To not know what to do - partner away in the Forces **title edited by MNHQ**

[Quantumakeo]

I used to have an account but I deleted it but I've signed up again.

Been with partner for 2 years. He's in the army. He's been deployed for 5 months and there's 4 months left before he comes back. We don't communicate much and it's a dangerous place. He won't be back for Christmas. I'm just upset and wish he could come back now 😢.

I don't know what I want from this post. Maybe advice if you have it. Just want to write it down.

Will it always be that way or will there be shorter stints? What happens once you are married? Kids?

I did long distance before. It's difficult.

He does short Stints aswell. This is the first long stint he's done whilst I've been with him 😞.

That sounds really difficult op. Of course yanbu to feel like that.

What's the long-term prospect wrt to hik being around more? Could you move to he with him if he was deployed somewhere relatively safer?

I think if you had put the topic as 'partner away in the forces' or something along those lines, you may have had responses from those in similar circumstances.

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

But its part of the job, and it isnt going to get better (im in the army). My partner is also in the army.

Probably develop some coping mechanisms like hobbies/visit friends etc etc. It wont make you miss him less but itll stop you mooching around the house being miserable

Its hard OP and lonely.The only thing you can do is build a successful life that runs parallel to your relationship.I do feel for you.It is a hard life when your loved one is away for months on end.Maybe when your partner is home on leave he could arrange for you to meet some of his colleagues partners? It might be a way of you making new friends and learning from them effective coping stratergies too.

I probably could go with him if it was safer. I just miss him and we hardly communicate. He said he would be able to call today but he messaged today saying he can't.

I am a Navy daughter, sister, wife and aunt (and dil), so have been doing this, or watching people cope with it, for all of my life. I'm 53, so have experience!

It isn't easy. You need as a pp said, to get your life sorted, so work, hobbies, night out, nights in, enjoying having the remote/the bed/the kitchen to yourself. Eat your favourite things, do what you want to do when you feel like doing it. Cook/don't cook..you get the picture.

Even after lots of years, I still had down days when I missed dh, but you have to deal with it, wallow in the bath with a mug of tea/glass of wine, eat chocolate, and get on with it.

Communication can be sporadic (or non existent when they are submariners and dived!), so you learn to be pleased when they do call, or you get an unexpected email or letter; and not put out when it doesn't happen.

You might want to do some thinking about if you want to do this long term. I knew what I was getting into when I married an RN Officer, as my Dad was one, so knew all about them being away, but it was still hard. You have to be resilient and able to cope on your own a lot of the time, and appreciate the fact that the job will come first, second and third. 24/7, 365, means what it says!

I do have a friend who's one of his colleagues partners and she says how she talks to her partner alot and I hardly talk to partner.

I do go out with friends occasionally.

Hi are you MU?

There is a FB group I can direct you to if so?

And lots of other FB groups?

Sorry, what is MU?

What do you mean you could go with him if it was safer? He has been deployed, you can't just "tag along"

I am not sure what you are getting at here OP. Do you think he doesn't want to talk to you?

I don't know if he wants to talk to me or not as he said he would be able to call today but he messaged saying he can't.

Have you not seen him at all in last 5 months? DS is in army & had 2.5 weeks home from deployment after first 3 or 4 months. I could go visit him, actually, but it's a bit of a swampy dull place.

Hi OP, it depends where he is and what he is doing. My BIL sometimes has long stints away with the armed forces. Sometimes he can chat to his wife daily, other times he's unable to talk for weeks because of operations. Are you able to link up with any military partners/ families nearby? It's tough and it's good to be with people who understand what you are going through.

It sounds like you’re worried about his commitment to you, understandably, especially given what your friend has said. Maybe you need to be very straight with him & ask what’s going on that his Nate speaks to his partner a lot but he hardly ever speaks to you.

It’s not worth waiting around for someone who’s going to treat you like crap whether they’re deployed or not.

((Hug))

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My DH is ex-Forces. He was deployed during my first pregnancy for 6 months. It was absolutely awful. The only advice I have is to keep busy - fill your days with distractions. It's the only way to make the time go faster.

Put effort in to his Christmas package, lots of little things that will make him smile. I sent a tiny tree and decorations, small presents he could use. Add extras for those who won't get a Christmas package from home. Knowing you're thinking of him will mean a lot. My DH missed Christmas and Easter, each time I filled packages with things he could share. He loved playing Santa and the Easter bunny! Knowing I'd made him (and others!) smile was well worth the effort.

And write letters. Lots of letters. Tell him about your day, random thoughts, things you've seen that made you think of him. It doesn't have to be deep and meaningful to be appreciated.

As for the "doesn't want to talk" maybe he's busy or tired, or compartmentalising. It's not an easy task being so far away from home and facing goodness knows what. He might be the head down and focus kind. It's not personal although it feels that way. If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me. I've been in your shoes. I know it absolutely sucks.

That's forces life I'm afraid OP. Things rarely go to plan.
However, being as he is deployed for such a length of time he should have R&R.
I've had it all my married life and will continue to do so until he leaves next year.
You just learn to get on with it, our second born was almost 4 months old before he even saw him.
No, you can't just tag along if he's on ops, otherwise I would have been the first on the hercs to Belize and similar 😂
You need to get on with your own life, see friends, take up a hobby etc and stop pining after your boyfriend.

Absolutely agree with Craigslang. Keep busy. Really busy. Write letters.
Do lots of sport/exercise so you're knackered and sleep well.
My dh used to call once a fortnight if I was lucky. And then we'd struggle to think of what to say. But here we are, 22 years in.
It's something to get through and don't judge his behaviour on civvie standards, you'll probably never know why he can't call.
As long as he's everything you want when he's home, the tours are just something to get through.
There's nothing in this world as fabulous as seeing your love safely returned from a long tour.

I used to write one letter a week, but add something each day. I'd mark the letters #1 etc, so he knew the order in which to read them. I'd post them the week before he was due home, so he had time when the mail got on board to get up to speed with what had been going on at home before he got off the boat. No mail was delivered til the boat was surfaced and doing customs clearance etc and debriefs before coming alongside, so sending them sooner would have made no difference.

Are you living on the patch or off? Lots of good support from other partners if you look in the NAAFI/hive etc.

MU = Married Unaccompanied.

Is he on deployment or posted elsewhere. Generally you can't just rock up on a deployment. Comms can be sketchy on deployments. They are deployed to do a job and sometimes the job grows/changes and some times they are just too busy to call/text/message. Some times comms are restricted or forbidden for short periods of time. You won't always get told this is the case nor how long for and although this is much more common in fully operational areas, it can happen for a variety of reasons in more relaxed places too.

Just because your friend has better comms than you it does not necessarily mean your dh/do has them too. Although it could be he does but is just too tired/detached to bother.

The nature of the job is that spouses/family/partners are well down the pecking order and the Forced always will come first. They don't have a choice, it's what they signed up for, yo follow orders mo matter what.

It's harsh and it's tough at done point during a 9 month deployment he should get done r and r. Has he discussed this with you? Does he have plans to come home for it or meet you somewhere? Sometimes you can join them (depending on thier depmoyment) for a few days. R and r can be cancelled last minute too which is tough going on both of you.

You could try sending him a welfare package. That may prompt him to get in touch/realise what he's missing. Sometimes the distance, work commitment, tiredness stess and ladish environment can imoa6ct them resulting in them keeping thier distance a bit.

For me as a wife of...I have 2 lives. 1 when he's home and 1 when he's away. Sometimes I find it a chore to always reply/message. Sometimes he gets in touch when I'm about to go to work, go to bed after a shitty long day, I'm actually out with a friend etc etc. It can be the same for them too.

This is the way it is when you are in a relationship with someone in the army. Best thing to do is concentrate on building a great and fun life for yourself.

He was deployed last month for 5 months and there's 4 months left. So when he comes back in late January/early February i wouldn't have seen him for 5 months.

I know he's probably tired or busy but I just wish we could talk more.

No he doesn't have R&R

I think what OP means is that he’s deployed at the moment but if he was just posted, she could go with him. Not go with him on deployment.

OP, get on Facebook and join some of the wives and girlfriends (forces WAGS) groups. Are you living on the patch? It sounds like you’re not because you sound so isolated but not in an ‘I’ve not met anyone yet’ way. I can’t tell you how much better it feels knowing you’re not the only one going through it even if you’re not neighbours with the other people. I’ve found online support invaluable.

RAF wife.
Married unaccompanied.