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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your Green Flag experiences in a relationship?

74 replies

AGermFreeAdolescent · 13/10/2019 20:34

The big or little things that are the total opposite to Red Flags that made you think that this person was something special.

Mine: My ex boyfriend and I were on a first date. Amongst other things we talked about books and shared favourite books and authors that we liked. On our second date he gave me a book and told me to open it and it had a personalised note to me in it, signed by the author! (Distinctive handwriting so I know it was legitimate). It was really kind and even though I know it wasn't difficult for him personally to get it, it was just the fact that he did. I knew right there and then that I really liked him and we were together for years. Unfortunately, it didn't work out in the long run, but we're still friends! Even more unfortunately, I haven't met anybody nowhere near as kind as he was since. I still have the book :)

OP posts:

Nighttimefreedom · 13/10/2019 21:33

This is lovely. I'm recently separated from a 18 year relationship that had red flags all over it from the beginning.
I had already decided that if I ever find someone else I will look out for red flags and not ignore them. But now I know I need to look for green flags too.

Dutch1e · 13/10/2019 21:36

@Nighttimefreedom I'm glad you're free, well done. And I hope you find one who deserves you.

bluedomino · 13/10/2019 21:39

He came for coffee and helped me look after a kitten with diarrhoea and washed the kitchen floor.

Bumfuzzled · 13/10/2019 21:43

When I first met my DH I lived and worked in East London, he lived and worked in far West London. We used to spend weekends together but he also used to travel once or twice a week to mine after work, arriving about 8 or 9 in the evening. He’d have to get up at 5 in the morning to get to his work in time. He never complained about the ghastly travel or short amount of time it gained us. He just used to smile and say it’s worth it.

We’ve been together nearly 18 years

FilthyforFirth · 13/10/2019 21:47

We knew each other as teenagers quite well but reconnected in our late 20s. I told him I had a mental health condition and had tried to kill myself the year before. His initial reaction was to be sad that we hadnt been in touch sooner as he would have liked to help me/visit me in hospital etc.

By the next date he had read up all about my condition. It was so accepting and made me feel like I mattered. Been together ever since. He makes me feel very safe and the only person I can be myself around (back then, I am largely better now so can be myself around more people, no small thanks to him). He is aces.

EnglishRose13 · 13/10/2019 21:53

There were never any games.

He messaged me when he said he would. He saw me when he said he would. I always knew where I was with him. He liked me; he showed it. It was so different to my previous relationships that it was almost scary.

Been married for almost six years now.

Still exactly the same.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/10/2019 21:57

Dh reminded me of why he is green flag worthy last week. We were at a party with friends from when we all met our spouses, he remembered quite a few small significant details from our first few dates which had made him realise that he loved me(tbh I'd forgotten them) he'd never spoken about them, just held them close in his heart for almost 40 years.

Ratonastick · 13/10/2019 21:58

Meeting family was no big deal. XP and I were on our way somewhere very early on in the relationship and stopped at his DPs to drop something off, had a quick cuppa and went on our way. No biggie, no hassle, no drama. His parents were lovely people who clearly loved their son very much and were delightful to me from day one. And he met my brothers and parents fairly early on and fell into our family life easily.

itreallyisanicefence · 13/10/2019 21:59

This is lovely ❤️😭

StormBaby · 13/10/2019 21:59

When we first met he was so shy and nervous of me, and so respecful, despite being a big bearded tattooed tough guy. He's still a bit in awe of me now and it's been over 4 years

CinnamonMentos · 13/10/2019 22:00

He never lies to me and always gives it to me straight. After a previous marriage filled with lies and deceit, my now dh is the complete opposite. He’ll tell me the truth, even if I don’t want to hear it! I love that about him. He’s so honest.

Also, he accepted all my pets and loves them as much as I do!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/10/2019 22:06

To be totally honest, I got with DH because he was bloody gorgeous and lots of fun. And because we’d known each other for a little while as friends, we jumped in very quickly with buying a flat and having babies.

It could have had disaster written all over it. It was only really after we had DS1 that I realised what a kind and decent person he is. I’d honestly never even noticed or thought about it: my ex wasn’t always nice and I guess I had pretty low expectations; that guys were nice for a year or so until they had you.

I was very lucky.

pacempercutiens · 13/10/2019 22:15

he picked me up and dropped me home every day so he could see me (I didn't have a car at the time), he didn't want me to get the bus due to safety and cost

he never made me question myself / my feelings

I was never scared of how he'd react to anything

From the second week of dating he came to my family's weekly family games evening

(those where how I knew he was 'the one', the following are reasons I continue to think I made a good decision)

he took over everything when I was pregnant and had sciatica so bad I couldn't walk, and did the same in my second pregnancy when I was the size of a house (twins) and couldn't move hardly at all

he took night time duties with DD1 and the twins, despite having to go to work the next day

he puts up with my family

He puts up with me sometimes I feel that could be quite the task

Mikeymoo12 · 13/10/2019 22:17

It was when we had arranged our third date but my village basically got snowed in and it wasn't safe to travel anywhere so I had to cancel and couldn't stop apologising and he turned round and said I wasn't to be sorry he would much rather I stayed safe as he couldn't have bared it if anything happened to me and I just knew right then I had found the most sweetest man and I wasn't letting him go

TeeBee · 13/10/2019 22:18

Mine is repulsed at the thought of ever doing anything in bed that the other person might not want to do. The thought absolutely horrifies him.
Ridiculous inability to lie about anything.
Very respectful of his ex. Always says what a great mother she is.
Doesn't blame anyone else for his shortcomings.
Goes to counselling to sort out any issues he has so that it doesn't affect his relationships with people.

scaryteacher · 13/10/2019 22:21

Tea in bed every morning without fail when he's home. I get a phone call each morning when he's not. He once stayed up after coming off watch in the US to make sure I got my early morning call.

KayakingOnDown · 13/10/2019 22:21

He was genuinely interested in me, accepted me for who I am and was not at all threatened by my PhD (unlike other blokes).

He invited me round for dinner and made a real effort with homemade pasta. He once also invited my mum round for dinner too in the early days, (dad was away) which wasn't weird, but nice.

scaryteacher · 13/10/2019 22:21

Ben married for 33 years now.

RhinoskinhaveI · 13/10/2019 22:24

What a great thread I wish I had a green flag to add but I don't!

WhoisitnowRalph · 13/10/2019 22:24

He was with someone else when I met him (we worked together, I was a new hire) and they had children. They were breaking up but although we chatted regularly at work I can't think of a single time that he ever said anything mean or nasty about her. He only ever spoke factually or practically about her, never emotionally or angrily, and he never called her names or moaned about her. He just knew they were unhappy together and should be apart, despite the children.

He had a specific opportunity to get together with me on one occasion - but although his bags were all but packed, he was still living at the family home and he did not come anywhere near me because in his eyes they were still together. I had full on feels by then which he could have taken advantage of, but he wouldn't. He arranged somewhere to go, moved out of the house, and only then did he ask me out on a proper date.

We've been together over 20 years and the children are all grown. Only now do I know the truth about what was going on in that relationship, and his loyalty and integrity in the face of it all at the time was astounding.

He could be endearingly shy and intense, he was a hard worker, was kind and gentle to the dogs and horses, was utterly hilarious and made a mean cup of coffee. He also was, and still is, freakishly strong.

He is also, of course, a total knob sometimes.

guiltynetter · 13/10/2019 22:25

on our first date we went out for food and asked for no mayonnaise on it. the second time we met we had dinner again and when he ordered (he went to the counter with our order) he remembered to ask for no mayo. such a silly little thing but it meant a lot! then it rained outside and he offered me his coat as I had no hood. Still together 9 years, marriage and 2 kids later ☺️

KayakingOnDown · 13/10/2019 22:27

When I asked him if he liked horses he replied honestly and said no.

Weeks later he was faithfully mucking out and feeding my horse, and even learning to ride. (he was annoying good at it too, being incredibly athletic).

formerbabe · 13/10/2019 22:28

He bought me a first aid kit for my car

thecapitalsunited · 13/10/2019 22:32

With my DH it was always more interested in my pleasure in bed than his own. Most men I’d slept with up until then kept their own pleasure first in mind. They’d make sure I’d get there but only to make themselves feel good about their sexual prowess. I’d never realised until I was with a man who wanted to make it good for me not for him.

A previous poster mention not getting angry when I break things or mess up. He gets frustrated sometimes if I’ve been careless and made a mess of things but he’s never ever got angry - he just helps me fix whatever disaster I’ve created.

Bonniegirl435 · 13/10/2019 22:39

Together 9 years, married 4 months.
This morning i woke at 10.30 to find find my kindle on my bedside cabinet which he had put on charge with a post it note saying when u wake dont rush down, read ur book and take some time for yourself and bang on the floor if i want coffee.
He had got up at 6am with our 4 year old, when i went down after a good book session and a bath the dinner was prepped and the house was clean and he was doing homework with the older ones.
Its the little things
I thank god everyday for him and the life i have, my ex husband was abusive so now to have a man like this, i feel very lucky.

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