Very Long but Friendship Dillema (sp?) - Very Sad and Let Down!!

[Twinkie1]

Right need to know if I am being a cow!
Have known best friend for 30 years since we were very small.

I have recently moved nearer to her and do not know anyone in the village where we live and when we moved she was thrilled saying that we would hopefully see each other more.

Well I am pretty down since moving as am finding it very hard to make friends and have resorted to visiting my old friends 50 miles away.

Anyway last week I rang her and said could I come up Tuesday as DD was away at the weekend when I was supposed to be visiting - she said fine - she had arranged to go out to the park with a lady she has made friends with but there was no reason as to why we couldn't join them and we could all have a picnic - DD really misses her and her kids as she has grown up with them and due to difficult circumstances divorce etc we don't see each other as much as we used to. Anyway I rang her on Tuesday morning to see what we were doing - kids were up and dressed, picnic packed and all ready to go and she said that her friend actually had a hang over and wasn't up yet (we are talking 11am!) and so had invited her around that afternoon to her house and so would I mind if we just left it.

I was gobsmacked - just said Oh right that ok and put the phone down.

Now later I text her and called off the plans we had made for the weekend just saying that I really wasn't great company and we would have to rearrange - was very cross in reality and rightly or wrongly wanted to make an issue of the fact that I felt I had been let down. Anyway she asked why and I said I was down and very lonely and could have done with some company but I felt she had brushed me off and dissappointed me and the kids. She said she was sorry I felt like that but couldn't exactly invite me to her friends house and as her original plans were with her friend she thought she better go to this woman's house for coffee regardless of what she had said to me. Her new friends are V posh though and v rich - although we are not badly off to be honest - just not on par with her friends from where she now lives and I certainly don't have the accent that they have - my friend has adopted this accent since she moved and is far more concerned with how much houses cost etc than just being normal like we used to be.

Now my beef was that woman was in bed with a hangover and I was up ready to go with the kids - why should I be the one let down - if I was in her position I would have said - Oh I invited Twinkie along with the kids to the park and so feel I should really go with her - if you can't make it because you have a hangover then I shall I pop round later or I know my friends wouldn't have hesitated but to say oh well ask her along.

Anyway it escalated into a full scale text slanging match with me saying if I had promised my kids a day at the park I would have got my fat drunken bottom out of bed (I was hurt I know having a fat bottom had nothing to do with it - although she has very much so!! - I was still smarting from the let down so please forgive me!) or if I was her I would have mentioned that she had suggested that I come along. I also mentioned that I feel like we have a one way friendship with me doing all the ringing and suggesting things and driving up to see her and her family.

Am I just being a cow - would you have dropped me like a hot potato too?? Am I beiong over sensitive due to my situation at the moment - although I feel as her being my BF she should maybe be a bit more in tune to how I feel and actually care?

Now we haven't spoken - I feel as though I shouldn't have to be the one to apologise for 'attacking her' as she calls it - but on the other hand I am not sure that she will bother ringing me - on one hand I am a little jealous that this other lady came first considering the amount of time we have known each other but then part pf me just feels bloody let down by it all.

But at the end of the day I would not have just dropped her not because the amount of time that I have known her - I just would not do that to someone!

What do I do now?

Taking into account previous crappy-friend behaviour on her part, I would suggest you join a club, take up a new hobby, get chatting with your dc's friends' mums etc...
No need to escalate things further, but time to meet some new frinds.
Any other Mumsnetters where you are?

With texts, the tone of voice can never be assumed & I find that if I have something that needs said in a certain way it is easier to call the person to avoid misunderstandings.

I think your friend had 2 choices.

1. The choice she made

2. She could have met you for a picnic in the morning & then went & had tea with her friend in the afternoon. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

I wonder what would have happened if you hadn't have called her in the morning to see what was happening! Would you have turned up at the park & no-one else there?

Just one thing... what age are your children? Is it possible that the child is telling her that she doesn't want to play with your child? I'm only suggesting this, as my dd used to hate going to my friends house, as friends ds battered dd black & blue! In the end I used to make excuses so that we would meet without the kids!!

"She is not the sort of person you can really sit and talk to about feelings and stuff and she is never wrong!"

That is not the description most people give of their best friend. My BF is often flakey and occasionally inconsiderate but she is someone I can really talk to, confide in and have a really good laugh with. Her good points more than make up for the bad.

It's lovely being friends with someone for years, but don't let that mean that yopur friend must carry that BF flag for ever because I think you will end up feeling even more sad if you do. You sound like a lovely person and good friends can be made at any age, any stage.

Patsy

I can't add anymore but everyone on here is talking sense . I'm in a similar situ - a friend stood up me earlier this year without even letting me know (we'd been building up to this row for about a year ) and our argument descended into a slanging match via text which in the end I opted not to reply to her last text. In effect she was blaming me for her finding a better offer that night! I never found the inclination to sort it out although we have nodded at each other in the library since - we have lots of friends in common so it's not an option to cut her dead entirely iyswim. If you value the friendship then suggest you meet up sometime to sort it out - but in the meantime, try not to tread on her toes socially, try to form your own social circle. She may be feeling worried that she's somehow responsible for you integrating into where you live.

Twinkie - I know just how you feel. My best friend of 20 years means a huge amount to me. I don't make friends easily and don't really have many mates. She's very popular and has loads, so I guess that's the first problem right there. Because we go so far back and have gone through so much together, to my mind she'll always be my best mate. But the other day I found a post from her on another forum talking about another friend of hers as her best friend and me as 'just an old mate'. She also never seems to make the effort to see or call me - it always comes from me first. In the past year she and her DH haven't been to see us even once while we've been over there about 4 times (and it's a 2-hour drive). It really hurts when you realise that someone means much more to you than you mean to them. So huge hugs, you're not being unreasonable to feel upset at being cast aside by someone who's important to you when you really need them.

Thanks everyone - had a huge chat with DH last night about this!

He said that I have to try and make new friends in the village where we live (there are no mumsnetters in the village but some about a 10 minute driive away so hopefully we will meet up soon). My old BF doesn't live that near to me - she is now 30 minutes drive rather than the 2 hours she used to be which I think is why I thought we would see each other more - that and the fact that she wrote it in a card saying 'hopefully' and sounding very excited about us moving up there! I don;t expect t be welcomed open armed in to her circle of friends and nor do I expect her to help me make new friends as we live too far apart for her to know anyone where I live, I just thought she would be slightly more sensitive to my situation.

I am not really jealous about her friendship I just can't see why she has me in one box and these other people in another - my friends all get introduced at some point or another and there is not one friend who I wouldn't invite to something because someone else was there. From what I have been told of her new friends they all have rich husbands and are thin and pretty and successful and arty - something I am not - well I am quite thin, have an ok job and we are comfortably off - it just seems when I see her that she spends her whole time talking these people up and it does hurt.

Its odd I have always been really good at making friends - knew all the ladies at school where I used to live, saw my post natal group regularly and had friends from childhood but always kept in touch with BF and asked her along on things we were doing. She has always found it much harder to make friends than me - is not a naturally approachable person I suppose.

As for the kids - they are different sexes so that may nave something to do with it - not wanting to play with a girl when you are getting a bit older whereas you used to be happy just playing? But in my view you can't let your kids run your life in terms of who you see and who you don't - the kids hate going to great grandmas but we used to go becasue I knew that the time we had together was special (as she was ill and I knew she would pass away soon) - its just something they have to deal with - when they were together they were fine.

And as for slagging her off - I am not I am just commenting - even DH noticed it and he walks around with his head in the clouds most of the time. Money and status seems a lot more important to her now than what the person is like inside and what they can bring to your life in terms of fun and love and all the other soppy things we get from our friends!

One of the reasons I suppose I wanted to stay her friend was because she stuck up for me in a big way a while ago - alienating herself and her husband in the community where we used to live - this wasn't a huge issue because they were moving away but it means she has been in some difficult situations since and has had to turn down wedding invitations because she knows some people who took offence at what she did would be there and make things difficult for her. But I explained it to DH last night and he said that she couldn't possiby say I had to be forever in her debt and the fact that she had done something for me meant she had the right to treat me in a was which wasn't acceptable in the realms of a good friendship. Sorry bit convoluted but I hope you get my drift!

God I could go on and on around in a circle trying to think of what to do. I think I will leave it until after we have been on holiday - we have a really busy month with renovation work going on and weddings and parties (one where I will probably have to face stepmonster and my bastard of a father - people who have been on here years will know my attitude to them is completely reasonable!) so I have lots to keep myself going - I am going to start going to toddler group with DS too so hopefully that will help me make some friends or at least kill some time andhave fun with DS.

Thanks guys for all your help and comment though - it has made me feel like I am not such a complete cow!

I feel for you Twinkie - I would've reacted the same I think, I'm sure I would've cancelled the weekend arrangements too.
I have had a similar situation recently in that BF and I have fallen out big time - happened on her wedding night just to make it all that little bit worse and haven't spoken since.
In hindsight I can see that "friendship" had been lagging for a while and something like this had been waiting to happen for a long time.

Doesn't make your situation any easier but I do empathise.
We have also moved 30 miles away from most friends and family about 3 weeks ago

Umm i'm sorry that you feel bad about this and agree with all the other posters who say that you need to sort this by phone or face to face as it is so easy to misinterpret the tone of texts/email.

However it struck me that in your original post you said you originally rang her to change your first arrangement from the weekend to the Tuesday and she was happy to do this despite having a previous arrangement already.

So therefore you changed your original (weekend) arrangement not her...and i can see her point that it is not her place to invite you to her other friends house. She obviously felt torn but went with what she arranged first.

YOu say later on that she has done other things to you but you also ssay that she stuck her neck out for you int e past to the extent that she has alienated herself from people because of it. This sounds like quite a good friend to me.

You obviously have a lot on your plate at the moment and so may be a bit sensitive to things but you need to think whether you value her as a friend....the fact you have both been friends for so long implies maybe you do...if so then it might be worth trying to see it from the other side of the story.

Either way pick up the phonje or arrange a meet up....defo dont fall out for ever more by text.

IMHO I think she was really tactless but she didn't deserve the escalation that she got.

Put yourself in her shoes: how was she to know this was so important to you? If she was that flaky and undeserving then she wouldn't have altered the Tuesday arrangements in the first place in order to involve you. and if she has a wide group of friends and a busy life, she may have no idea of how much emotion and excitement you placed on this one picnic? Empathy is the first thing that gets dropped when you've got a lot of balls in the air. And if she was flaky and undeserving she wouldn't have put herself out for you in the past.

I don't think you should leave it for a while. I think you should write and apologise for escalating the whole thing; and blame it on your feeeling very lonely and isolated. People who stand up by you over 30 years don't deserve to be cold-shouldered. Sometimes one friend has to make more of an effort, sometimes the other. and even if heads get turned temporarily it doesn't mean the underlying relationship should get dumped. All this 'posh friends' nonsense reminds me of those times way back, when your best mate would drop you like a hot potato when you were 15 and she had a boyfriend to neck with at the back of the bike sheds, whilst you had no-one to go down the 'rec' with.

Swallow your pride, drop her a line to apologise and see what she does. Then if she has no interest in fixing this, at least you know you are in the clear; you did your best and then you can move on. I suspect that if you don't do something like this you will fret during your holiday and beyond. Last time I looked apologies were still free to give and priceless to get. Even if you fundamentally know that you were in the right, you are probably (both) fairly miserable now, so who cares if the apology is justified/deserved or not?

Another opinion to take into account I suppose - but I think this has now gone too far for me to apologise - maybe I am expecting too much of her but only what I would have given if I had been in her position.

I most certainly wouldn't have waited until a friend called to make sure ours plans were ok, if they weren't I would have rung them and spoken about it not just said - O you don't mind do you in a way which didn't invite the answer YES - I am royally pissed off that you let me down actually!

It wasn't that I was changing the weekend playdate - I was just suggesting popping up on the tueday too so DD could see her kids. And we were only going to the park so she didn't have to ut herself out at all. We were still going to do the weekend.

Oh I don't know - maybe I expect too much from people?

My problem is Twinkie, I find that I am usually too nice which sets me up for falls like this. Clearly you would have shown your friend much more consideration that she has you and like you say, it's only when you look back you realise that there are actually a few occasions like this - I was the same.
I was the idiot running around night before wedding at hotel laying table, I was idiot rushing around to florists morning of the wedding because no-one had arranged delivery and her mum was too busy in her 'Mother of the bride' dressing gown moaning about her hair.

So possibly her view could be that...you gatecrashed her Tuesday arrangement and are now being sniffy about it, despite her welcoming you along when it was at a neutral venue. Maybe the other woman asked your friend to picnic int he first place hence your friend feeling she should stick to seeing other woman as originally planned.

You obviously dint have a firm arrangement in terms of times etc (you said in OP you rang her to check what you were doing) so maybe your friend just didnt have this arrangement as concrete in her mind as you did (especially as she still thought at that point she was seeing you on the weekend)

Not trying to be horrible but i can see that there are defo two sides to this and i dont think you have been let down as badly as you seem to feel. However the fact you are sad about this means you really should talk to your friend about it....and not by text.

It does come across like you have an issue with this other posh woman and the factt hat your friend has made new friends so maybe that is colouring your view without you realising it.

High horses can be v. lonely places, especially when you have been feeling like that anyway with your move and stuff.

You can debate it til the cows come home on here but one of you will have to make the first move back towards at least speaking terms. It's not likely to be your friend so if you want to sort it out, then you'll have to grit your teeth and get on with it. You might find she's had a few days to reflect on things and wants to clear the air as well. I guess you have to decide if you want to leave it sort of 'unfinished' after 30 years of being mates or if it's important enough to sort out. I'm guessing that if it's important enough to post on here then it's worth addressing it again with her if only to set your mind at ease. If nothing else, you'll know that you made the first move so you'd be the bigger person.

Good luck whatever you decide. x

Honestly, I feel that in most cases the "prior engagement" would have to take priority, whether or not it was the way I wanted it. i.e your friend may have preferred to picnic with you in the park but because the original agreement had been for her to meet up with Hungover Friend, she felt she had to honour that commitment. BTW, did Hungover Friend know you were coming to the picnic? If she did, she really should have asked you to her house as well.

Sorry to hijack, but just wondered what happened foghornleghorn that madeyou fall out with bf (sorry for being nosy )