Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm being unreasonable aren't I? Boyfriend on holiday

53 replies

AnxiousYes · 13/10/2019 10:22

My boyfriend of 6 months (early days) is on holiday in Spain with his friends, he's been there for 4 days now and is there another 3 days. We are 25. I've heard of him everyday since he's gone and we've had phone calls.(he asked for them) but I didnt hear off him all day yesterday. I said him a message yesterday saying good morning and to have a lovely day. He saw it but never replied but posted on instagram. And, with the joys of technology, I saw he was online on and throughout the day. I didnt think anything of if really though and didnt send any messages but went to bed. Woke up this morning and still no message despite him being active about an hour before i woke up.
So I sent a message saying "is everything okay"
And he replied saying "of course, why wouldnt it be?"
And then sent another saying "i did try and get in touch with you yesterday (and a kissing face) xxxxx"
So i replied back (as a joke)
"Just checking you were still alive (laughing face) and glad your having a good time!"

But now I feel so stupid!! I havent been messaging him loads during his holiday, i only message as a reply when he messages me. But I just wish i never sent that message now and i'm cringing at my "just checking your still alive" message Hmm i thought it was jokey at the time but now i've read it back, i'm worried he'll take it the wrong way!

I have so much anxiety right now :(

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 13/10/2019 10:25

You’re 25, time to stop acting like a teenager.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 13/10/2019 10:26

Just stop.

Put the phone away and get on with something else other than stalking his online activity.

Pointof0return · 13/10/2019 10:26

Try not to overthink and just see how things feel between you once he's back.

Hate text angst it's awful.

elessar · 13/10/2019 10:27

Really, just calm down.

You don't need to overthink this.

If you feel you need to then just back off a little with your messages - let him contact you next and leave some gaps before replying. But that is game playing a bit and shouldn't really be necessary in a grown up relationship

What did he mean said he did try and contact you? Are you saying you didn't get the message? If so why not just say that?

Jennifer2r · 13/10/2019 10:27

Your relationship is early days. Try not to worry. I agree your message was a bit clingy but, it was very mild. If its ruined his feelings for you then he probably wasn't that into you anyway.

Do you have anything you can focus on at home to try and feel less anxious? Turn your phone off, or call a friend, or go out for a bit. Try not to catastrophise. That's what these early days of a relationship are about, working this stuff out.

Original poster
AnxiousYes · 13/10/2019 10:28

I'm not anxious about his holiday at all, I trust him; i've been busy with work since he went, i'm literally only just anxious about the message I sent and I want to bang my head against a wall

OP posts:
Lonelymum11 · 13/10/2019 10:30

I wouldn't overthink your message. It sounds like he wanted to be in touch with you quite a bit with the phone calls so he'll probably see it as the joke you meant it to be. If you'd been hassling him all holiday then maybe he wouldn't but it doesn't sound like you were.

Probably for your own sanity don't pay attention to whether he's been online/posted on Instagram though.

MsVestibule · 13/10/2019 10:31

Bloody social media, text and IM. It causes so much angst. Back in the olden days, people used to go on holiday and you wouldn't expect to hear from them until they got back.

OP, I'd probably feel a bit cringe in your situation too (because I also overthink everything) but honestly, just forget about it now. He sent you a nice message back, he doesn't look as though he's taken it the wrong way.

Original poster
AnxiousYes · 13/10/2019 10:32

Yes he's been ringing me a lot which I was shocked at, one night I told him I was going to sleep and I asked me to try and stay awake for the next hour because he'll have good wifi then for a call,

I'm probably just overthinking but I never want him to think i'm obsessive

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousYes · 13/10/2019 10:33

*he asked me

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 13/10/2019 10:37

Sounds like he wants to call or message you on his terms.
Agree with PPscease the online checkingit'll drive you mad.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 13/10/2019 10:38

I never want him to think i'm obsessive

And yet here you are, stalking his internet activity and posting about him on mumsnet.

Original poster
AnxiousYes · 13/10/2019 10:41

@thealternativetentacle
I'm asking for advice on here which is what mumsnet is for, to stop driving myself crazy and get some perspective.
And with the joys of modern technology, it's pretty hard to not see when someone was last active

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousYes · 13/10/2019 10:42

@Lifeisabeach09
One thing i've noticed in previous relationships and sometimes even this one, is when boyfriends do something i.e. want a call or a message, it's not seen as needy, but if I was to ask for a call or send a message wondering why i hadnt heard, i'm needy

OP posts:
PrincessSarene · 13/10/2019 10:43

OP, I know it’s hard, but try not too worry over this too much! There was a change in the level of contact (which he was initiating, by the sounds of it), so I think you were perfectly fine to check everything was ok. Your message came across as quite light in time, so hopefully he will read it that way too. Regardless, take your mind off it and find something else to distract you so you don’t get tempted to check his online activity Smile

speakout · 13/10/2019 10:44

Ignore any texts or calls for the next few days from him OP.
Don't be available for late night calls.

SprinkleDash · 13/10/2019 10:45

If you carry on with this type of behaviour as your relationship progresses you will kill it stone dead! You need to back right off! He’s on holiday for FFS leave him alone.

When my DH goes on holiday with his friends I don’t speak to him the entire time he’s away (and vice versa if I’m away) because it’s our time to be our independent selves.

VickyEadieofThigh · 13/10/2019 10:48

I'm now 61 and in a very happy relationship with my (female) partner.

But I still occasionally think of how I drove away my boyfriend (together for 3 years, living together for the final year) when we were 25 through obsessive behaviour like you describe here. And thinking about it makes me cringe.

Don't do it.

Original poster
AnxiousYes · 13/10/2019 10:49

@SprinkleDash I don't see a problem with 2 people messaging just because one is on holiday. We don't message 24/7 but if he sends me a message, i'll reply, i'm not going to ignore him because he's on holiday, and vice versa,
I do give him that indepedence and he does to me too, hence why i became stressed when I asked him if everything was okay because I didnt get why i sent it since i dont usually. Maybe it's because it's the weekend so i've had more free time.
Back to work tomorrow!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/10/2019 10:50

You are being obsessive. I suspect you know that. There is nothing wrong with your message.

Original poster
AnxiousYes · 13/10/2019 10:54

I think some people are making out i'm like this 24/7 with him after only sharing a message I sent.
We didnt argue about him going on holiday- I wished him a good time, We have phone calls when he asks on holiday - I dont bug him for calls, He's been on night outs nearly every night - i dont ask him who he's with, what he's doing - I just laugh at some of the stories he sent me,

So the more i think about it, if someone is pushed away over a message (which he seems fine so i think i just was overthinking this morning but I feel a bit better now) then I'd hate to see how they react to serious arguments

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 13/10/2019 10:54

So your embarrassed that you sent him the 'are you still alive message' honestly just laugh it off and say you were only joking. He probably hasn't given it a second thought

Original poster
AnxiousYes · 13/10/2019 10:55

@Bluntness100 thank you, I feel much better after getting some perspective from mumsnet

OP posts:
SprinkleDash · 13/10/2019 10:55

@AnxiousYes I’m not suggesting you ignore him. If he messages (as my DH does on holiday now and then) then by all means reply but you’re ‘expecting’ replies, sending double texts and stalking his every move on social media! You need to back off or he will end the relationship!

Stuckinanutshell · 13/10/2019 10:57

I wouldn’t worry.

‘Being online’ can mean anything. I’m always ‘online’ on WhatsApp as the app is always open on my computer even though I’m not anywhere near it.

So don’t let ‘online’ etc mislead you. He might well not be really online.

I bet he isn’t even thinking your message was weird etc and is so caught up with his friends it didn’t really register.

Just let him message you next and leave it there.