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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dial down friendship due to her son?

45 replies

LuvSmallDogs · 12/10/2019 16:23

Hi.

I've made really good friends with someone who has a 7 y/o DS (we'll call Ben) a year older than my eldest and lives nearby.

I like my friend, but Ben leaves me cold. I know, I know, everyone thinks their kids are angels compared to others. But I think there's something legit wrong with him. He is the most angry, shouty little boy.

He is aggressive and violent, both towards Friend and to other kids. Sometimes Friend admits there's a problem, other times she seems in denial over it, AFAIK she hasn't sought professional help. I've seen him punch his friend in the stomach viciously, and Friend didn't physically go over and intervene.

He doesn't do that to my kids, maybe because I'm always present and go to untangle tugs of war etc quite promptly, though he still kicks off over taking turns etc. He screams "liar" at people over any disagreement, says things like "I'll kill you".

One time I sat in Friend's car while she went to the bank, in the car was me, Ben and Holly, Friend's 3 y/o niece. Ben unstrapped to turn round and talk to me and Holly. Then he called her a "liar" over something and pinched her, saying he'd do it again if she didn't stop lying. I said "Oh no you won't, Ben" and moved away the hand he was reaching toward her. He got out of the car and tried to run (parked next to very busy road), I got out and grabbed him, I couldn't wrestle him into the car, so I kept hold of him and stood against it to watch Holly while he hit me. Friend came back just as I was about to call her.

Friend also told me she walked in to find him hurting their kitten, when asked why, he said "when she goes out after her jabs the big cats will get her so I have to toughen her up". That doesn't sound like something a 7y/o would come up with off their own back.

Is there a nice way to say "I don't want my kids near yours anymore due to his behaviour, also I think he needs professional help and may even be being abused"?

I feel bad, but I can't have my kids pick up his behaviour, I just can't.

OP posts:

Dustybun · 12/10/2019 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShinyGiratina · 12/10/2019 19:11

It sounds like there are underlying problems and she doesn't really know how to deal with it, particularly as she works with children and has sucessfully parented older children.

That extent of violence and harming an animal is worrying, especially as there is history with the father.

It is worth reporting his behaviour on. It may help to get her access to support she needs. She sounds scared of her 7 year old which is not a good thing for either of them.

Original poster

LuvSmallDogs · 12/10/2019 19:27

ShinyGiratina, but who to? Will SS be concerned when at his mum's (don't know about the dad's at all) he lives in a spotless house with no shortage of affection/healthcare/clean clothes? His last school report was glowing, he seems able to behave there.

OP posts:

Josette77 · 12/10/2019 19:43

Please report to the rspca. Will you do that?

C0untDucku1a · 12/10/2019 19:48

That sentence about toughening up the kitten makes me think someone has said the same to the boy.

iano · 12/10/2019 20:11

Tbh it sounds like this little boy needs help fast. The things he's saying sound learned (toughening the cat up). I'd be very concerned about what he's experiencing at home. Call social services and explain that you are concerned about him. Perhaps they will follow up.

lyralalala · 12/10/2019 20:17

That sentence about toughening up the kitten makes me think someone has said the same to the boy.

This.

What you said about his Dad combined with his wording toward the kitten, and the fact he goes for smaller children as well, would make me concerned that something is happening to him.

I'd be calling social services.

Original poster

LuvSmallDogs · 13/10/2019 11:48

Update.

I've reached out to Holly's mum with my concerns. She messaged back that she shares my concerns, and like me has gently dropped seeing a professional into conversations, said it's not normal. She advised me to stop taking the kids round, and be honest about why, as she's done the same with Holly. She said she's going to think about how to have a blunter talk with Friend.

I don't think Friend is a bad mum, I think a parenting style that has raised two smart, kind young adults isn't working and she's now overwhelmed and ashamed/in denial over how bad things are.

Ben may be a "nasty little bastard", but he's also six and deeply unhappy and doesn't deserve to be this way.

OP posts:

Original poster

LuvSmallDogs · 13/10/2019 11:54

Ben has either brain imbalance or has experienced some awful things to be this way. I haven't typed here everything I've witnessed as Id be here all day and you only need enough to get the gist really.

Suffice to say, I've been round families both more permissive and more strict than Friend and seen all types of weird kid behaviour, my own are not angels, and this to me is really out there.

OP posts:

LoadOfOldTosh · 13/10/2019 12:11

OP please report the abuse of the kitten to the RSPCA. You're dealing with the issues regarding the children but please don't forget the innocent little kitten who also needs help.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/10/2019 12:22

YANBU.
One thing I will say though. I certainly don’t think mines and angel compared to others.
She’s got her faults, she’s human

mankyfourthtoe · 13/10/2019 12:31

Poor kid. If she's not a disaster as a parent then something really is going wrong with that little boy.
Maybe include the line that he's only little and you have to give him a chance to get help whilst he's still young.

Waveysnail · 13/10/2019 12:40

Children are mirrors. If he has seen or heard his dad being violent to mum that where this could be coming from. He could also have special needs added into this like adhd or autism.

Very unhelpful for people to use the term psychopath. I'd sit down with friend and have a heart to heart about how much her son is struggling. The boy needs help.not labelling as a psycho

Waveysnail · 13/10/2019 12:42

Friend may have breezed through parenting kids without a condition but sen kids are a while different ball game never mind those.who have witnessed or experienced abuse

iano · 14/10/2019 08:41

But mum might not be the issue here so talking to her may not be a solution. At least report your concerns to the school.

ToelessPobble · 14/10/2019 08:58

Can we please stop labelling a 6.5 year old a psychopath. Yes research does show a link but that does not mean all children who hurt an animal are one. Some children re-enact what they are experiencing or have witnessed as a way of trying to make sense of what they are experiencing. The behaviours all do indicate a potentially very traumatised insecure little boy in desperate need of help. I say potentially as I am not going to diagnose him as nobody can do that over the internet. I agree you need to keep your children safe and, as hard as it is, will need to have that conversation about how your children feel when they get hurt, but reiterate you want to be friends and meet up, just without the children. Well done on getting her mum involved x

Interestedwoman · 14/10/2019 09:56

YANBU. There is something wrong with him (antisocial behavious/condict disorder or something.) Your friend is in denial.

I think you need to find subtle ways to encourage her to get him assessed and helped.

Maybe his school will eventually intervene.

Anyway, best wishes xxxx

lisag1969 · 14/10/2019 10:11

Please please. Report this to social services and Rspca.
Before this child seriously hurts or even kills someone.
As many people have said these are classic signs of people who go on to kill.
You will feel better if you prevent this from ever happening.

fargo123 · 15/10/2019 07:06

I've seen him punch his friend in the stomach viciously, and Friend didn't physically go over and intervene.

For this reason alone I'd have dropped her like a hot potato. There is zero excuse for sitting on your arse when your child is being a little thug.

Add in everything else you've witnessed/mentioned here, and I'd cut her off anyway. This child is dangerous and you need to protect your own children (and possibly yourself as he gets bigger and stronger) by staying right away from this family.

Even her own sister or sister-in-law is telling you to stay away, so it's obvious this is a very serious problem. Heed her advice.

Dieu · 15/10/2019 07:15

My God, he's a psycho in the making.
YANBU. But you MUST point out to your friend that he needs help and serious intervention. As an aside, what's the daft cow thinking, bringing a poor animal into the equation? Surely even she must have known that it wasn't going to end in sunshine and roses. She needs to get her head out her arse. And quick.

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