To not facilitate dd's relationship with her dad

[Dhalandchips]

Usual EOW thing with DD(10) & ds(12) at theur dad's. DD has is now complaining that her dad has started doing the exact same sarcast guilt tripping nonsense he used to do at me. He gives her the silent treatment when she doesn't leap at his word. And she doesn't like him. And doesn't want to go to his anymore. He has history for mucking them about (leaving them with his girlfriend while he's out doing more important stuff - not work I might add) I have no bones with his girlfriend, they seem to like her and she's good at looking after them, because he sure as hell doesn't. In fact, I'm grateful for her input! So, do I tell her she has to go, or do I back her up and tell her she doesn't have to go? As an aside, I have a feeling that ds is learning this shitty behaviour from his dad, which I will of course be doing my best to prevent!

Hopefully he will be too lazy and too tight to drag it through the courts!

10 is legally old enough to have an opinion on it if he took you to court so if she wants to stop let her. My son is 12 has not seen his dad in over half his life. I often tell him if he wants to he can but on hus own terms. He tells me he doesn't want to for his own reasons. At 6 I let him decide for his self because he would get so destressed when he turnt up I felt there was an issue.

Well done OP. Your dd will be all the better for it.

He probably won't bother with court... Too expensive and time consuming.

But why would a judge allow a paedophile access to a child? Crazy!

Well done OP for sticking up for your DD. Has her dad responded?

Not yet...

Hopefully it doesn't get to court, as she's still only ten I think they probably wouldn't weight her opinions too much. I'd also make sure that your son hears the conversations going on at home in case your ex tries to go down the parental alienation route- your son can hopefully repeat what he's heard at home then, if asked, proving that you aren't trying to drive a wedge between them. I'd also not stop him coming over to talk to her at yours if he requests it, but I would be present for any chats if requested to be.

Kudos to you for listening to your daughter OP. My mother kicked my alcoholic, abusive father out when I was 12, but continued to allowed him access for years as 'it was the right thing to do'. We used to beg her not make us see him but she was too much of a push over. I am still resentful she wouldn't listen to us, so thanks again to you for listening.

Also, I know it's not her issue, but if it comes to it, could the girlfriend talk to your daughter instead of your ex? You say they get on, and it would allow your daughter to have her say and to contact 'his side' without having to actually talk to him. Just if it gets to the point where he is accusing you of keeping her away?

thankyou for recognising his girlfriend's positive input. Not many people do and it's always lovely to read.
I hope you get to the bottom of this, good luck x

Well done and hope he doesn’t keep causing her damage. What a twat

I have thought about suggesting tp DD that she chat to the girlfriend. My only worry is that she's possibly gaslighted (gaslit?) too by him and would defend him to the hilt, deny it happens. He really is a piece of work. I don't know her, never met her but the children are positive about her.

As for having him in my house, I'd rather chew my toes off. I don't want to be in the same room as him ever again, let alone have him in my home!

As suspected, she won't talk to the girlfriend because the girlfriend 'Loves dad and I don't want her to hate me'.

I have been the girlfriend in that scenario. 2 kids, older boy and I did a massive share of childcare. He would galavant off soing what he wanted to do a lot l, leaving me with the kids. They were great, we had fun, but the older they got the more they dodnt like their dads manipulative behaviour. Sounds v similar to your situation. And eventually the kids didn't want to come every weekend. Their mum would say they were ill.

I would say no point in forcing her. Try to establish that she is not playing one off against the other and reassure her that she has a say in the matter. Let her have the odd weekend off, but try to persuade her to go and give things a go. Talk to her about using her words to express what she doesn't like, at first to you and then when when is ready to him. The girl friend most likely will see what is going on.

Should add that the daughter cut all contact when I was out of the picture. She should go voluntarily, but if she won't don't push it. She will soon be old enough to make her own decision. In my case, when the kids had had a weekend being "ill" their dad would pull out all the stops to lure them back (cinema or whatever). Being at their mum's was boring in comparison, so they would come back for a few weekends and then be ill again. I would not advocate that approach, but I do think it is important they don't break off a relationship without articulating why. Could lead to issues later in adulthood when they miss having a father around and then blame you for giving in too easily and ruining that relationship. Not saying that WILL happen, just that it could.

Thanks again, I am concerned that she may hold it against me later. I feel like it's a rock and a hard place, backing her up or persuading her...
The thing is, I know exactly what he's doing that pisses her off. I put up with it for years. I don't feel like it's fair for her to have to tolerate it. But he will deny it. It's what he does!