Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not facilitate dd's relationship with her dad

41 replies

Dhalandchips · 13/10/2019 20:29

Usual EOW thing with DD(10) & ds(12) at theur dad's. DD has is now complaining that her dad has started doing the exact same sarcast guilt tripping nonsense he used to do at me. He gives her the silent treatment when she doesn't leap at his word. And she doesn't like him. And doesn't want to go to his anymore. He has history for mucking them about (leaving them with his girlfriend while he's out doing more important stuff - not work I might add) I have no bones with his girlfriend, they seem to like her and she's good at looking after them, because he sure as hell doesn't. In fact, I'm grateful for her input! So, do I tell her she has to go, or do I back her up and tell her she doesn't have to go? As an aside, I have a feeling that ds is learning this shitty behaviour from his dad, which I will of course be doing my best to prevent!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 13/10/2019 20:38

Apologies for the typos.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 13/10/2019 20:45

You presumably left your ex because he is an arsenal. Allow your DD to make the same decision. She does not need her young life blighted by his emotional abuse. If there is any way to avoid or reduce the time DS has with him as well, all to the good. Or you & your children are going to continue to be negatively affected by ex's toxic behaviours.

messolini9 · 13/10/2019 20:46

FFS autocorrect! Arsehole not arsenal ..

NoClueWithStyle · 13/10/2019 20:50

If she is saying "I dont want to go because Dad treats me like this and I dont like it", what are you teaching her about having boundaries?

She will grow up believing that men can treat her how they wish and there is no point in her complaining, or asking/demanding to be treated better.
Take it from someone who learned the hard way...if you make her go you are teaching her she just has to put up and shut up.
And therefore the cycle will perpetuate.

Ginger1982 · 13/10/2019 20:52

If you don't have a court order and you don't think it's in their best interests then withhold contact and make him take you to court. Yes, you are expected to facilitate contact to an extent but if you think there are valid reasons then stop it.

NoClueWithStyle · 13/10/2019 20:53

My first para is in relation to you making her go. It posted before I got a chance to proof read.

You could try helping her explain to her dad what her boundaries are and if things dont change she will stop going. Depends just how much of an aresehole he is though. Of hes not going to listen I wouldnt bother. That's a call only you can make.

purplelila2 · 13/10/2019 20:54

Hi OP

can you explain what you mean by silent treatment if she doesn't leap at his word?
Is he trying to parent but she doesn't want to do it?

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 13/10/2019 20:55

Thanks both, yes I left him for many reasons, the sarcastic shit and silent treatment was only a small part of it. I most definitely want her to know that I've got her back. It won't be easy but I'll do it. He'll want to speak to her but she's said she doesn't want to speak to him even! I'm no longer afraid of him so I'll simply tell him she doesn't want to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 13/10/2019 21:04

@purplelila2 he is lazy, always has been. He will avoid doing anything for himself wherever possible. So an example would be him asking her to get something he's perfectly capable of getting for himself. If she's busy doing something else, she's OK to say no. Then he harrumph, makes a big show of getting out of his chair whilst muttering "i'll get it myself then" and then not talking to her for the rest of the day. I have to add, I got to the point of just saying "crack on then". The sulking was legendary. Now he's doing it to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 13/10/2019 21:05

It's not parenting, it's wanting a maid/butler/skivvy type person to wait on him. I actually feel sorry for his new girlfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 13/10/2019 21:07

He's done this all his life apparently. So I hear from people who have known him for a long time. They've said they're surprised I lasted so long! Grin

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 13/10/2019 21:07

Protect dd.
Let her stay home.

RandomMess · 13/10/2019 21:10

She's 10 she has a very valid reason to not go so support her.

Once DD isn't there to be his skivvy I wonder if he will expect it of DS, sounds like misogyny going on there too..

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 13/10/2019 21:18

-There is no court order, its all informal, so yes, he could try taking me to court... I think the court would listen to her though, she's a very eloquent young woman with her own mind.
-He wouldn't listen if I tried to explain to him. He's not good at understanding that he may not be the perfect human.
-I don't think I could stop ds from going as he adores his dad. I guess all I can do is reinforce 'good' behaviour at home.
I'm trying very hard to ensure she has the skills to ensure her boundaries are kept. I want her to be a strong, independent woman and not make the stupid mistakes I made!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 13/10/2019 21:19

I definitely believe he is a misogynyist.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/10/2019 21:20

Hopefully DS will see him through less rose tinted glasses without DD taking the brunt of his awful attitude!

Moomin8 · 13/10/2019 21:23

Giving his 10 year old the silent treatment is disgusting. I would let her stay at home.

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 13/10/2019 21:54

Thank again. I actually thought I might get told I was being unreasonable. But I'm glad I'm not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 15/10/2019 21:06

OK, so I've told him she wants to stay at home over the next weekend she's due to go. He's asked her to call him. How do I tell him she doesn't want to speak to him?? He will not accept anything he does is wrong or can possibly upset her. So she will be made to feel she's in the wrong. I want to back her up but don't want to lie to him. I'm tying myself up in knots now!

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 15/10/2019 21:12

Just say that. She doesn’t want to talk to you.
If he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong then whatever your dd says won’t help.

RandomMess · 15/10/2019 21:20

"I've passed on your request to DD but she tells me she doesn't want to speak to you".

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 15/10/2019 21:52

Thank you. Big girl pants time. Although I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Not afraid actually, more bored by! It was an awful, EA relationship, gaslighting, manipulative behaviour, the works. I really don't want her to think ths is how relationships work. I'll email pretty much what @RandomMess says. Thanks again all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 15/10/2019 21:54

Done. I'll await the strop fest.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 15/10/2019 22:07

Yanbu. I wouldn't want to send her either but be aware that its probable the court wont listen. Ive seen a convicted paedophile awarded contact. Its all about dads and their contact.

RandomMess · 15/10/2019 22:07

You can ignore all his messages and threats.

I would ask DD to handwrite a note to him saying that she doesn't want to visit or speak with him on the phone at the moment but she will let him know once she's ready to. Something like that in her own words, she can add the "why" if she wants to.

I would send it signed for delivery then he has something that is tangible from DD.