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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Resentful of husband travelling for work..

50 replies

Jadefeather7 · 12/10/2019 11:07

DH is travelling for work for a month. I’ve got a six month old. Finding being home and taking care of a baby all day really relentless and boring. Don’t have many friends and those that I do have are busy with work and their own lives so only see them occasionally. My family are busy with their own things but will see my parents once a week. I go to baby groups but haven’t really made any mum friends to socialise with outside the groups. The weather is shit so I can’t even go out much.

DH left for his work trip on Thursday (just in time for the weekend!) and sent me pics from a club that he was at last night. I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have flown out on Sunday (which is what I would always do when I travelled for work). I know if I get into he will just give me some story about how he needs to be there for work (which I will find hard to believe). I just feel really annoyed that men get to carry on with their lives as before.

Doesn’t help that the place he’s at is very flashy and everyone is very glamorous. A far cry from my life at the moment!

We have other issues in our marriage too like the fact that we have been together for ages and things have gone stale and that I have self esteem and trust issues because of how he behaved in the early days of our relationship. We talk about our issues sometimes but nothing ever changes.

Right now I feel really irritated that he’s enjoying himself whilst I’m stuck here.

OP posts:

BubblesBuddy · 12/10/2019 15:54

I hate to say this, but some people do this deliberately. They don’t want to look after their DC. In this case, he wants you to do it and, as you are not juggling your work commitments, he sees this as the ideal time.

When you go back to work, the shit will hit the fan because he will see his career and job as more important than yours. I could write a book on this. You will be doing your job, sorting out childcare, taking DC to childcare, picking up and doing everything else. Having it all means doing it all when you have a DH like this. Some men don’t engage with families and see themselves and their careers as above family involvement. I think his behaviour will just continue!

Teddybear45 · 12/10/2019 15:58

Go back to work full time and go halves on childcare. If you hate being at home that much you can change if.

MinnieMountain · 12/10/2019 15:58

YANBU.

I've never had to travel for work but DH will automatically try to minimise the amount of time he's away.

The underhand way he's tacked on a fun weekend suggests that he knows you're struggling and wouldn't be happy if he said he'd like a weekend like that separately.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 12/10/2019 16:09

@BubblesBuddy That’s a big concern of mine.

@MinnieMountain Exactly. In fact I remember on my last work trip my client kept telling us how fantastic the city we were going to for a meeting was and kept encouraging us all to fly out on Saturday to explore the city. One of my colleagues did this. I didn’t because I valued my weekends with DH too much. This was pre baby. We both worked hard, had already had a busy few weekends with other social engagements and only really had time on the weekends to enjoy with each other.

OP posts:

BlackCherry666 · 12/10/2019 16:56

He shouldn't have left early. That was out of order. So were the pictures of him in the club. That's really rubbing your face in it.

I think what we have here is another example of a man who has NO idea what it's like to be looking after a baby day in, day out. It's hard, it's monotonous and isolating. Especially if you've previously had an interesting career of your own. The new reality can be a very nasty shock.

It sounds like you have bigger problems than just this trip, but if you stay with him then you need to make it clear that you expect him to be away for the absolute minimum. How you will enforce that, I have no idea. He sounds like the type to lie about it anyway.

SprinkleDash · 12/10/2019 17:37

I hate to say this, but some people do this deliberately. They don’t want to look after their DC

This is more than likely what’s happening! You see the same story on here time and time again. Lots of men push for having a DC but when they arrive they withdraw and miss their old lives so much that they find any excuse not to be at home. Mums miss their old lives too but it’s much more difficult for them to walk away.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 12/10/2019 18:10

@SprinkleDash Yes you may be right. I never thought DH would turn out to be like that. He was always so keen on having children and being actively involved. He has a friend who was pushed into having kids by his wife and is as a result not a great father. DH always criticised him for it. I guess it’s different when you actually have kids yourself. A few months ago DH went on his friend’s stag do. I felt a bit annoyed about that because I know if it had been my friends hen do I would have not gone!

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 12/10/2019 18:16

Basically this reads as selfish whichever way you paint it. He is prioritating his social life ahead of family life and he is enjoying his social life through work.
My ex was similar, always a work do during the week and a stay over, networking was his excuse. He was leading and funding his social life through work. He was not someone who put his family first and sorry to say yours appears to be the same.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 12/10/2019 20:00

I asked him about it and as expected he said he had been working hard all day so decided to have a night out after.

OP posts:

Drabarni · 12/10/2019 20:10

Well he's doing it because he can, I suppose.
Some men are like this, they are selfish and once they have you at home with baby continue exactly as they did before.
They must be stupid to think the child will automatically love and respect them when they hardly see them.
Then there are other men, the ones that get it.

ContinuityError · 12/10/2019 20:39

Does your DH get paid for travelling on weekends? Is there a significant reduction in the flight costs for travelling before the weekend? If he’s travelling to the ME is he expected to work on the Saturday?

My DH travelled extensively for business when the DCs were small and all of these were considerations.

And I’ve also been in the middle of changing a nappy whilst DH on the phone is doing the “guess where I am just now, it’s amazing” (Rio, rooftop bar, sunset over Copacabana).

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 12/10/2019 20:55

@ContinuityError The travel makes no difference to pay. It’s possible flights might be cheaper, I don’t really know as he didn’t give that as a reason for needing to go before the weekend. I know his work starts properly on Monday when he flies to the country where his client is (it’s a 1 hour flight from where he currently is). The country he’s currently in is where his company has an office. He sometimes goes there to catch up with colleagues however as their office is closed on a Friday and Saturday he can’t have been doing that yesterday or today. He says he’s been working in the day with another colleague that flew out with him. Why they couldn’t do that prep at home I’m not sure. Before he left he kept telling me how he was turning down so many opportunities and meetings in order to not extend his trip beyond a month : |

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 12/10/2019 21:08

My husband works away a lot, and did so when the kids were young 2 year old and new born twins.

He always added a few days on to visit parents or explore the country or relax for a few days. I’ve never had an issue with him going - I get the bed to myself, watch what I want have friends over etc

And this I think is the issue - you need to widen your circle and ask family to visit to give you a break so you can have a soak or chill or for an hour or so.

They aren’t little for long and you need some focus on you away from him.

ContinuityError · 12/10/2019 21:11

You and DH are going to have to agree rules about overseas travel.

Your previous comment about not taking advantage of the opportunity to spend time in an overseas location (pre DC) plus travelling overnight for West Coast US meetings (you were travelling business class, yes?) speaks volumes about you and your DH not being anywhere near being on the same page on this issue.

Cottipus · 12/10/2019 21:13

YANBU. Young babies are hard work and unrelenting. It’s 24/7 unlike most jobs when you get evenings and days off. Maternity leave isn’t a jolly, it’s damned hard work but also boring. It’s frustrating when your partner’s life appears unchanged when yours has been turned on its head.

What’s he like with the baby when he’s at home- does he do his share? Do you ever get chance to have some childfree time?

WingingWonder · 12/10/2019 21:21

FWIW I travel a lot for work at different points and for a Monday start would usually travel fri or Saturday to be set to go... the social bit IS expected at times, so even if looks enjoyable it can still be work

waterrat · 12/10/2019 21:22

The thing is ..people will come on and say they would be ok with it ..it doesn't matter. You are not okay with it and it's getting you down.

This is a situation where I'm not sure aibu is useful. It's your life your feelings and your marriage and you feel let down.

The fact that others with totally different set ups cope differently doesn't mean he can skip off not caring how you are coping

Would he consider coming to counselling ?? Maybe he needs to really take on board how much this is getting to you

Ponoka7 · 12/10/2019 21:38

@SprinkleDash, you can't anticipate what life is going to be like with a Newborn. All babies are different and you don't know what sort of Mum you will be.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 12/10/2019 21:51

The only childfree day I have had was when my friend got married so DH and I went for that whilst my mum babysat. DH has taken the baby for an hour or two here and there for example when I need to cook or run an errand but he’s never had him for a full day. Maybe I should just leave the baby with him for a weekend and go out partying!

As for counselling it’s been suggested a number times when we are arguing but then we just end up back in this state of denial the next day.

On our anniversary recently we spent the evening watching 3 episodes of a tv series like we do pretty much every other evening. I booked us a meal out two weeks later and we were struggling for conversation apart from him talking about work and me talking about the baby. Our sex life and intimacy isn’t good (there are opportunities as the baby sleeps through the night in his own room) but neither of us initiate much and if we ever do it’s just very dull. I have always had low self esteem (was put down a lot by my mother as a child). As a result Ive only really thrived in relationships where my partner compliments me and makes me feel special. DH is very charming with other people but doesn’t seem to be able to do the flirty thing with me. Early on in our relationship he was messing around with other women. I told him at that point that if he wanted to be with me he needed to be loyal. Now he thinks that being loyal makes up for everything else that I feel is missing and I should just be grateful for that. To be honest I don’t even know if I care any more if he was with someone else. Sometimes I fantasise about being with someone else. There’s not just one issue. It feels overwhelming and I’m not sure it can be fixed, maybe that’s why I try to live in a state of denial.

OP posts:

ContinuityError · 12/10/2019 22:19

I’m not sure AIBU is the right place for your question - I’d try the Relationships board as there will be posters there better placed to offer advice.

SprinkleDash · 12/10/2019 22:47

@Ponoka7 you can't anticipate what life is going to be like with a Newborn. All babies are different and you don't know what sort of Mum you will be

I anticipated perfectly what life would be like with a newborn and what sort of mum I would be and as a result I’ve skipped it altogether. Brutal, honest, forward thinking could prevent a lot of heartache. People get so blinded by wanting a child they fail to see the very many reasons why they shouldn’t have one.

Userzzzzz · 12/10/2019 23:03

It can be really hard to make time for you both as a couple when you have a baby so that bit isn’t so unusual. I think the bit that is would be the 1 month business trips and not trying to minimise them.

Just out of interest, has your husband been on skype a lot? When mine has been away he always makes sure he can say good morning and good night to the children and it helps.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 12/10/2019 23:12

@userzzzzz We never Skype or talk on the phone when he’s away. Usually get a Message in the morning and one at night before bed. He did mention video calling this time. I guess we will see.

OP posts:

reasonablesettlement · 13/10/2019 14:27

@Jadefeather7 - Reading your posts, it seems that you seen the down side of everything and I wonder if you are suffering from PND? Have you considered this?

Adversecamber22 · 13/10/2019 14:43

I remember DH messaging me he was sat by a rooftop swimming pool while I was in the queue in a supermarket toddler wrangling with DS. I can honestly say it never bothered me. When we got together I knew he would be away a lot and sometimes at short notice and also with no specific pattern. I also knew I would possibly have to relocate overseas. In the end we only had to relocate within the UK.

Looking at your update including about him messing about with other women a while ago no wonder your unhappy. The real problem is staying with a man who is proven to be untrustworthy no wonder your miserable.

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