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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I wrong to be mad

44 replies

Stupidhippie · 12/10/2019 23:20

I just want to know what other people think about this as I don’t want to be a nightmare and unreasonable.
My partner has been out on a works do since 12 and it was in another town. I am pregnant and not been myself for a couple of months and thought he might come back when it had ‘finished’ so that tomorrow I’m not stressed with looking after our toddler alone (cause he’ll be rough) I messaged him to see if he was getting the last train back but he said he was already on his way back but going on to other pubs with his friend (female). I just feel I personally wouldn’t be staying out with a guy when I’d been out all day and when everyone else is was going home I’d just go home also cause it wouldn’t sit right with me. I know there’s nothing going on and I’ve no reason to think anything would it’s just how it looks that’s bothering me and why wouldn’t he want to come home and not be rough tomorrow??

OP posts:

MT2017 · 12/10/2019 23:53

I know there’s nothing going on and I’ve no reason to think anything would it’s just how it looks that’s bothering me

YABU - why do you care what anyone else thinks?

drinkygin · 13/10/2019 00:41

Yabu and controlling. I don’t get some mumsnetter’s aversion to looking after their own toddlers when pregnant- you’re carrying a baby not terminally ill

drinkygin · 13/10/2019 00:42

And he doesn’t want to come home because he’s letting his hair down and having fun. I wouldn’t take well to having a curfew either. He is an adult.

MrsAJ27 · 13/10/2019 00:44

You have been at home all day with a toddler...your husband should be home by now. He is not a single person with no responsibilities

CharityConundrum · 13/10/2019 01:24

I don’t get some mumsnetter’s aversion to looking after their own toddlers when pregnant

I think the OP's more concerned about her husband's aversion to looking after his child since he's been out all day and probably won't be up to the job tomorrow. And he's not even carrying a baby!

puppyconfetti · 13/10/2019 01:39

Who he was with is less of the issue for me as the fact he has been out drinking for 12 hours. That's a problem. It's excessive, it's unnecessary and it's really shitty when you have a partner at home looking after your child.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 13/10/2019 01:52

I think it's a thing to be 'in the moment' ("I'm out having fun. Meh, I'll deal with it tomorrow") and we've all done this when we've been younger/single/not parents.

Women tend to stop this because they know full-well what the day-to-day is like with young ones the day after. Men (who usually go out to work longer hours than women) still tend to wing it, thinking it'll be ok. And they get away with it because the women tend to swoop in and make things ok (if resentfully).
So, if you're genuinely ok with him going out, don't give him a hard time for it.
BUT, don't get up in the morning... It's HIS turn.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 13/10/2019 02:03

I understand where you're coming from OP. My husband used to regularly party hard while I was very pregnant and I hated it because I was nesting and he worked crazy long hours and I felt like I needed him there with me, but I didn't stop him or show him I was upset because we were in a foreign country and when we left I knew he was probably never going to see any of those people again, and they were more than colleagues, by that point they were his friends who had been through thick and thin with him. Yeah, we want them home to help with the nest, but just because we can't go out and party doesn't mean we should begrudge them it. On the other hand, if he's doing it regularly with the same woman then it's time to read him the riot act.

femfemlicious · 13/10/2019 02:33

Do you have family or friends nearby. If I were you I would let him stay in bed till at most 11am and then wake him up and leave the house. Go to the cinema and have a lovely meal out or simply go to someone's house, have a lovely nap or just lie in their bed watching netfix/ films etc(my idea of heaven). Don't let this stress you . Just look forward to me time tomorrow.

BellyButton85 · 13/10/2019 03:18

You think it's difficult looking after a toddler while your pregnant...wait until you have a toddler with a baby.
Your being very unreasonable unless there's a drip and this is a weekly occurrence. Let him have his day/night out

Hederex · 13/10/2019 06:31

I'd be pissed off in your shoes too OP, because I wouldn't fancy taking full responsibility for family life tomorrow because my partner had a hangover.
As a one off, I'd let it go, but I wouldn't be happy if it became a regular thing.

Bucatini · 13/10/2019 06:37

I think it depends on how often this happens. If it's a really rare occurrence then I'd think fair enough, it's OK for him to let his hair down once in a while. If it happens quite often then I'd be pissed off and think that he was out of order to keep checking out of family life and leaving me to take care of everything.

Notajogger · 13/10/2019 06:46

I think I'd be peeved in your shoes, he's had his fun work thing, to carry on when you've been doing all the things which should be both of your responsibility all day is a bit off of him.
Oh well - his turn tomorrow! Can you go out and chill, leave him to it? Or get him to go out with the DC, say you need some peace and quiet?

Sweetpeach3 · 13/10/2019 07:08

What time did he come home op?

If it was a works night out you can't really make him come home just because you've got a toddler and pregnant plus he didn't do anything wrong he told you what he was doing he wasn't sneaky about any of it, One night every so often doesn't hurt anyone we all need a good drink and let our hair down

Maybe if he did it every weekend then fair enough give him some grief but I don't think that's the case ?

My ex used to go out every weekend and come home at like 7am when I had a toddler and a new born and 2 teenagers at home an he would be rough for 2 days straight. In the end I got that posed off I locked him out for 2 days an he lived in his car an had drive his sisters around the corner for the toilet an food .... he didn't do it again to say the least 🤗🙋🏼‍♀️

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2019 07:12

Is it. Regular thing?

If not then let the guy have fun, you should be able to do the same and not have a curfew. I understand you can't drink at the moment.

But he's not a child who should be home by a certain time.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/10/2019 08:19

He's been out drinking all day and all night Saturday, so he'll probably be hungover all day Sunday. Not much of a weekend for OP is it? Why is it "controlling" to want your partner to do their fair share when it comes to parenting?

drinkygin · 13/10/2019 08:20

obviously it’s different if he’s doing it weekly 🙄 presumably the op would have mentioned if that was the case though, as it’s quite important to give context isn't it. Honestly all the pearl clutching over him being a dad and he shouldn’t be going out drinking...some people continue to have a life when they have kids, believe it or not.
If the op had posted this from the opposite perspective my answer would be exactly the same (pregnancy aside).

drinkygin · 13/10/2019 08:21

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery who said he doesn’t pull his weight? He might be a great dad and very involved the rest of the tome. Why would you assume otherwise based on one night out? So glad I’m not as spiteful and petty as some of the people on here honestly.

Livelovebehappy · 13/10/2019 08:29

If it’s a one off situation I wouldn’t give it headspace.

JacquesHammer · 13/10/2019 08:36

I have no time for men who check out of family life by getting a hangover.

Desperately unattractive if nothing else!

Original poster

Stupidhippie · 13/10/2019 08:40

The post isn’t about controlling him it’s about felling a bit let down and lonely. The work thing was a meal at 2pm it ended when everyone left the place they where at and travelled home and he came in at 4am which means today’s a write off cause it takes a full day for him to feel 100%. He went on a work thing a couple of weeks ago and came home around the same time and we had a discussion about it as I am not having a great time mentally or great pregnancy so I struggle day to day. Being pregnant isn’t a illness yes I know that but it’s tough and can be a lonely place if your struggling. We have been together for a very long time and we are straight with one another so my point was he knows how I’m feeling so I would of thought once he was back in his home town he would of come home a bit earlier than 4am than carry on drinking. He can go out and do what he wants when he wants my point was I felt sad at his decision to when he knows he will struggle today and not be much help. Men should still have a life when they have kids or their partner is pregnant but in my opinion he isn’t a teenager he is a father with responsibilities and needs to be useful to his family

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 13/10/2019 08:42

The likelihood is that the whole weekend will be a write-off.

Nothing 'controlling' about the OP at all.

drinkygin · 13/10/2019 08:43

You can feel lonely and let down and still be being unreasonable. Emotions are not always reasonable. I’m sorry you’re feeling rubbish but I still think if it’s not a regular occurrence you should give him a break.

MyNewBearTotoro · 13/10/2019 08:52

My DP and I have a rule that if the kids are in bed you can go out and stay out as late as you want at the weekend, but you still have to be on kids duty the next day. If one of us decides to stay out til early hours and then be hungover and feeling rotten that’s tough, there’s still no getting out of the early morning or the usual stuff we have to do for the kids and the other one isn’t going to pick up the slack. To be honest it’s rare either of us stays out late on a night out because we know the kids will be up early anyway, but if one of us is out late the other isn’t sat at home seething about it because we know there’ll still be two of us doing all the usual kids routines in the morning.

Don’t let your husband lie about in bed all day hungover whilst you play the martyr and do everything for the toddler. Make sure he gets up and does his share of childcare and household chores today. If necessary leave him with the toddler at home and go out for a few hours to make sure he can’t pass the responsibility onto you.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/10/2019 09:13

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery who said he doesn’t pull his weight? He might be a great dad and very involved the rest of the tome. Why would you assume otherwise based on one night out? So glad I’m not as spiteful and petty as some of the people on here honestly.

There's no need to get so angry. People are allowed to disagree with you and sympathise with the OP, it doesn't make them "spiteful and petty". Also you're reading a lot into my post that isn't there. I didn't make any assumptions at all about what OP's DH is like "the rest of the time". Her AIBU is about his behaviour this weekend so that's what I commented on. I was pointing out that if he's not intending to do any parenting at all this weekend because he's been out drinking all day and all evening Saturday and then recovering on Sunday, that's a bit crap for the OP especially if she's working during the week.

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