanted to be a parent and have a family. He had resigned himself to the fact that at 41 and meeting women who were at a point in their lives where the likelihood was they had already completed their families he was not going to become a biological father. I told him I was one of those women and he accepted that wholeheartedly.
Over time he became an amazing role model to my boys and has fitted in perfectly into family life. My boys live with their dad half of the time so he's comfortably found his place within our set-up if that makes sense?
At almost 39 I kind of changed my mind about having another child (yes, I must be mad!) I'm 7 weeks pregnant so fingers crossed he'll be a daddy after all 😊

SprinkleDash · 14/10/2019 00:16

We’d officially been together a month. Both at separate unis so didn’t see each other much at that time (this is WAY over a decade ago). Both went out and got drunk. I literally threw myself at him when we got home offering sex up on a plate. He (18 at the time) said ‘you’re drunk, it wouldn’t be right’. I told him he must be gay! 😳

I woke up feeling both delicate and embarrassed the next morning with water by my beside and him curled up on my floor on my dressing gown.

LauraPalmersBodybag · 14/10/2019 00:25

I had form for bad relationships with people who exhibited the same damaging behaviour as my now estranged father.

When I met my dh I realised that he was the opposite of all of these people. Just in each and every way and he made me feel safe.

We’ve been together for 13 years. Our relationships had plenty of problems and ups and downs but we’ve endured and have 2 happy children together.

darkriver19886 · 14/10/2019 00:29

Reading this thread and realising that I have never had a green flag relationship. I am a walking red flag due to my mental health. Hopefully one day I can get to that place.

Ponoka7 · 14/10/2019 08:07

It shows how difficult red flags are to spot because many of the anecdotes told on this thread could be love bombing or control, from the start (the insisting of collecting and dropping off).

A lot seem to be intense or involved at the start.

"He was actively looking to meet a lady who already had children"
That could most definitely go many ways.

I've been in an abusive relationship and could write stuff that would mirror what has been said. That's how they reel you in and look perfect to me outside world.

It's the intentions behind the actions and you have no way of knowing them.

SimonJT · 14/10/2019 08:57

When he stays over he does my 1am bloods so I get a whole nights sleep.

He survives my drunkness/hangovers.

He doesn’t expect my relationships with my friends to change.

He doesn’t complain about going to watch rugby despite still not quite getting the rules etc.

user1471519931 · 14/10/2019 09:09

At a first restaurant date, ordered really well and encouraged me to try all of his dishes - a foodie and a generous man!

Caring about his friends and family. Loves animals, even rescues spiders and releases them into the garden.

This thread should go in classics.

paap1975 · 14/10/2019 09:20

My nephews and my friends' kids love him.
My parents' very nervous rescue dog loves him.
He doesn't hold a grudge
He encourages me to treat myself
He always suggests I take the car and he takes public transport, rather than the other way round
When I work from home he gets up really quietly and leaves me breakfast, a little note and a flower from the garden ready for when I get up
He loves me more than I love myself

AlanThePig · 14/10/2019 09:38

When he met my 10 month old son. I went in the kitchen to put the kettle on and when I returned he and DS were on the floor, giggling like mad and surrounded by toys.
25 years later he’s still amazing.

theWarOnPeace · 14/10/2019 09:47

It shows how difficult red flags are to spot because many of the anecdotes told on this thread could be love bombing or control, from the start (the insisting of collecting and dropping off).

Totally agree with you, despite me being the one with the picking up and dropping off scenario. It could have easily been a red flag. I suppose as a whole it tied up with my husband, as I know him now, being very generous and falls over himself to help people out etc etc. Where we lived at the time was pretty remote and driving was a borderline hazard, public transport non-existent. If I started dating someone where we are now in central London, and the person insisted on picking me up, I would decline!

A few of these I have been a bit Hmm, like the guy actively seeking out a woman with children. But I suppose it’s not that crazy to think that someone who doesn’t have a family, would like to have one and become part of one at some stage.

Some of these aren’t green flags in and of themselves I guess.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 14/10/2019 09:58

He was/is a close friend of my brother. I knew him vaguely as we met at several BBQs/dinners over the years.

Green Flags - has his DD 50/50 despite him being physically disabled and has a good relationship with his ex; financially they split everything 50/50 including childcare costs when his ex does over time, and there is zero Disney parenting.

I was a single parent to 3, one of whom is with me 24/7 as Ex is not allowed contact (abusive) so he knew it would be tricky for us to date in the traditional way, plus I’d just started a PhD. My elder 2 are teens and are between my house and their Dads whenever they feel like it Grin

He was respectful of my busy life.

He has some MH issues linked to his disability and is very open about it, goes to therapy, takes his medication and therefore is understanding and respectful of my MH issues.

Third date he bought me a necklace of a serotonin molecule which may have me cry Blush

A few weeks later I was really poorly (ear infection - who knew they were so awful?!) and he had a takeaway delivered for me and DC so I didn’t have to worry about making dinner.

My middle DC has ADHD and he read up on it before he even met her, she has zero filter, natters on constantly, bombards him with questions about his disability and he is just so fucking patient with her.

On the nights he’s here he makes my lunch for me to take Uni. As soon as I get out of bed he puts the kettle on.

Blobby10 · 14/10/2019 10:00

TMI alert!!!!

About two months into our relationship (both divorced, neither done a lot of dating, both late 40s - particularly relevant for me Blush) we had sex at his place - and when he pulled out, I discovered I hadn't quite finished my period three days earlier as I thought - blood everywhere - sheets, duvet cover, duvet. I was mortified but he was absolutely angelic and did everything he could to make me feel less horrified. Helped me strip the bed and clean up before putting us both in the shower to clean us up!

Happened again last week but this time on the carpet of his new and shiny house Angry. Bloody menopause - I'm two sodding weeks away from due as well so should have been perfectly safe.

Anyway that was a Green Flag moment for me - my ex would have made a total song and dance about it, freaked out about getting that nasty horrid blood off him and left it up to me to clean everything up. Wanker.

drspouse · 14/10/2019 10:09

After we'd met but before we were really an item I had to go abroad to see an old friend/colleague who was terminally ill, he was unwell himself and kept waking up at odd hours so he'd chat with me online and make sure I was OK.
Also he supports my mad plans.
My friends say he is seriously calm and laid back but he isn't always - but he is enough of the time to counteract my panics.

ShadyFP · 14/10/2019 10:47

In the early days of us dating after making the transition from being friends, we were at the pub with a group of mutual friends and one of them was just being a dick. Being dramatic about how the pressures at work (half of the group worked together) would come between us all and friendships wouldn’t last. It was quite upsetting, but my now DH spent the evening annoying me by kicking my chair and moving my drink and generally distracting me and keeping me amused so that I wasn’t brought down by the other guy. It might seem silly that setting out to annoy me would help, but he had me laughing and that was when I first realised how much he cared about me being happy.

Also, my cats liked him so much from the first time they met that I’m sure they’d rather I’d moved out and he replaced me. Always a good sign.

Skyejuly · 14/10/2019 10:49

I was I'll not long after getting with my husband. He drove 200miles tontake care of me and helped with the kids.

He has never judged me or my choices which was number one really.

He still continues to make me smile every single day xx

RainMinusBow · 14/10/2019 13:02

"A few of these I have been a bit hmm, like the guy actively seeking out a woman with children."

An interesting comment. Would you say the same if a lady in her 40's was hoping to find a man with already-made family because she was unlikely to have bio children?

AGermFreeAdolescent · 14/10/2019 14:42

I went out with a chap on a date. On the way home his car broke down. It took over 4 hours for Green Flag to come out. I will never again date somebody who is not a member of The AA

I added 'in a relationship' to the title at the last second because of the ambiguity of the original Grin

OP posts:
AGermFreeAdolescent · 14/10/2019 14:42

Bold fail ^

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 14/10/2019 14:52

RainMinusBow no and I agree with that, which is why I said the in my post - that no, it’s not crazy to think someone should want a family at all. The context of the whole thing was my response to someone saying some of the anecdotes shared could be construed as red flags, including my own. These things are all to be taken in context.

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