To not know what to do - partner away in the Forces **title edited by MNHQ**

[Quantumakeo]

I used to have an account but I deleted it but I've signed up again.

Been with partner for 2 years. He's in the army. He's been deployed for 5 months and there's 4 months left before he comes back. We don't communicate much and it's a dangerous place. He won't be back for Christmas. I'm just upset and wish he could come back now 😢.

I don't know what I want from this post. Maybe advice if you have it. Just want to write it down.

No I'm not living on the patch.

I’m a military wife too. My DH has been away a few times. It is hard but you get used to it and you just cope. The first week and the last week are always the worst for me. Keep yourself busy, don’t just be waiting for the next phone call.

Are you in the UK? 9 months is a long deployment with no leave. Is he not getting home at all? There is support available from their home base for spouses/families, look into that.

You mentioned ‘if it was safer I could go with him’. That’s not strictly true. You can’t go along on a deployment, no matter how safe it is. You can move with him to his next posting though. I assume you’re not married?

I was an army wife, and I'm also an ex pad bratt. It is really hard. Deep breath girl. Get out and socialise. Throw yourself into a project, or get a new hobby. It's not easy, but you'll get there.

He hasn't been deployed for 9 months. Last month he was deployed for 5 months and there's 4 months left.

Ah so he's been gone a month.

It sounds really hard and I'd also recommend to join Facebook groups for other military wives. Just speaking to likeminded people can help.

I am an army wife of 12 years. There's a fb page called UKforceswags that you may find helpful.

I struggled with being apart in the early days. My DH did 3 Afghan deployments between our daughter being born and the age of 7. It's hard!

He still away a lot on courses and exercises, we moved 6 weeks ago and he has been away for 3 of those.

My advice would be to make a life for you self that includes him but is not reliant on him. Keep busy, see friends, do hobbies. The worst thing you can do is sit around missing him.

My husband was a submariner for 22 years and our son is in the army and also away for long deployments. One year my DH was only home for 8 weeks out of 52 but you will cope.. I echo what others have said. Keep busy. Write old fashioned letters that explain what you are doing daily. Mine was equally useless at talking on the phone and still is ...but letters can be read again and again. Or perhaps emails if he can receive and send. Make plans to meet up with friends at weekends as Saturdays and Sundays are the hardest. Join a gym and enjoy the exercise as a way of releasing your frustration.Look at your own career. I worked hard at mine so I had something else to focus upon and when DH left the Navy it was my career that kept us going while he had a difficult transition into civilian life. Above all don't waste your life waiting for calls etc enjoy the times together but also enjoy being independent.

The way you worded it initially read that he was away for 9 months and had been away for 5, hence my R&R question.
Me and my husband met when we both first joined during training, ( RAF ) I came out after 7 years to start a,family, he is still in, as I said, he leaves next year and will have completed just over 38 years of service when he does.
Just keep busy. Join groups. Do you work? I always worked where possible and that helped a lot.
As others have said, comms can be patchy when in theatre or deployed, it's not unusual to go a couple of weeks without a phone call or a bluey. Much of it also depends on their trade too as to how busy they are.
We always chose to live off patch too where possible, however, if you're feeling out of it when he's away then moving into MQ may be more suitable for you as you might feel less isolated if you are around others who are in the same position and who can offer support and friendship while he is away.

Thank you for your replies.

I work and I will try and take up a new hobby

YANBU but you'll have to decide whether it's the life for you.

I was brought up in an Army family, I didn't see my dad properly for about the first 6 years of my life and my mum was basically a single parent. It's a hard and lovely life sometimes.

My DH is ex military too. I had it for 26 years.

You need to make plans for between now and christmas so that you have things to look forward to every week. As PPs said, the key is to keep yourself busy.
Write down anything important you need to tell them on the phone, but don't waste those precious minutes moaning about trivial stuff. Save that for letters if you really need to tell them.

I don't know if it's the life for me as I do love him but I wish I could see him more.

OP,

It is hard. As others have said, it's all about making the best of it really. Some online groups may prove quite therapeutic, if you like that sort of thing. It can be nice to be able to talk to other people experiencing the same things, at the same time.

But it's also ok to have a wobbly day and feel utterly dejected about missing someone on a deployment and feeling alone and isolated. As long as you don't let it consume you and can talk it through and feel brighter. You don't always need to be jollied along, whwnever you mention feeling down.

You do need to try and work out if it is a life you can cope with. Deployments will never not be a thing and plans will always be at risk of being cancelled.
Can you see yourself moving in to married quarters, but potentially having to move frequently. Is what you do for work flexible enough to support that, or would you be prepared to do any old job, at each posting? Or can you see yourself continuing to live apart, if you don't wish to accompany your partner?
There's no shame in it not being for you.

Yes I think my job is flexible to do that