Very Long but Friendship Dillema (sp?) - Very Sad and Let Down!!

[Twinkie1]

Right need to know if I am being a cow!
Have known best friend for 30 years since we were very small.

I have recently moved nearer to her and do not know anyone in the village where we live and when we moved she was thrilled saying that we would hopefully see each other more.

Well I am pretty down since moving as am finding it very hard to make friends and have resorted to visiting my old friends 50 miles away.

Anyway last week I rang her and said could I come up Tuesday as DD was away at the weekend when I was supposed to be visiting - she said fine - she had arranged to go out to the park with a lady she has made friends with but there was no reason as to why we couldn't join them and we could all have a picnic - DD really misses her and her kids as she has grown up with them and due to difficult circumstances divorce etc we don't see each other as much as we used to. Anyway I rang her on Tuesday morning to see what we were doing - kids were up and dressed, picnic packed and all ready to go and she said that her friend actually had a hang over and wasn't up yet (we are talking 11am!) and so had invited her around that afternoon to her house and so would I mind if we just left it.

I was gobsmacked - just said Oh right that ok and put the phone down.

Now later I text her and called off the plans we had made for the weekend just saying that I really wasn't great company and we would have to rearrange - was very cross in reality and rightly or wrongly wanted to make an issue of the fact that I felt I had been let down. Anyway she asked why and I said I was down and very lonely and could have done with some company but I felt she had brushed me off and dissappointed me and the kids. She said she was sorry I felt like that but couldn't exactly invite me to her friends house and as her original plans were with her friend she thought she better go to this woman's house for coffee regardless of what she had said to me. Her new friends are V posh though and v rich - although we are not badly off to be honest - just not on par with her friends from where she now lives and I certainly don't have the accent that they have - my friend has adopted this accent since she moved and is far more concerned with how much houses cost etc than just being normal like we used to be.

Now my beef was that woman was in bed with a hangover and I was up ready to go with the kids - why should I be the one let down - if I was in her position I would have said - Oh I invited Twinkie along with the kids to the park and so feel I should really go with her - if you can't make it because you have a hangover then I shall I pop round later or I know my friends wouldn't have hesitated but to say oh well ask her along.

Anyway it escalated into a full scale text slanging match with me saying if I had promised my kids a day at the park I would have got my fat drunken bottom out of bed (I was hurt I know having a fat bottom had nothing to do with it - although she has very much so!! - I was still smarting from the let down so please forgive me!) or if I was her I would have mentioned that she had suggested that I come along. I also mentioned that I feel like we have a one way friendship with me doing all the ringing and suggesting things and driving up to see her and her family.

Am I just being a cow - would you have dropped me like a hot potato too?? Am I beiong over sensitive due to my situation at the moment - although I feel as her being my BF she should maybe be a bit more in tune to how I feel and actually care?

Now we haven't spoken - I feel as though I shouldn't have to be the one to apologise for 'attacking her' as she calls it - but on the other hand I am not sure that she will bother ringing me - on one hand I am a little jealous that this other lady came first considering the amount of time we have known each other but then part pf me just feels bloody let down by it all.

But at the end of the day I would not have just dropped her not because the amount of time that I have known her - I just would not do that to someone!

What do I do now?

I'd say it depends how much you value the fiendship.
Sometimes it is time to move on it sounds like your pal has changed, and loyalty isn't particularly a big thing for her?
I had something very similar last year - and it made me reassess my 'friend' I realised that actually she was choosing someone else over me, (she hadn't been a real pal for quite a while) and it was more a relationship of convenience. When push came to shove we had a row (other person and me really) but this pal came down on her side and ended our friendship!
I thought it was very childish, but wasn't bothered enough to do anything about it, the 'friendship' had changed and wasn't my idea of a real friendship anymore.

You are feeling down at the moment, if you think it is worth working at maybe suggest meeting up and talking it through.
If you don't then it is time to move on and make new friends, that might fit with you better at this point in your life.

hth

OK! Right to start with I don't think you are being unreasonable to think that she could have done both. Like you say, you were ready, so she could have. How long is it now since the txt message, was it today?

All sounds a bit high-school to me I'm afraid.

I am so sorry for you. I would have acted the same as you - which seems to be on impulse. I think in hindsight it would have been better for you to have a conversation with this friend over the phone or perhaps over a cup of tea.

You must be feeling very vulnerable right now, and as a BF she should have been able to see that.

I know my BF is very astute when it comes to how I am feeling, and me to her. Making a BF's happy for even just an hour when all else in thier life is beyond your control is what it's all about.

So no I dont think you are being unreasonable.

I would phone her or invite her round and talk it through without this other woman about.

No was a few days ago.

It may sound high school but I feel very hurt that she chose this drunken woman over me!

I agree, the longer you leave it, the more difficult its going to be. It might sould a bit High School, but you're clearly upset about it and its obviously important to you. Give her a ring, after the kids are in bed, so that you can have a chat. Even better, arrange an evening out, on neutral ground, and get it all out.

I'm confused: you're put out about her Tuesday cancellation (I can see where you're coming from there) so you cancelled the weekend arrangement, saying you were unhappy about being lonely?

How do you think that looks to her?

I can see you're stressed about the move, it sounds like you have had a lot of changes going on, but your friend may not get that. Maybe both of you feel slighted, in which case one of you has to make the first move to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Also, the 'drunken woman' may be another story you don't know about. Suppose she's very ill and doesn't want everyone to know?

I think the key could be to stick your chin up and make new friends independently. I would send her a breezey text along the lines "I'm a bit stressed at the moment - let's get together next week, just the two of us."

Does she consider you her BF? Had very similar type of experience with an old friend after dd was born. She always suggested she come to see us but it was never convenient for her. One excuse was she had to meet up with her friend from the train - someone she chats to on the way to work took priority over me and my new baby. I am afraid we haven't spoken in 2+ yrs and I had to accept our friendship had changed. I think you'll have to decide how important this friendship is to you compared to how she views it.

Not sure I could speak to her without getting upset - I told her that her rebuff left me sobbing and the kids asking why we couldn't go and see her and she said I was being hurtful for my own ends!

Her texts contained the phrases 'unbelievable' and 'I have heard enough' - there was no understanding of my upset and anger - its almost as though I am pathetic for having feelings and getting upset.

She has never admitted that she has ever been wrong about anything and now when I look back and as DH pointed out this is not the first time she as let me and the kids down - I have turned up at her house before and she hasn't been there - after me driving for 30 minutes - and when I rung her she had completely forgotten that I had said I was coming over - truly something I would never do in respect of her and her kids - and had gone out for the day!

I am talking myself round in circles here aren't I?

Don't text. Talk.

If you get upset whilst you are doing it, then it may make your point for you.

Cancelling the weekend was sort of making a point - she would have just breezed thruogh my upset or probably more than likely not even noticed had I not made an issue of it by cancelling the weekend - she is not the sort of person you can really sit and talk to about feelings and stuff and she is never wrong!

Gods as I am reading this I am thinking maybe I should just forget her and really make a effort at making new friends!

You can't do this by text Twinkle, you need to speak properly. You know how things on here can so easily be read wrong.

Perhaps ... from your friend's point of view, it was easier to drop you as you both are old and close friends. Sometimes, it's easier to say 'no' to a close friend without having to give much explanation as compared to a new friend. It doesn't mean that she values that new friend's friendship over yours.
She may have did it without giving much thought to your predicament.
It really depends if she has done this to you too many times for you to safely conclude that she is brushing you off and under-valuing you as a friend.
Although, IMO, your friend should have apologised - I think she was wrong to assume that you could be dropped so quickly, but really, perhaps she didn't think much about it at first and now that it has escalated into a full blwon argument with other issues at hand, she may be equally taken aback and reluctant to apologise.

Have to go home now but will have a look on here in the morning and see if I can figure it all out from what you guys have to say.

Thanks

Don't feel so bad about it all now - I suppose that is what talking to people who will step back and listen and be impartial does in a situation like this.

I think she will never be as reliable friend as you want her to be. Treat her as such.

You don't have to lose the friendship, but you might have to accept you won't pick up where you left off before you lived far apart.

Text conversations are a total nightmare and should never be entered into when in an emotional state.

I think the particular issue ou are talking about , you sound a bit unreasonable. You sound jealous of her friendship with the other woman tbh
But the other stuff about her not being on in the past when you've gone over is out of order.
Maybe time to concentrate on getting new friends.

Sorry have not gone yet - is it always unreasonable to be jealous - and jealousy is maybe not the right word - I feel let down by how little she obviously values our friendship of over 30 years!

I feel your pain and would have done the same lol. I've done some really petty stuff for similar reasons, which stopped me talking to two of my bridesmaids for months after the wedding

I'd be worried you've grown apart, if you really need her friendship give it another shot.

Even though I felt so hurt after being let down by a friend, I put in the leg work cos I wanted the friendship to work. For months I called her, went to her house (it's a journey away so more effort on my behalf) etc... and now she's been totally fantastic in light of my current stress and problems and I'm so glad I did.

Don't make a decision to drop a friendship without actually talking. You cannot do this by text. Maureen is right. There is too much missing from a text 'conversation'. You, and she, may be completely misreading the other. Or you may not. But you won't know unless you make real, human contact.

I think jealous is a very strong word, I think you are probably more envious of her. Possibly because she has managed to start friendships in this new town that you haven't yet. I think others are right, try and make peace and then maybe make the effort (your words!) to start some friendships of your own. What's the set up? Work, at home, kids etc.

I'm sure she didn't mean it as a slight - just didn't realise the importance you had placed on the arrangements.
If you haven't seen that much of her recently then she wasn't to know that you are feeling so low and stressed (unless you outright told her), so your reaction would have seemed totally OTT.
Time to buck up - explain that you are feeling really down and really in need of a friend. This will put the ball in her court and give her a chance to be the friend you need.
Otherwise, join a club or something?
Good luck!

my 'friend' dropped me via answer phone....
'I can't forgive you (for the arguement)... so this is as far as our friendship goes' !!!!

great friend worth fighting for? I decided not.

Um, I value relationships on the grounds of what they are, not how old they are.

Friendships change over time. She may have a different set of standards by which she considers friendships.

Thirty years irrelevant imo.

Very tough. She is obviously forging a new life for herself in the village. You are part of the old life which can be woven back in, but sometimes whne we move on we like to leave old parts of ourselves behind. She's obviously ringing some changes in her journey and tbh you seem to be slagging her off a little for these (implying that she's a bit snotty now) so she'll feel that coming at her on some level.

I can understand why you're doing it - you feel left out and that she is being disloyal.

It's a very hard situation. I would also say that it's hard for her because she has new friends which she has made on her own. You need to do the same otherwise she may feel too much responsibility for your socialisatin into the village, when she's been putting in a lot of effort for her own.

I think you need to contact her to say sorry and to give her a chance to apologise but then back off each other for a while.

Easy to say I know, but good luck. Don't hold it against her if she's changing, especially as YOU have moved into HER new world.