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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law coming over whenever she wants and not telling me ?

32 replies

TonightYoureAStar · 12/10/2019 16:34

Oh I don’t know what to think about this, it’s my MIL - a lovely lady but she’s starting to come over a bit too often - without letting me know. Now don’t get me wrong, it comes in handy when I need her to look after my DSs aged 6 and 4, but I’m not working at the moment so I don’t actually need her so I feel like im doing her a favour. I understand she might be lonely, or bored but she can be annoying - because she doesn’t eat anything other than chicken and potatoes (I’m a veggie) so it’s awkward when we have dinner as I feel I have to accommodate her, and ultimately it’s my house and I should feel free to cook what I want. Also she is now starting to text my mum and discuss with her when she’s coming over - again without letting me know so I have to then accommodate / deal with both of them - who are quick to tell me I’m being ‘precious’ when i complain AIBU ???

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 12/10/2019 16:35

She's out of order.

Cherrysoup · 12/10/2019 16:36

Tell (don’t ask) her to text when she wants to come and then be unavailable except for when you really want to see her. She might be getting into the habit as you’re not working. Be firm, say no. Why the bloody hell does she have your mum’s number? I just don’t understand why that would happen.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/10/2019 16:38

YANBU - how old is she?

HollowTalk · 12/10/2019 16:38

Why wouldn't her MIL have her mum's number? I would have thought that was pretty normal.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/10/2019 16:41

Tell them both to go to each others houses for visits and leave you alone for a while!

scaryteacher · 12/10/2019 16:41

Now don’t get me wrong, it comes in handy when I need her to look after my DSs aged 6 and 4, but I’m not working at the moment so I don’t actually need her so I feel like im doing her a favour.

Effectively then, come over when I need you for child care but fuck off back into your box otherwise.

Favours go both ways. She might not want to look after your kids when you need it, if you are shitty to her now.

frazzledasarock · 12/10/2019 16:45

If you’re veggie and she just turns up out of the blue I’d just cook whatever you fancy. Then tell her it was lovely seeing her you’re going to have lunch, byeee and usher her out the door.

Don’t open the door to her.

Open the door with your coat on tell her you’re off to see a friend and go out.

Start turning up at her house randomly and expect her to cater for you at short notice.

francienolan · 12/10/2019 17:00

The more she complains about being asked for boundaries the less I'd let her in the door.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I CERTAINLY wouldn't cook meat for a guest if I were. She can eat the food on offer or eat elsewhere!

drivingtofrance · 12/10/2019 17:03

Eh?

She can't just turn up uninvited and expect to be catered for.

I would not dream of calling on someone unannounced and expect them to drop everything.

You might have to be blunt here OP>

Bellringer · 12/10/2019 17:04

Just say no. Be busy, go out and don't let her in. Have a friend pop round with large dog or noisy toddler. Just say it's not convenient. Where is dh, should back you up

Bellringer · 12/10/2019 17:05

Leave them with the kids and go out for hours

Teddybear45 · 12/10/2019 17:07

Sounds like your mum and mil are both lonely and using you to plug in the gap. Suggest they both go for a coffee together somewhere.

No13 · 12/10/2019 17:20

She’s fine to look after your children when you need her though...

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 17:22

Lock your door.

adaline · 12/10/2019 17:24

Sounds like you only want her around when you need her for childcare, otherwise she's not welcome.

Why not have a set day every week or two when she comes over and you have coffee/cake so she can see her grandchildren?

PanamaPattie · 12/10/2019 17:24

Next time either one of them comes over, answer the door but don't let them in. Tell them that it not convenient for a visit right at this moment. Tell them to ring or text first. Repeat. Don't let them push past you, because they will try to come in. They are not respecting your boundaries. Calling you "precious" shows that they don't consider you or that your feelings don't count.

Davros · 12/10/2019 17:24

Presumably it's arranged properly when she provides childcare and she can say no

Windydaysuponus · 12/10/2019 17:26

The coat mn trick would be useful.Door knocks, coats on and tell her you are just off out. Shame she hadn't text....

Dancingbea · 12/10/2019 17:30

I always find these posts so depressing. You may well be that lonely MIL one day. Find a way to accommodate her once a week so you know when she is coming. Where is your DH? Can’t you have her for dinner once a week and as a guest make her the food she likes to eat? Also wtf with the PP who think it’s weird a mil would have your mum’s number? What kind of times are we living in???

frazzledasarock · 12/10/2019 17:33

What does the fact mil sometime babysit have anything to do with this?

Does this mean that if anyone ever babysits the parents are meant to accept any and all ridiculous behaviour?

Presumably the babysitting is arranged and agreed upon and op didn’t take her kids to MIL drop them at the front door with no prior warning and speed off in her car before MIL can object?

PanamaPattie · 12/10/2019 17:35

I don't know my DCs in-laws numbers. Why would I want to contact them? We're not that close. OP, apology for derail.

willowmelangell · 12/10/2019 17:40

Wow. No more special dinners. You are making it much too nice for her. Cup of tea and a sandwich. I bet she boasts to her friends about her lovely DIL who cooks her dinner x times a week.
And to make it worse, Mum is calling you precious when you complain. I just remembered a saying, "If you keep feeding a stray dog, it will keep coming back."
"MIL, nice to see you, it's vegetable soup tonight. I am off to the gym."
Is it the dc she wants to see or a meal she hasn't got to bother organizing?"

RetreatingWeasels · 12/10/2019 17:46

My MIL used to do this. I discovered years and years later that my DH would say to her it was OK to visit, and then not tell me. So as far as I was concerned the PILs were rudely arriving with no notice and expecting me to drop what I was doing, when in fact he had agreed it with them. They must have thought I was so rude Sad.

The very last time he did it I'd just gone back to work after Mat Leave and wasn't working Fridays. I'd take the baby to Toddler group in the morning, she'd fall asleep in the pushchair on the walk home and I could guarantee a good hour of peace.

Got home one Friday to find the ILs at home (with DH). They'd come to see DD. I said "oh I wish I'd known; she always has a good nap at this time and I've got a lot to be getting on with", and went off to do my jobs. DH said later he thought it was a good time as he knew I'd be home, and I told him in no uncertain terms that he had no right to plan my day off for me, and suggested that I'd make plans for his next day off... He didn't do it again.

Very long waffle to say is it possible that your DH has told MIL that as you're at home it's OK for her to drop in?

CatToddlerUprising · 12/10/2019 17:54

So it’s okay for your DM to come over unannounced but not your MIL? YABU to just blame your MIL

CalamityJune · 12/10/2019 17:54

Do you ever initiate to go over to hers without expecting childcare? Maybe she feels that as she is not needed currently that she won't see much of the children.

It's not nice to discard people when you no longer need them. Maybe see if she would like the children for an afternoon each week. You could even use the time to do something that's harder with DC around.