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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to baby’s fathers demands ?

49 replies

Northmumof2 · 12/10/2019 17:54

It’s a difficult one, I realise I’m clouded by anger so I’d appreciate other people’s views.

I have a DS from previous relationship and DD with now ex partner.
7 weeks ago DD dad left, told me he wasn’t feeling the same. Was surprisingly amicable I was just understandably gutted. During this time he’s called round once a week to see DD, it hasn’t been planned just whenever he’s randomly text saying can I call round tonight and I’ve let him every time, usually got here about 6pm and DD went bed at 7. They’ve all been on week nights we haven’t seen him on a weekend.
He’s also throughout this time been telling me he’s still thinking etc - not sure if he was just saying that to try make me feel better but ?

My issue is now he’s messaged me saying he wants a plan for DD, insisting she goes over night, telling me she’s half his etc.
While I completely agree she is and I’ve no issue with him seeing her- I find it abit rich he thinks it’s fine to pick and choose ? Not once in 7 weeks has he offered any help nothing.
And I’m quite embarrassed to admit when he was here he did nothing, he’s never even got up with her in the night or the morning - the argument was I was on maternity and Sod’s law he left the week I started back at work.
He’s never even taken her out on his own. I will add he did leave me when I was pregnant and came back when she was 3 months, I don’t even know why I stayed in this relationship as 3 times when he was here and went out I found bags of coke. I’m guessing I was just blinded and I’m so ashamed of myself for putting up with it
I’m just sick of the inconsistency and now unsure what’s best for DD. In my eyes if you leave for 7 weeks without a care it’s abit shit, what do I suggest in terms of contact? Would you send her Over night straight away?
In short I don’t trust him, I’m well aware I have made a rod for my own back becagse I’ve always done everything for her, I should have buggered off out but I never did and now he’s clueless as to how to look after her

OP posts:

barnun · 12/10/2019 18:50

Also, she's not 'half his'. She's a person, not a TV FFS. No one owns her.

Came here to say the same! She’s not half his, or half yours for that matter. Contact is for HER benefit, not for him (or you) to take ownership of some property!

Glacecherrychops · 12/10/2019 18:52

So why is it fine for dads ?!

It's not fine. It's awful.
But people's expectations of men are less

quincejamplease · 12/10/2019 18:55

Your child can't stand up for herself, can't protect herself, can't defend her best interests.

You need to do that. You need to stand up to him. You need to act in her best interests, not what gives you the easiest out because he's pushy.

If you can't be assertive for yourself, that's down to you, but you have to be assertive for her.

You need to get legal advice.

june2007 · 12/10/2019 19:11

I would make an formal agreement of contact, and maintenance. Soyou both know where you stand but make it very clear that if you have any evidence. (not hearsay.) Of furher dealing with class A drugs then any arrangement is off.

Grambler · 12/10/2019 19:15

Is this about maintenance?

Original poster

Northmumof2 · 12/10/2019 19:21

Sorry I should have said, when he originally left I set up maintenance when DD was born, so he’s been paying that, I expect it’ll continue

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 12/10/2019 21:17

He's met another woman who has pointed out re maintenance and who he wants to impress. Tell him contact centre or in your home only until the baby is bigger and he's proven drug free.

Original poster

Northmumof2 · 12/10/2019 21:19

He definitely hasn’t met anyone else I don’t suspect that, just suspect he’s had a wobbler gone to his mums who gives him an easy life and now he gets to do as he pleases with no responsibilities

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 12/10/2019 21:30

Ignoring his DD for seven weeks is shitty but he is still her dad and, on this alone, he would still get contact with, eventual, overnights.

In any case, this is irrelevant given the massive problem of him being a drug user. Get legal advice because you need to keep your DD safe.

ncbaaybeee · 12/10/2019 22:04

I feel for you. Whatever happens - If / when he sees her, ask for a drugs test each time to show he is clean

SurvivingCBeebies · 12/10/2019 22:18

Just copying and pasting this from another post I wrote about the best interests of the child.

I can't find the UK version, but an explanation of of what is best for the baby is below which basically confirms the reasons and need for a primary attachment (which is normally mum: definitely if breastfeeding).

If parental separation occurs before birth or in the first years of a child’s life, special consideration is needed to ensure the continuity of a healthy primary attachment with the main care caregiver and minimising stress on the infant, together, where possible, with the safe building or maintenance of a warm, available relationship with the other parent. This can be done without overnight care.

Under the age of two years, overnight separations from the primary caregiver create unique stresses for the infant. In the majority of circumstances, non-essential overnight separations during these critical months of development are not advisable. Thus, in general, but always guided by the unique needs of each infant, prior to the age of two years, overnight time away from the primary caregiver is not recommended, unless unavoidable. Day times away from the primary caregiver should be kept to manageable periods of time, which can gradually increase as the infant matures and shows that he or she feels comfortable with this separation. Decisions need to take into account the ability of caregivers to recognise and respond to an infant or young child’s discomfort or stress.

After the age of two years, important developmental indices will help to predict the extent to which a young child can manage regular overnight time away from the primary carer. Most children would not be expected to have the developmental capacity to do all of these things adequately until at least three years.

Given that he hasn't even looked after her independently for a night when you were together, I wouldn't be happy doing overnights until your little one is much older

Weenurse · 12/10/2019 22:24

@SurvivingCBeebies gives good advice

Lowbrow · 12/10/2019 22:53

OP you are still being naive, he is irresponsible and had drugs in the house with your young son. Don’t talk about him building up contact and handing her to him for over night stays. Your daughter is only a baby and far too young to be given to someone overnight who she barely knows. She would be anxious wondering where you were.

You can’t believe that he is not still taking coke and leaving it in his home. You have to stand up to him and be your baby’s advocate. Let him take you to court.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 12/10/2019 22:54

I think overnight in a new or strange place at that age is too young. I thought the rule for babies was stay with their main caregiver overnight, the other parent sees them little and often (eg 2 hours a couple times a week and an afternoon) and then a plan is put together to build up slowly to overnights when they are around 2. If you have been on maternity leave and doing all overnights, bed times and wakings then you are definitely the main caregiver and it's not in her best interests to have a big change at that age she wont understand.

I found my daughter understood going to sleep at grandma's house at about 26 months and was happy with it. Before then she always woke up and her routine got all messed up, even when I was there

Sleepyhead19 · 12/10/2019 23:04

I think you need to think about how safe she is with him while on her own with him. If he was so stupid to bring drugs into the home, who is to say it won’t happen at his new place?
Also, she is just a little baby. She needs routine. How long is his access going to last? Is he going to get up in the night with her as you said he never has?
You have a right to deny access if you are concerned for her safety. He will then have to take you to court for access.

Thatagain · 13/10/2019 00:27

Do not let this destabilise your mind. You have to be direct to class A users. You have to be firm but polite to him.
DO NOT ALLOW UNSUPERVISED ACCESS TO THE BABY. Do not feel bad for haveing him back that will not be held against you. You need to be strong and there for both of your DCs
Good luck op

Original poster

Northmumof2 · 13/10/2019 06:50

Thanks everyone, we did attend a mediation session the first time he left. I’m under the understanding that if we’ve been to mediation you’re entitled to apply for a court order ? Is this something that’s worth me doing first.

OP posts:

Original poster

Northmumof2 · 13/10/2019 07:14

And is it normal to feel this sad ?
I didn’t feel this bad when he left, but now he’s issuing these demands I feel so so sad for DD

OP posts:

Dieu · 13/10/2019 07:30

He did nothing at the time because he got away with it. And still is, by the sound of it, as you are dancing to his tune. I would go see a lawyer, and get an access agreement written up and formalised. Otherwise you are going to have years of his flaky behaviour.
And please work on your standards and expectations for any future relationships.
Good luck

Original poster

Northmumof2 · 13/10/2019 08:30

Been researching and says I can’t apply for a court order unless mediation has taken place in the last 4 months- which it wasn’t.
What’s best to do now ?
Invite him to mediation?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 13/10/2019 08:44

Court won't give a shit about the drugs. They will just see it as tit for tat.

I would avoid court if you can. That way you're just likely to end up with a court order you have to stick to, while he does whatever the fuck he likes. If you keep trying to arrange verbally and stick with what you know is reasonable (and what you've suggested is fine) it's likely that he'll get bored after a while and just disappear, which is crap for DC but still better than being stuck having to make them available for court ordered contact he doesn't bother to turn up to.

If he doesn't feel the contact is reasonable he is welcome to suggest mediation/courts. If you don't feel safe arranging contact, I would suggest you do this yourself. But if you're happy to speak to him directly, I would just keep on as you're doing.

Bellringer · 13/10/2019 13:38

The only court order you want is to stop him harassing you and prevent him taking dd without your agreement. Contact centre if he persists. Let him take you to court, yes not sensibe

RolytheRhino · 13/10/2019 18:06

From what I understand, if you really dig your heels in no-one will do much at all. I've read on other threads that there are cases where the mums just refuse to budge and no one can realistically do anything about it because no court is going to drag a child from its primary care giver's arms to appease a man they don't know.

pikapikachu · 13/10/2019 18:17

You should suggest that he initiates mediation and the legal process. This is not only a test of how serious he is (as he'll have to pay) but also because you breaking the order is a serious offence but he can not turn up and nothing happens to him. The order would benefit him.

Secondly he'll have someone else say that overnight is unreasonable at her age so he can direct that anger at the judge/system rather than you.

Personally I think you're in the right to want to build it up. I'd be secretly hoping that a 4 hour stretch would have him desperate to bring her back and only ask for shorter visits in future (not because I'm a misandrist- because hopefully short visits means he's not high )

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