Struggling step mum

[Notaclue26]

I have 2 step sons, they live with my partner and me. Their mum was abusive social stepped in and we gained custody last year. Their mum is always in and out even when they were living with her. She'd often just "dump" them on us and not see them for months. Now they live with us she barely ever sees them.

She's very selfish and enjoys fun, kids don't fit into her lifestyle, every summer she refuses to see them because she has a very social life.

Currently she hasn't seen them in 3 months, out of the blue she messaged the boys twisted her recent abandonment on my partner.

The youngest knows her better and wants nothing to do with her, he calls me his upgraded mum as she is only ever horrible to them.

The eldest is autistic and has adhd he doesn't understand as well, she makes him feel worthless and whenever she does get in contact he gets stressed and upset. He feels he should see her because she's his mum and she is now asking for him, not understanding that it's all for show and she's probably only asking because her family are making her or she's just after a Christmas present.

Am I out of line for feeling hurt when he asks about her, I feel like no matter what I do for them, what I've given up to be everything she not im still not good enough. Is this just a selfish thought?
Please be honest as I'm trying hard to put them first but it doesn't stop the pain.

im still not good enough

That's wrong, but she'll always be their mum and they may never stop at least wondering after her. It's not anything you've done, or not done I'm sure.

She’s their mum, they won’t cut her off just because you “do the job” better.

OP- you know you are doing a better job than their mother - hell who couldn't after what she has done and is doing.

The poor child who is autistic will struggle to get the subtleties of it - hell how does anyone admit their parent is shite, let alone one who has emotional issues.

Keep it up one has got it, the other one will too but processing it may take longer. He is not insulting you

@thehop She’s their mum, they won’t cut her off just because you “do the job” better

Thats a very unfair comment! OP YANBU to feel the way you do. Just keep doing what you're doing, which is looking after them.

They are very lucky to have you op and I'm sure they love you a lot. They love their mum additionally, it's natural. Don't take it personally.

She's their mother, and no amount of "doing better" will remove her from that role in their lives. It's not a competition though. What you are doing for them is the necessary, day to day, irreplaceable graft that will shape their childhoods. It's valuable and you're amazing for doing it. Don't compare your roles or your relationships, your step children are not dismissing your contribution by loving their mother, it's just a hardwired response in them.

Please be honest as I'm trying hard to put them first but it doesn't stop the pain.

Children go on loving horrible, abusive parents. It's irrational but it's also normal. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Your younger DSS has already worked out how much better you treat him than his mum. And if your older DSS is autistic and has ADHD you can surely understand his difficulty dealing with this very hard situation?

You're the grown up here and it sounds as if you're doing a magnificent job. I'm also a stepmum but my DSD is now an adult. I know now just how important my input during her childhood was in building the woman she's become. Her mum allowed bad things to happen to her but she still loves her - and I totally accept this.

Have faith that you're doing all the right things. Love them for themselves and don't waste time comparing yourself to this bad mother.

Thank you for reply.

I know she's there mum, I guess what I find hard is, she's just been so nasty to them. She's hit them, neglected them, starved them, she swears at them all the time, she taunts and punishes them for nothing, she calls police on them when she's been in wrong. She's told them that I'll be having a baby on Christmas Day 3 years ago and on Christmas Day we'll kick them out on street, I wasn't pregnant, I have no children of my own and I don't want any. She's done so much more as well.

She has no emotional bond, no maternal feelings, she'll not see them for months and then when she sees them for first time she just grunts at them and tells them they aren't good enough for her.

She has even told the youngest that she won't buy his school photos because he's not good looking enough and then pointed out all the plastic surgery and other beauty procedures he needs.

.... And all this stuff is just tip of the iceberg, even the 4 social workers we've had, police and both schools have said the boys would be better off not seeing her again as no good comes from her.

Guess I just find it hard to understand why he still wants to see her after everything she's done. X

OP, it sounds like you’re a lovely step mum. But whatever their birth mum (sorry if that’s the wrong phrase but “real” mum doesn’t feel appropriate on this thread either) has done they will likely still love her, purely because she’s their mum. On some level they may also blame themselves for her abandoning them, and want to prove to her that they are good enough. I’m sure it must be even harder when additional needs are in the mix.
But YANBU to struggle, you’re only human too.

She's very selfish and enjoys fun, kids don't fit into her lifestyle

This is me! The difference! I haven’t nor will I ever produce children. She’s a fucking disgrace!

One day he might have enough, as he gets older. For the moment he does appreciate you and all you do, even if he seems more interested in his mum. In his hopes and dreams he wants her to step up and be a decent mum. Poor lad. My friend had a mother like this and an angelic stepmum, who let her forge her own path, see her mum when she wanted and finally work out that it was pointless. She died recently. Her mum wasn't there, it was her stepmum who held her hand and mopped her brow right up to the end. And it was her stepmum that she valued more than anything.

@rubyblue40 I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound unkind.

I’m having some problems with my own eldest cutting me off so maybe personal issue coming through

Apologies OP

A kinder version of my statement in its place. Blood is thick, it takes a lot for a child to not want to see a parent, even a bit very good one

Thank you for all your advice, I've been so isolated these past 3 years and have lost a lot of my friends, I have no one to talk to about this stuff who isn't my partner.

I'll try and keep in mind everything you've all said and I'll reread them all when I'm struggling again. Thank you x

if 4 SW said the children would be better not seeing them, why didn't they take mum to court and stop it? Why is contact not in a supervision centre? (Something not adding up.)
I think you are being unreasonable. You are giving the children what they need but unfortunately you ae not the mum, that does not mean you are unappreciated or loved.

How you feel is completely understandable. They’re lucky to have you.

Are you feeling properly supported by your partner? If you don’t want children of your own then taking two on full time is massive and your lives must all have changed beyond recognition and your head is probably still catching up a bit. They’ve been terribly abused and will be processing that forever. You need to accept your feelings as valid and natural and give yourself a break

@June 2007.

We haven't taken her to court because the kids live with us.

She doesn't really see them.

until this evening she hadn't seen or contacted them for 3 months.

For the first several months she refused to see them, then it was 1 child at a time for 1-2 hrs that lasted about a couple months, then CSA got involved so she started having them to sleep 7pm until 7am they go bed at 8:30 & 9. That lasted almost 2 months. Now she's gone back to not seeing them and there was a few weeks in a row she didn't see them in that as well, it was all irregular.

They now under a porchlight person and since she's been helping the kids, their mum hasn't see them, this person hasn't even meet their mum

So there hasn't really been a need to but it may be a route we may have to go down at some point, if she kicks off again and it gets too much.

We've just been trying to protect the boys from the whole court scene as they have been through enough as it is, they are fed up with all the social worker meetings etc they just want to play with their friends and be normal, We're trying our best to give them normal, court is a very last resort for us

Not quite the same thing but similar.

I’m a nanny, my first charge when I was 17, he was 9 months, his dad walked out when he was 6 months, never saw him again, his mum became a party girl, I had him day and night 7 days a week.

Her partying got out of hand and Thursday to Monday evening we would stay at my parents house as she bought different men home every night, some would pester me, most would shout at my charge, I asked her if it would be ok and she realised that it would be better for her.

My parents took him on, I was 19 my younger brother 13 and he was 3 by this point, she had stopped paying me so I had to get another job, by the time he was 7 he barely saw him mum, birthdays, Christmas, Easter when my parents would invite her (and her current boyfriend) to the parties/dinners that they arranged and paid for. She never came with a present or card, she would just hand him a wodge of notes and a promise of seeing him soon as she left for another 4-6 months. He’s done really well for himself, has a great job, a lovely wife, won’t have children in case he dumps them too. He’s now 34 years old and still goes running when she calls him! It drives me and my parents crazy but now realise that a mother’s love is enduring.

Sorry - a child’s love for their mother is enduring.

@ Annelovesgilbert hope I've remembered your name right I'm terrible with tech, sorry if I haven't.

Yes my partner is amazing. He's my rock. He's so understanding even when I have a wobble from stress. He does so much for the kids and me, I've never known a guy like him before, I wouldn't be in this situation if he wasn't worth it

I've never even really liked kids, I'm rubbish around them, I'm a kind person who'll do anything for anyone and seeing what they've been through and they are such lovely kids it's hard to not love them. I do find it hard as my life is so restricted now and I even had to quit my job because everything got so messy I had to be here, I'm now looking to go back to work, I trained as a counselor but I don't have the energy for that at the moment, I've also got a demanding mother who sometimes adds to the pressure. It's a whole new life I never thought I'd be living and I sometimes feel pulled in 2 directions with kids and my mum.

But I love the kids like they are my own and although I want different things for example I want to move to Scotland I can't because of kids. They are more important and I'll always put them for, they've pulled the maternal out of me that I never thought I'd have or want to have.

Guess that's why I sometimes feel not good enough in their eyes

I think it’s just a case of them hoping one day she will be a better mum. They forgive her over and over again.

A social worker friend once told me it broke her heart how loyal children were to their abusive parents, they would forgive such cruelty and truly believe their parent would change.

You are doing a great job, they need stability and love. I know the yearning for their mother must kill you, but hang in there.

You are a good and open-hearted person OP, and no matter how little you feel it now, the work you are doing for those children will support them all their lives. Don't doubt yourself.

Thank you.

I get what your social worker friend means, It is a fear that she'll mess them up more, I don't want to see them hurt anymore. We were just getting the autistic one settled and happy again, it's a worry that her message tonight will set him off again.

Before they moved in with us, she was screwing with their heads so much they couldn't concentrate at school, they are in high school now, they have that fresh start and they are both doing so well (homework is a nightmare) but school itself is great for them, I just worry she'll affect their school life again. I want them to have the best adulthood they can, I don't want her to ruin their chances of getting good grades and getting a good job

You sound like a great team OP and that’s half the battle. I’m a stepmum and we have my DSC a lot but I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you and my heart goes out to all of you. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Quitting your job sounds concerning, if counselling is too much right now can get a job doing something else? Time away from home is important and would give you a life outside of the boys.

Are they getting extra pastoral support from school?

As others have said op, you’re doing an amazing job with those kids, they are incredibly lucky to have you, and so is your dp. But she’s their mum and always will be. My children have an abusive dad but an amazing stepdad.. their dad will always be important to them whatever happens.