20 year old son/unpaying lodger

[Dawny65]

Dh, I & our 20 year old ds all live in the same house & work full time. Son has a decent job, works hard for 5 & half days a week & gets in at 845pm. He's very focused & sensible, doesn't waste time on computer games, doesn't smoke or take drugs, is very generous with birthdays, xmas etc so he could be a lot worse.
As he's busy with work & social life he's so thoughtless in other ways. Are they all like that? It's like he forgets about the boring stuff like helping around the house & doesn't chip in unless told to at a specific time, but he's pretty tidy. The only thing he offers to do is make the coffee. Of course he's responsible for his own car, phone bills & lunch. I want him to enjoy life while he's young so as long as he saves a bit every month for the future (which he does) I don't take any board off him.
So he gets a free b&b, evening meal, washing & ironing done. He cleans his room when I remind him to. I think, despite him getting back so much later than us I'm still justified in setting up a bit more of a rota do you think? Even if it's just washing up every night at 9pm. I'm too soft I know!

Well i'd stop doing his washing and ironing for a start!

I think you need to prepare him for future life. Are you expecting his future partner to wash and cook for him or would you prefer that he be a partner who shares the load.

Offer room and breakfast for free.
He cooks his evening meal himself and cleans, does his own washing and ironing. Cleans he room if he wants or lives in his filth. Takes a turn cleaning the bathroom etc.

Fine, except washing and ironing. He can do his own.

I’d say he cooks for everyone once a week, does his turn on the washing up, puts a wash on like everyone else, and has a couple of dedicated jobs that are ‘his’ (mowing the lawn, putting the bins out, keeping the downstairs loo clean). You’re not doing him any favours here.

For me, @Dawny65, it depends on what he is doing with the money he’s saving by living at home. If he is socking it away in his savings, so he can afford a deposit and first month’s rent or a deposit for a mortgage in the future, then I can understand you not charging him rent.

If, on the other hand, he is frittering it away on computer games and a busy social,life, then I’d say he needs a bit of a lesson on the realities of life, starting with paying some rent and money towards bills too.

He also needs to learn to be more proactive about contributing to the household in other ways - cooking for you all, cleaning common areas like the kitchen, sitting room and bathroom - a heck of a lot more than making the coffee!

And it goes without saying he needs to do his own laundry and ironing - please don’t raise a boy who thinks the woman in his life will do these jobs, OP.

Omg stop doing his washing! What the hell. If he's being cooked for every night and never cooking I would also put him in charge of washing up. Every day.

OMG my first husband had been bought up by a mother like you. It was not good. You are not doing him any favours. And his wife will hate you for it.

It's great he is working hard and saving. You should be proud,
I'd get him to do a couple of things a week. Vary it a bit so he learns how to do everything.
I think I'd be too soft too but as the above poster said you're not doing him (or his future partner) any favours!

Stop doing his washing and ironing! Christ that should've stopped years ago!!!

My son isn't even 3 yet and even he loads his own washing from the basket to the washer! Why have you never taught your son to do it all himself?

His future partner will hate you if you keep doing this shit for him. Parent him not mother him ffs!

You have no need to be slave and you are not preparing him for life in the big bad world, he does need to pay board and help out otherwise he will still be with you when he is 50 years old.

It's been many years since the 21st birthday was the age of majority, but there's still a resonance there. Why not make a big deal of it - and, by the way, I think we need to redraw the ground rules while we're at it?
When I was 21, some of my gifts were sums of money; after the big party, I was steered up the road to the bank, and shown how to fill in a standing order form, so that as my first salary came in, a (modest) amount went out. The terms were generous, but the point was made that I was home from college, and it was time to pay my way.
But I agree with PP's - introduce him to domestic chores sooner rather than later, if you ever envisage him leaving!

I wouldn't stop oing laundry but I would dedf have a word about contributing to the household both financially if he is working and through general chores. Can he put load of Family washing on, run hoover over the lounge, clean the bathroom ect. He really has no reason to moan.

Definitely a rota, although it will doubtless come as something of a shock if he's never lifted a finger hitherto now.

My DD2 is 21 and currently working full time and saving to go travelling. I take £25 per week from her for her board and lodging. We don't need the money but it is good for her to get into the habit of paying her pay. We did the same with DD1. I would start taking something from him on a regular basis.

And there was me hoping our mothers were the last generation to inflict manchildren on the world...

Yes OP, set up a rota.

My adults get to choose the bathroom and toilets or the rest of the house
They always choose bathroom and toilets.
They did chores from an early age though.

I don't do washing for DS14 - I work full time, long hours and so I throw my work clothes into the washer at a weekend, along with bedding and towels. There is no reason he can't do the same for himself. (And he does do). He can also cook himself a meal if he has to.

Agree with others that his future wife/partner will thank you.

He needs to be paying some board and pulling his weight round the house or he will have a big shock coming to him when he does move out!

And this is how menchildren come about. And you know, increasingly, women are not putting up with men like this and dumping them, so you are doing him no favours.

Stop providing services. He's 20 not 10. Or meal.

He gets assigned chores to do like a teenager and if he doesn't do them he needs to find another place to live.

You're enabling laziness and entitlement and he may well end up single because women aren't putting up with this type of sexist shit anymore.

Stop treating him like a child. Just because he gets back late it doesn’t mean he can’t do chores. He’s probably only getting back late because he’s going to the pub after work anyway.

He’s well on his way to being a spoilt, feckless husband for some poor woman.

You’re doing his future partner/wife/husband etc etc no favours whatsoever. I’m guessing he never did anything around the house from even a young teen. You’ve got to start them early (especially the boys) imho...otherwise you end up in situations like this.

Yes, you are too soft and are not setting him up for the future. Charge him rent, even just a nominal amount, get him to do his own washing and ironing too! My DS is a low paid apprentice but he insists on giving me rent each month.

You really aren't doing him any favours and you know that.

He has less chores than most 5yo?

I don't necessarily think that adult children needs to pay rent but they do have to do their own housework and then extra to "pay" for their living. You can just tell him what the expectations are. Like him keeping his room clean, do his own laundry and whatever you want him to do.

You are not doing him any favours. And his wife will hate you for it.
I understand what you are saying but it bothers me that it's the mother's fault. Doesn't the dad have anything to do with raising his child to be a functioning adult?

I would definitely suggest he does his own washing and ironing. And prepares a meal for the family at the weekend, if you cook for him in the week?