Struggling step mum

[Notaclue26]

I have 2 step sons, they live with my partner and me. Their mum was abusive social stepped in and we gained custody last year. Their mum is always in and out even when they were living with her. She'd often just "dump" them on us and not see them for months. Now they live with us she barely ever sees them.

She's very selfish and enjoys fun, kids don't fit into her lifestyle, every summer she refuses to see them because she has a very social life.

Currently she hasn't seen them in 3 months, out of the blue she messaged the boys twisted her recent abandonment on my partner.

The youngest knows her better and wants nothing to do with her, he calls me his upgraded mum as she is only ever horrible to them.

The eldest is autistic and has adhd he doesn't understand as well, she makes him feel worthless and whenever she does get in contact he gets stressed and upset. He feels he should see her because she's his mum and she is now asking for him, not understanding that it's all for show and she's probably only asking because her family are making her or she's just after a Christmas present.

Am I out of line for feeling hurt when he asks about her, I feel like no matter what I do for them, what I've given up to be everything she not im still not good enough. Is this just a selfish thought?
Please be honest as I'm trying hard to put them first but it doesn't stop the pain.

I lived 30 miles away, and I don't drive, i quit my job the first time she left them before they moved in with us, as my partner works extreme shifts and we didn't know what was happening I was only working in a take away at the time, I quit to move in and have the kids but that was under our first social worker and she made the kids go back (I believe she's is no longer a social worker)

After that everything was just so stressful and uncertain, I did get another job here but again had to drop it. Now things are getting now settled in looking for an easy job that I can work in kids school hours, having a special needs child is harder as you need to be there more than you do with other children his age.

The eldest is under Sen so he gets help, they have a porchlight person to talk to, the youngest only started school sept, but I'm sure if he needs help the school will help him.

I wanted to get them taking to a counselor, but they have really have had enough of all the interventions, they kinda see it as pointless as, as they put it, none can make their mum be nice to them so why bother.

When she's not in their life with no contact they are happy.

When she does get back in contact the eldest seems to forget everything and just wants to see her, I think he does hope she'll be different this time.

Didn't want to say this before as I know how it sounds, but she does have (every actually) sociopath trait and I have wondered if she does suffer from this, it would make so much sense if she does, but it also means she has no chance of ever changing, which only leads to more heartache for the boys

The whole thing is just a hard situation to be in for all of us

Yabu, but in an entirely understandable way.

Dsd's mum can't, rather than won't parent. I've raised her for over half her life, and even when dp was officially only 50/50 we did most of the parenting.

I remember feeling similar years ago. But now I have a more balanced view. Probably helped by the fact dd is close in age so I have a wider view of what the important part of parenting is. I don't have the title, and her mother will always have a place in her heart. But I'm the one she wants when she's upset, or to share an achievement, or to discuss a problem. I'm the one that she goes to when she's stuck, that she knows she can call at 2am and I'll pick her up. The one that can pick out a book, or a t-shirt when I'm shopping for someone else and know she'll love it. The one that's laughed hysterically or cried with her. I'm the one that got the joy of raising her, and the one that proudly saw her off to university.

I pity her mother because she's missed out on dsd.

call that is a genuinely selfless story, you and your parents sound lovely.

Your post has such a sadness to it, OP. I think you are doing a wonderful job, giving the kids a stable and loving home, away from the toxic influence of their awful mother. It seems like she lives to cause misery for others, she maybe even has feelings of jealousy towards you, so please don't allow her to undermine your self esteem.

Your older stepchild is unable to fully appreciate the situation and that's not his fault, but I imagine it's hard not to feel hurt when he still can't let go of her. It's not a reflection on you, though, and your younger stepchild's words & actions prove this.

As the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy. Quite simply, there is no comparison between you and the kids' biological mother. Your love & care for them is what is helping to make their lives better, what is shaping them for the future. You are making it possible for them to have a very different future. Please start appreciating yourself more.

Thank you.
Your message made me see it in a different way.

The youngest won some candles at a raffle in summer, his nan was there (mum's mum) she hinted for them but he told her they would be for me.
Mother's Day they both wanted to get me something but not their bio mum, even tho my partner tried to get them to at least get her a card they refused saying all the cards say how lovely she is and she really isn't.

I guess remembering these things with the in the one that tell when they get an achievement, I'm the one that stands on the cold windy field every winter watching them play for their local team, and watch them get their end of season awards, their mum hasn't bothered at all in the 3 seasons they've played. They do have a closer bond with me and I do know this.
I guess this is why it hurts when the eldest still wants to go when she clicks her fingers despite the safeguarding issues.

But seeing what you've written, gives me comfort. I hope they still have that bond with me when they are young adults and by then they won't need her as much, I just really don't want to see her hurting them anymore, they've been through so much already they're still babies in my eyes, I just want to protect them

They go when she clicks her fingers because she can't be relied upon. They have to take it when there's a chance. Your love and support is always there.

I do still feel the same about the ability to hurt, although that has reduced over time so it's less of an issue. The important part is that they'll know already that you'll be there to pick up the pieces.

As they get older then like all dc, it becomes about needing parents emotionally, rather than physically, so if anything your bond will increase. I have no doubt you'll bear the brunt of the 'Kevin' stage in their teens. But that's because they won't be worried you'll fuck them off again for months because they did something wrong or didn't jump quick enough.

And you are protecting them, just by providing the love and stability they need.

Thank you everyone so much for your kind words, it's been a long time since I've felt like I've had someone to talk to that doesn't either knows the real her and hates her or only knows the fake face and believe her when she says she's the victim and convincing all her friends that she's the one in danger not the kids when they are together.

It's nice to see a neutral opinion that goes on just a handful of events not a personal feeling, it helps me keep things in perspective.

I did toss up whether to post this thread or not as I'm not one for airing my laundry. I'm not even on any social media. It's just been a very stressful 3 years I've just got to the point where I needed to hear someone outside our bubbles view, so thank you all so so much for taking the time to read all this and to advise me I really do appreciate it, it's like having my circle of friends back xx

Glad you’ve had decent support here. MN can be excellent. Keep talking, I’m happy to listen.

Thank you so much xx

YANBU. Some women do not deserve the title mum

Hi Op, it sounds like you are an absolute godsend to the children, and doing a fantastic job.

I think others are right that the children will always pine after a relationship with their mother - not because you are providing anything less than they need, but because the feeling that your birth mother doesn't love you/ has rejected you is devastating, and people will always fantasize about it turning out different/ rework that loss to try to cope with it.

Along with everything else you are doing to mother them, helping them cope with this rejection is important. That doesn't mean pushing them to dismiss or forget her, but helping them frame the story of their birth mother in a way that helps them be at peace with it. I am not an expert, but something along the lines of the fact that she loves them but isn't well enough to be a good mother and probably never will. And that you are incredibly happy and proud that you get to mother them instead. It may also be important to help them feel their sadness, so it doesn't get locked inside and therefore stop them reaching acceptance... if they feel they are hurting you by expressing sadness about their mum not being there, they may bury their feelings instead.

It sounds like they are already expressing a lot of love for you and I am sure in the coming years this will grow and grow, so you can have no doubt of the incredible, central value you have in their lives. And I am quite sure having you as a loving, mother will hugely improve their wellbeing through all their lives.....

@Notaclue26 What you are doing for those boys is beautiful and I assure you that they will grow up loving you and thankful for the love and support you have shown them. You have stepped up to a very big plate and it sounds like you have fulfilled it and more. The hardest part of motherhood is how many directions you get pulled in, the fact you took that on voluntarily and have grown to love your step sons will mean the world to them.

The problem with the boys biological mother is she has rejected them and it is hard wired in abuse children to seek out their parents approval. They will always seek it out and regardless of how wonderful a job you are doing being a mum to them, they will always feel the pain of that stigma and seek out a resolution (coming from a 33 year old who has gone no contact with her abusive mother the last 3 years).

I take my hat off to you, the boys are so lucky to have you. I have a friend who’s sister is like the woman you discribe, i’m afraid her nieces haven’t been as lucky as your boys. My friend is lovely and would’ve taken her nieces in but her sister would have used it against her with emotional blackmail and she couldn’t put herself through it. You are a very special person