To say no to baby’s fathers demands ?

[Northmumof2]

It’s a difficult one, I realise I’m clouded by anger so I’d appreciate other people’s views.

I have a DS from previous relationship and DD with now ex partner.
7 weeks ago DD dad left, told me he wasn’t feeling the same. Was surprisingly amicable I was just understandably gutted. During this time he’s called round once a week to see DD, it hasn’t been planned just whenever he’s randomly text saying can I call round tonight and I’ve let him every time, usually got here about 6pm and DD went bed at 7. They’ve all been on week nights we haven’t seen him on a weekend.
He’s also throughout this time been telling me he’s still thinking etc - not sure if he was just saying that to try make me feel better but ?

My issue is now he’s messaged me saying he wants a plan for DD, insisting she goes over night, telling me she’s half his etc.
While I completely agree she is and I’ve no issue with him seeing her- I find it abit rich he thinks it’s fine to pick and choose ? Not once in 7 weeks has he offered any help nothing.
And I’m quite embarrassed to admit when he was here he did nothing, he’s never even got up with her in the night or the morning - the argument was I was on maternity and Sod’s law he left the week I started back at work.
He’s never even taken her out on his own. I will add he did leave me when I was pregnant and came back when she was 3 months, I don’t even know why I stayed in this relationship as 3 times when he was here and went out I found bags of coke. I’m guessing I was just blinded and I’m so ashamed of myself for putting up with it
I’m just sick of the inconsistency and now unsure what’s best for DD. In my eyes if you leave for 7 weeks without a care it’s abit shit, what do I suggest in terms of contact? Would you send her Over night straight away?
In short I don’t trust him, I’m well aware I have made a rod for my own back becagse I’ve always done everything for her, I should have buggered off out but I never did and now he’s clueless as to how to look after her

Sorry should add DD is 10 months DS is 4 x

Wtf you had him back even though he left bags of coke in the house where your four year old son lives?

This happened about 4 months after he came back, in the space of about 2 weeks. He swore it wouldn’t happen again and I stupidly believed him. It didn’t happen again to be truthful but he was still useless

If you think you can both be reasonable and sort this out long term then tell him yes, you are quite happy to work towards him having her overnight, weekends, holidays etc. But that he would obviously need to build up rapport with her and his patenting knowledge and skills.

Suggest he has her out if your home for a few hours at a time, friending on her usual feeding routine.

Be very, very helpful, suggest all sorts of useful tips, books, places to go etc... in emails and texts. Don't let him have it all his own way, get him used to doing things the best way for his DD. You never know, he might grow up to be a good parent.

Good luck

No it's too soon at that age for overnights and even when she's older you will need to gradually build up.
What he wants and she needs are two different things.

Sorry

Patenting = parenting

And the other was supposed to be depending on DDs usual feeding routine

What would you suggest is a good starting point ?
I initially suggested he collects her one night a week after work and brings her back ready for bed. He called me disgusting offering that little ( but that’s more than he’s done in 7 weeks ?)
So I was going to suggest that and a Sunday afternoon ? I just want what’s best for her but I don’t want her to think wtf is going on

Well know you know he’s a waste of space, druggie (they all lie he’s still using guarantee) so I would go down the legal route and he can see his child when he is clean and responsible! Don’t put your child’s life in danger for him.

Tell him it isn't disgusting, it is simply allowing him to learn to cope with her and to help keep to her usual routine.

Remind him he had no input into her daily care and has no idea how to soothe her, calm her, keep her engaged. He should thank you for allowing him to learn how to do that in manageable bites.

Basically just be pedantically sweet and nice, but determined

And yes, if he tries to play hard ball tell him to take it to a judge and you will be asking for a drug test...

No no and NO>>>>> he doesn't sound responsible enough to leave a hampster with.....if any partner of mine had been found with Coke l would never see him again child or no child.

I believe there's research to suggest that overnights with the non-resident parent are harmful before age two (might be three, can't remember). I'd fight it for that reason alone.

Also, she's not 'half his'. She's a person, not a TV FFS. No one owns her.

Are you breastfeeding? If so, he can’t have her outside of the house and no court will give him overnights. Tell him to go to court.

Just checked, it's no overnights until age three.

Send him this: www.mediate.com/divorce/pg1034.cfm

Let him go to court, too young to be a football

Absolutely not...for the drugs alone.

He uses class A drugs, good luck with him getting an order in front of a judge.

Seek legal advice, refuse overnight access and let this waste of space organise going through the courts himself.

You just need to stay strong to take care of yourself and your children, you don't need this arsehole in your life anymore than necessary.

Obviously I’m just as bad for even allowing him to stay, I was just naive. But in one way at least I could monitor it that way.
But realistically he could just tell a judge I’m lying ? It’s his word against mine.
I do want it to be amicable I just feel like I’m going to get absolutely rail roaded by him

your never being UR if your thinking of your dd.so never ever back down just to please or ease his fustrations.as long as you are always acting on the best for her then everything is right.
he shouldnt mind taking it slowly to make sure hes ok with her.
he might take her for a few hours and its bliss and perfect.in that case you keep talking.but until you know its ok and safe for dd you have to act with complete caution.

If you went to court judge could order hair testing if he said you were lying

Court would be unlikely to order overnight before she was a year without a strong regular established relationship.

Best not to go to court if avoidable do you trust his mother ( and is she aware he uses ) that you could get her to manage contact

But realistically he could just tell a judge I’m lying ? It’s his word against mine.

Hair strand tests. Be warned, though, they’re not cheap.

the answer is a resounding NO.

tell him to take you to Court for access, if he's so inclined.

I hope you have CMS in place OP, for your DD.

His mum I don’t trust at all, she’s also had very minimal contact with DD since birth. But when I first found coke I did actually ring her because I was so shocked and upset. No doubt she’d deny this !
I just feel like the best thing to do is build up contact but his argument is I’m being daft because he’s lived with her- but he hasn’t done anything !
It just frustrates me. As a mother if I walked out and went to my dads for 7 weeks and barely saw my children 1. He would force me back out the door to face my problems 2. Everyone would think I was an awful mother for leaving my children. So why is it fine for dads ?!

You do not let him take her. You tell him that your happy to go to a contact centre but after finding he has used class A drugs you want assurances your child is safe in his care. He has never looked after the child in any environment other than your home and lacks interaction with dc in front of you. Tell him you would require a drug test before contact to ensure he has not been using the night before a visit etc. Clearly his spending his weekends partying. I hope you have contacted cms for maintenance payments.

DO NOT ALLOW OVERNIGHT ACCESS.

Please be very careful. I don’t know if he has a record for use of class A drugs, but even if he doesn’t and if someone reports him, you will fall under suspicion, you’ll both be reported to social services, and you’ll have to prove that you have nothing to do with that lifestyle. If he already has a record, this is somewhat moot, but either way, he WILL NOT be granted unsupervised overnight visitation with an infant.

Him leaving is absolutely for the best, before something did happen that could have cost you a SS investigation.

First of all, even if he was law-abiding, judges will not “force” any overnight access for the non-resident parent (him) before the age where WHO recommends you stop breastfeeding, which is age 2. Even then, it’s often argued that a child is much too young to be separated from his or her main caregiver at night time, and that doesn’t happen until age 3 or 4. But this all depends. Still, the “age 2” rule is the norm.

But if you know he uses class A drugs, you need to tell him he has to get a court order if he wants overnights with her, and if he does take you to court, you tell them you want mandated drug testing and you’re willing to submit to them yourself as you have nothing to hide.

If you want to get ahead of this, I would speak to a lawyer about how to report his drug usage in the best way to keep your children safe and away from him.

He doesn’t have a leg to stand on. And remember: he may be panicking not because he wants DD, but because he’s suddenly realized if he doesn’t have her 50/50, he has to pay maintenance. But he’s going to have to for the first few years anyway - he cannot simply take an infant from its mother because he doesn’t want to pay! (Other shit fathers have tried this unfortunately; disappeared for a while and then when CMS rings them, they suddenly want 50/50. Do not be afraid because no judge will simply hand a baby to them.)