Resentful of husband travelling for work..

[Jadefeather7]

DH is travelling for work for a month. I’ve got a six month old. Finding being home and taking care of a baby all day really relentless and boring. Don’t have many friends and those that I do have are busy with work and their own lives so only see them occasionally. My family are busy with their own things but will see my parents once a week. I go to baby groups but haven’t really made any mum friends to socialise with outside the groups. The weather is shit so I can’t even go out much.

DH left for his work trip on Thursday (just in time for the weekend!) and sent me pics from a club that he was at last night. I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have flown out on Sunday (which is what I would always do when I travelled for work). I know if I get into he will just give me some story about how he needs to be there for work (which I will find hard to believe). I just feel really annoyed that men get to carry on with their lives as before.

Doesn’t help that the place he’s at is very flashy and everyone is very glamorous. A far cry from my life at the moment!

We have other issues in our marriage too like the fact that we have been together for ages and things have gone stale and that I have self esteem and trust issues because of how he behaved in the early days of our relationship. We talk about our issues sometimes but nothing ever changes.

Right now I feel really irritated that he’s enjoying himself whilst I’m stuck here.

YANBU...sometimes I feel resentful towards my DP for just breathing too loudly while he's asleep and I am BFing! Sometimes you feel like you lose yourself a bit after having a baby and all you do is take care of other people. A picture of a glamorous club while you're stuck at home (probably with baby sick in you!) does not help that! I can completely see why you feel like this.

Totally understandable. I’d be talking to him about being sensitive with the sorts of pictures he’s sending you when he must know it’s hard for you being at home.

I found it much easier being a single mum. There was nobody else to consider but me and the baby.
I was technically still married then but he didn't live with me and we got divorced a bit further down the lane.
It's all too easy to feel resentful and angry with them unless they are a really hands on father.

@purpledaisies Not sure I would want him to censor himself. If it was a work thing I’d probably feel a little envious but get over it. He was out clubbing with a friend though.

My husband travels a lot and would always ensure he was away the minimum amount of time. I think it's a serious problem if he has deliberately added a weekend of fun on to a work trip while you are alone with a six month old

Maternity leave is tough and I desperately loved the weekends when I wasn't parenting alone.

If your marriage isn't great however is it possible it might break down ? In which case you need a sustainable way to survive without him at all.

Personally by six months I was so happy to start working part time. It meant I enjoyed my parenting time much more.

I would make it a red line that he stopped using work trips for anything other than essential time away and then I'd look to alsi improve my own time perhaps by returning to work.

I'm glad it's not just me that finds being at home with a baby boring, I've told a few people that I'm struggling being at home all day and they look at me like I have two heads.
Dp works away Monday to Friday and I think it's making the days so much longer. If he was home in the mornings or the evenings it would really help to shorten the days.
I really don't have advice for you because I completely understand you can only visit the same people so many times. And if you take baby out too much then he is losing his routine.
This week I actually messaged old friends that I haven't spoken to for years to try and catch up and it's been nice having a bit more adult conversation and I've arranged to meet one for lunch.

@waterrat I know. I thought it would go without saying that time away needs to be minimised. He will have some reason for why he needed to go away in time for the weekend. I’m not sure I will believe it though. This came up once before (before we had a baby) and he told me that in this country that he was travelling to people socialise with colleagues and clients on the weekend. I struggled to believe that. Sometimes I feel like he’s lying to me. Sometimes I think it’s my own insecurities that make me think this way. I don’t know where this marriage is headed. I think I will probably end up sticking it out for various reasons. I can’t see our issues being resolved though.

@Whatstodo2019 I know, not everyone understands. I love my baby but I find it really tough. I need to take the full year though as there’s too much going on at my work right now which would make it stressful return at this point in time.

The picture is very insensitive and I would feel rubbing it in a bit. I sometimes have to work away from home (never for a month though) but I make sure I’m away for the minimum amount of time and don’t tag extra weekends on.

@pinkypurple35 Really? Would you think it’s ok to mention where he is but not send a pic? I don’t mind the pic. I just think he shouldn’t have been there. He should have been with me and the baby. If he was actually in the office working hard I would have been ok with him going on a weekend

He is being shit. My husband travels for work though not as much as yours. He has a meeting in another country on a friday in a few weeks and they are having a local festival celebration on the evening that he was invited to. He just said he would definitely be there for the meeting but would catch the first available flight back after as he had young kids and activities he does with them on a Saturday morning that he didnt want to miss. It's not impossible!

And clubbing with a friend- not colleagues. To be honest I'm not sure what culture socialised with work on a weekend (I know some corporate entertainment here happens on a weekend but again it's not usually compulsory) but presumably he works for a UK company with UK bosses and wouldn't cause him any career issues if he said 'I'm away for a month, I've got 3 weekends to socialise with the clients, so I'll be flying out first thing monday or last thing Sunday to spend time with my family'.

It does sound to me like he is taking the piss. I dont think a good and empathetic partner would choose to go in a jolly for a weekend just before they have to leave their struggling partner and young baby at home for a whole month, or send photos of how much fun he was having.

If you've spoken before and nothing has changed I'd suggest counselling to him or think about leaving

@GettingABitDesperateNow Yeah, I know he didn’t have a meeting on a Friday but if I ask about it I reckon he will say they had to prep for meetings that start on Monday. It’s possible I guess but I think if you’re going clubbing with friends until 3am and waking up at midday the next day you’re clearly not that stressed out with work. I’ve worked in a high pressured environment and when we have lots on like he claims he does then we just want to crash after a long day not go out partying.

I'd be upset about this. It seems very underhand. If he wanted to have a weekend away having fun then he should have been upfront about it. Also he shouldn't be adding it on to a work trip because it means he's away from his family for such a long time.

I'd just stop expecting him to do the right thing off his own back because he clearly won't. I would set out my expectations very clearly and he isn't able to meet them then I'd start thinking about separating. You can't have him pissing about like this when you have a 6 month old baby to look after. Being a single parent is easier than being in an unhappy marriage where the other parent doesn't pull their weight.

YABU.
Just because you're bored, he should entertain you?
Can't you return to work yourself or get a hobby?

Have any of you thought he might have needed to be there? I know my boss wouldn't approve several nights of additional hotel accommodation just so I could have a good time the weekend before.

Will you be going back to work after mat leave? You need to ensure your job has just as much priority as his does.

If yours requires time away, he'll need to be prepared to cover it just as you have for his job.

You have my sympathy regarding the isolation and sheer monotony of looking after a small baby alone. When DD was 10 weeks old my DH was deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months, so granted he wasn’t exactly living it up with a party lifestyle!

All I will say is try to distract yourself: get out of the house every day, go to baby groups, the park, a walk around the shops, anything to force you to leave the house and stop you staring at the same four walls.

Is there a Children’s Centre near you? They often have daily groups going on that you can join in with.

@Hopoindown31 His boss is a really good friend who lets him do as he pleases pretty much.

@LannieDuck Yes, is I will be going back. My earning potential in the future is not as high as his so I don’t know how much I will be able to prioritise my career. My work only involves the occasional trip abroad and they are usually only for 2-3 days so it’s not as much of an issue.

I live in a country where it's the norm to go back to work at 13 weeks. My marriage was shot and when it broke down I was so grateful that I'd kept working as I still had proper adult relationships going. Obviously my family where all in other countries so only saw them twice a year. I'm afraid I'd say head back to work with a view to being able to leave more easily.

@Wallywobbles There’s no way I’m not going back to work. It’s just about doing it at the right time i.e. in a few months.

Sometimes I don’t know if the issues we have are “enough” to leave him. We get on ok day to day and in general he’s not a bad husband and father (admittedly I feel that going away for the weekend is a bit shitty of him). I feel like I’m in this perpetual sense of denial where I bury what I feel about our marriage really well. Something happens and it all comes to the surface. We talk about it, discuss counselling etc and then everything goes back to normal again until the next time.

Can I be a possible ray of light? My DH and I both have quite demanding careers that require us to travel. I did WFH until my DS was 13 months, then returned at 60% until he was 2. Then I got a promotion to a job that required significant travel. We had a rule, whoever booked travel first went on their business trip. The other had to explain that they could not travel as spouse was travelling. It worked - we had a great au pair btw.

So, where you are now is not forever. Regardless of the odd club or great night out on expenses, business travel is a drag. The alternative for your DH is of course to sit in a hotel room and have room service. That is miserable no matter how many stars the hotel has.

DH is travelling for work for a month. I’ve got a six month old. Finding being home and taking care of a baby all day really relentless and boring

I mean this in a kind way, just trying to understand. Did you not anticipate that this is the kind of life you’d be living post baby?

@SprinkleDash I don’t expect him to not travel for work. I expect him to try to minimise the time out there to the extent that is possible and not be adding in weekends on partying, particularly as he knows I’m struggling. When he’s out partying in the middle of a trip I don’t have an issue. Obviously he needs to pass the time on the weekends if he’s not working then. His meetings start on Monday and he left on Thursday, that’s what I’m not happy about.

What is the time difference and how long was the flight?

@reasonablesettlement 3 hours diff and 7 hour flight. He’s done it before where he’s gone the night before and been fine. I’ve travelled to west coast USA on Sundays plenty of times for Monday morning meetings. It’s perfectly doable.