20 year old son/unpaying lodger

[Dawny65]

Dh, I & our 20 year old ds all live in the same house & work full time. Son has a decent job, works hard for 5 & half days a week & gets in at 845pm. He's very focused & sensible, doesn't waste time on computer games, doesn't smoke or take drugs, is very generous with birthdays, xmas etc so he could be a lot worse.
As he's busy with work & social life he's so thoughtless in other ways. Are they all like that? It's like he forgets about the boring stuff like helping around the house & doesn't chip in unless told to at a specific time, but he's pretty tidy. The only thing he offers to do is make the coffee. Of course he's responsible for his own car, phone bills & lunch. I want him to enjoy life while he's young so as long as he saves a bit every month for the future (which he does) I don't take any board off him.
So he gets a free b&b, evening meal, washing & ironing done. He cleans his room when I remind him to. I think, despite him getting back so much later than us I'm still justified in setting up a bit more of a rota do you think? Even if it's just washing up every night at 9pm. I'm too soft I know!

This is why adult children really need to get away from the family home. IMO children will be children no matter the age and parents will be parents. The dynamic will not change until he leaves, at which time he will adult more and you will stop parenting as much.

I think you need to prepare him for future life. Are you expecting his future partner to wash and cook for him or would you prefer that he be a partner who shares the load.

I am female and my parents did everything for me until I moved out in my mid twenties. I managed perfectly well to do my own washing and cooking etc when I lived on my own. Isn’t it a case of children learn to cope alone when they need to? I can’t say I ever found it particularly mystifying or complicated, neither did I require my partner to do it all for me.

Do children really need to be trained in these things at home? I am not being argumentative, I am genuinely curious as to views.

At 20 he does need to know how to use the washing machine. It's not difficult, just show him how to sort the clothes into whites, darks and lights and what programme to put them on.

If he has anything that needs ironing, he can take it to an ironing shop, as he is living rent free he can afford that. If he takes stuff out of the washing machine and hangs up as soon as it's finished, he won't have to do much ironing.

If you don't have a dishwasher, get one. He can learn to fill that too.

I hope his father is on your side in this.

Why is he not paying some board? Obviously I wouldn't suggest you charge him the going rate but I think he should be paying in the least a small amount, £30 a week, whether you need the money or not is totally irrelevant.

You should not be serving his every need, he won't learn to be self sufficient if he has his mummy at the age of 20 still doing everything for him; He's an adult with a job, he can make a meal a couple of times a week, do the food shop (even if online), do a few loads of washing.

You've made a rod for your own back, stop babying him for his own sake and yours.

My 14 year old does her own washing and ironing. Her room is a tip but she will tidy it when I ask

He needs to learn to look after himself. Take some dig money off him too. You are doing him no favours

Thank you for all your comments. He knows how to do the chores as he does them when we're on holiday & he's in charge of the house. He just reverts back to being a man child when we're home & "forgets" about them. Too self absorbed & head in the clouds.
He genuinly does come in from work at 845pm not the pub. The money side I can live with because he doesn't fritter it away & does save regularly.
I've had an argument & chat with him (again) & a rota will be drawn up, or he's out. Husband just likes a quiet life, agrees but does not back me up as I have a loud enough voice for the both of us 😈😈

So he gets a free b&b, evening meal, washing & ironing done. He cleans his room when I remind him to

FFS he’s 20 not 7!!! You’re the problem here OP not your son! Cut the apron strings seriously.

But if you don't cook for him or do his washing he'll have to step up.
And tbh lots of people come home at that time. My children batch cook so they don't have to cook during the week.

I really can’t figure out why you’re complaining? He is doing everything right, sounds very sensible and nice, and you’re moaning about him online - why? You said YOU told him not to pay rent so he doesn’t and YOU do his washing and ironing so he doesn’t. I’m sure he’d do it if you stopped. I feel like you’re being a bit mean about someone who sounds like a good person and I don’t think you’re too soft at all? Loads of parents do their live-in kids washing and let them share family meals. Most do a lot more too, AND put up with some bad behaviour which it sounds like you don’t have to put up with! If you want anything to change simply tell him?!

I think my four year old has more chores!

He’s off school today as he was sick yesterday and had a dodgy tummy, but he’s still managed to put his dirty bed sheet in the washing machine, selected the right setting and turned it on after I put the laundry liquid in. He puts half a bloody bottle in or he would do that as well.

When his clothes get washed I put them on his bed and he puts them away, when he puts his pjs on he puts his dirty clothes in the washing basket.

When he has had breakfast etc he puts rubbish in the bin then puts his bowl etc in the dishwasher. When it’s been cleaned I put the stuff from the top of the dishwasher away and he puts stuff from the bottom away.

Stop doing his washing and feeding him for free. I have a cleaner who charges £18 an hour, if you want to act as his staff make sure you charge him the going rate.

Mumsnet mums honestly sound horrible - not you, but a lot of the posters who comment on stuff like this. Of all the people I knew who lived at home into their twenties to save before moving out - NONE of them (myself included) were charged rent or for food by their parents, none of them cooked their own meals (we all ate together as families). When I lived at home I was happy to do my own washing but my mum said it was easier just to bung it all in the wash together so that’s what we did! I’m so glad I didn’t have some of these horrible strict Mumsnet parents, and I honestly don’t know anyone like this in real life. As a parent myself I’d only charge my child money to live at home if I absolutely HAD to, if I really couldn’t afford to live without it, as I’d want my kids to save some money and get off to a good start in life. I also couldn’t get that worked up about continuing to do their washing or allowing them to share family meals either - I really wouldn’t see that as a big sacrifice. Especially if they were returning home from work at nearly 9 each night!! But apparently I’m in the minority on Mumsnet 🤷‍♀️

Grumpymcgrumperson Please explain why it’s “horrible” for a mum to stop washing her grown son’s dirty pants. I doubt many dads do this for their adult children, so are they all mean too, or is that ok because it’s women’s work?

Treating your adult child, like an adult is not mean for god sake.

I could do my own washing and ironing by early teens... it's not difficult. I also was cooking basic oven cook things too. He is a fully grown adult. He should be doing his own washing etc or at least pitching in with everyone else.
My partners mum did everything for him but luckily he does pull his weight In our home although he can't cook! We both work full time we both share household stuff.

@Grumpymcgrumperson I hated paying board and I can guarantee it's more than some kids pay now. However I now realise my mum did the right thing and wasn't 'horrible' it set me up for life. I learned I had to pay out of my (apprentice) wage to live couldn't just by things I wanted. I learned to look after myself, how to wash, clean and cook. All life skills. Anyway OP son is an adult and should be doing his fair share.

we charge our working adult dc rent, so at least they know part of their wages are spoken for, as well as savings. we are down sizing late next year so they are saving up for deposits to house share. might be mean but everyone has out grown our house and they need to move on.
everyone is on board, and although some might say we are being hard on them, but 3 same sex adults sharing a bedroom isn't the last word either.

I haven't been moaning about my ds. He does not pay rent because he saves his money for the future, I offered for him to do this. I never implied that he's a bad lad, he is not & I am very proud at what he's achieving in life. He knows how to do the jobs, he's been taught from a young age. He's just thoughtless about doing it when we're home & he's not left in charge of the house. If we're away we always come back to a clean house.
I just wondered if I was being unreasonable telling him to do stuff when he's not getting home til 845 then having his tea, whilst we've been home since 6 & are sitting there doing nothing; but then if we've provided b&b & evening meal in the first place I guess it's only fair he washes up (we have no dishwasher) & does the rest of his allocated jobs, no matter how late it is.
He's agreed that any future wife would not put up with it in this day & age & he should not be thoughtless like this. A rota, pinned up in the kitchen, will hopefully remind him, as will no evening meal ready when he comes in if he does not fulfil his duties.
He could pay some rent as well as save his money but I'm of the opinion that as long as he doesn't p* his money up the wall then he can enjoy his sporting hobbies & social life with his friends while he's young & has the freedom. It's a long, hard slog once you're tied down with mortgages & domestic drudgery & his generation will be working past 70.

Im just as guilty as you OP - mine are 20 and 23 and I pay for a house keeper to look after us ! Im gonna have to stop it all soon though ! Xx

Dawny: I haven't been moaning about my ds. He does not pay rent because he saves his money for the future, I offered for him to do this. I never implied that he's a bad lad, he is not & I am very proud at what he's achieving in life. He knows how to do the jobs, he's been taught from a young age. He's just thoughtless about doing it when we're home & he's not left in charge of the house. If we're away we always come back to a clean house.
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Sounds like you've got it about right, Dawny. Well done.