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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dial down friendship due to her son?

45 replies

LuvSmallDogs · 12/10/2019 16:23

Hi.

I've made really good friends with someone who has a 7 y/o DS (we'll call Ben) a year older than my eldest and lives nearby.

I like my friend, but Ben leaves me cold. I know, I know, everyone thinks their kids are angels compared to others. But I think there's something legit wrong with him. He is the most angry, shouty little boy.

He is aggressive and violent, both towards Friend and to other kids. Sometimes Friend admits there's a problem, other times she seems in denial over it, AFAIK she hasn't sought professional help. I've seen him punch his friend in the stomach viciously, and Friend didn't physically go over and intervene.

He doesn't do that to my kids, maybe because I'm always present and go to untangle tugs of war etc quite promptly, though he still kicks off over taking turns etc. He screams "liar" at people over any disagreement, says things like "I'll kill you".

One time I sat in Friend's car while she went to the bank, in the car was me, Ben and Holly, Friend's 3 y/o niece. Ben unstrapped to turn round and talk to me and Holly. Then he called her a "liar" over something and pinched her, saying he'd do it again if she didn't stop lying. I said "Oh no you won't, Ben" and moved away the hand he was reaching toward her. He got out of the car and tried to run (parked next to very busy road), I got out and grabbed him, I couldn't wrestle him into the car, so I kept hold of him and stood against it to watch Holly while he hit me. Friend came back just as I was about to call her.

Friend also told me she walked in to find him hurting their kitten, when asked why, he said "when she goes out after her jabs the big cats will get her so I have to toughen her up". That doesn't sound like something a 7y/o would come up with off their own back.

Is there a nice way to say "I don't want my kids near yours anymore due to his behaviour, also I think he needs professional help and may even be being abused"?

I feel bad, but I can't have my kids pick up his behaviour, I just can't.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 12/10/2019 16:32

I feel sorry for her, but I wouldn’t let my young child anywhere near hers, particularly as she’s doing nothing to stop him or change his behaviour.

Original poster
LuvSmallDogs · 12/10/2019 17:05

Cherrysoup, I do feel awful for her too, but I'm really frustrated. She doesn't follow through threats to withhold rewards. She has two older sons who are doing well for themselves and are lovely, she's trained to work with kids, she KNOWS there's something off. Yet she gets very defensive over her family being concerned, and deflects by pointing out bad behaviour in her nieces and nephews.

OP posts:
weltenbummler · 12/10/2019 17:06

YANBU ; share your concerns about Ben being potentially vulnerable, displaying behaviour that may reflect him possibly subjected to some sort of abuse / exposed to online content well beyond his age and requiring professional help but your main duty is to your own children, keeping them safe

KitKatCHA · 12/10/2019 17:18

This will be the end of the friendship either way, even if you withdraw nicely so I would consider laying all the issues on the table with regards to his behaviour. Maybe all she needs is somebody to be brutally honest so she can allow herself to admit there is a problem.

EileenAlanna · 12/10/2019 17:20

Hurting animals is one of the biggest warnings there is. He's a danger already to other children & animals & without professional intervention it's unlikely he'll become anything other than much, much worse.
What's causing his behaviour will probably only be discovered by a professional but he badly needs stopping. Are there any other family members who could broach this with her if you don't think she'd be receptive to you having the conversation? As a last resort I'd contact social services. It really seems too serious a thing to turn away from.
This link might give you some idea of starting points to work from. www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-conduct-disorder#1

MissLadyM · 12/10/2019 17:21

He sounds a nasty little bastard. Hurting animals is a huge red flag

CAG12 · 12/10/2019 17:21

What other people have said but also share youre concerns with RSPCA. That poor kitten.

ThinkingIsAllowed · 12/10/2019 17:21

YANBU

Windydaysuponus · 12/10/2019 17:22

Most serial killers start off taunting small animals....
Keep your dc safe.
Maybe adult only meet ups?

Littlefish · 12/10/2019 17:25

Can you continue to meet up with her, but without yours or her children being present?

GingersAreLush · 12/10/2019 17:30

YANBU and your friend is doing her son and everyone he comes into contact with no favours by pretending there’s nothing wrong here. I’m wondering if you could call NSPCC for advice? I could be wrong but I think there’s always a reason why a small child is behaving this way. Doesn’t have to be anything sinister but I’d worry it is.

HeadintheiClouds · 12/10/2019 17:36

Of course you need to distance yourself and your child.
Bad behaviour is one thing (but this kid’s behaviour sounds extreme and frankly sinister) but I will not tolerate parents who refuse to deal with it, or gloss over crap with a ridiculous “he’s just tired, bless him” or other such nonsense. Not any more.

Teddybear45 · 12/10/2019 17:38

Honestly protect your child. Ghost your friend if it makes it easier but don’t see her again.

Chunkers · 12/10/2019 17:43

I agree with KitKatCHA. Be brutally honest. She might huff off, but at least you will have done your best. Think of the poor little 3yo niece too.

holidays987 · 12/10/2019 17:48

I'd have to say something. That you're worried about the angry, violent behaviour and that unfortunately you don't want to expose your children to it. You also find it tough to witness. The mother might be in denial about how bad the situation/ his behaviour is.

I also thought that is sounds like he could be being abused. But with no evidence of any kind I doubt SS would even investigate.

Beautiful3 · 12/10/2019 18:06

Hurting animals is a massive red flag to becoming a serial killer. Put your children first. Explain to your friend that you're worried about his aggressive behaviour towards yourself and the children. She needs to seek professional help.

Josette77 · 12/10/2019 18:09

Report the animal abuse and lay it all out with her.

CruCru · 12/10/2019 18:11

You are a parent first. Yes, it’s time to start avoiding this friend.

Original poster
LuvSmallDogs · 12/10/2019 18:24

Yes, we can and do meet up sans kids. But because we're on the same estate and have kids similar ages she's really sold on the idea of them sort of "growing up together". I keep making excuses lately why we can't, but being on the same estate you can't pretend to be out when you're not, IYSWIM.

I know she'll be upset and maybe mad. I know his dad used to get very angry with Friend, and even violent. I wonder what he's seeing at his house.Sad

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 12/10/2019 18:27

He sounds worrying.
What he said about the cat is not normal of a child of that age.
Something is going on and he does need help. I have no answer.

Hopoindown31 · 12/10/2019 18:58

It's not her son though it is her that you have the problem with. Her permissive parenting style is allowing this little boy to develop into a violent thug. I wouldn't have anything to do with her either and I've cooled off similar friendships with people who don't tackle their children's violent behaviour.

CAG12 · 12/10/2019 19:00

Have you read We Need To Talk About Kevin ?

Read it and you'll know the answer to this yourself.

Also maybe buy the book for her

Its a true story

Original poster
LuvSmallDogs · 12/10/2019 19:02

Hopoindown, she has put him in time out since he was little, but has given up as it doesn't seem to work anymore. I don't know if her permissiveness has made him this way, or if she's just given up to be honest. He completely rules the roost, yet her adult sons are fine?

OP posts:
Original poster
LuvSmallDogs · 12/10/2019 19:05

Amyfi, Christ, and I thought I was being mean when I thought to myself he'll end up inside one day.Sad

OP posts: