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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You can't say "it's easy to live alone" if you've never done it?

32 replies

StyleO · 12/10/2019 11:00

I left home at 18 and got a house with my child and ex. I split with my ex a few years later and met (now) DH about two weeks later. He was in the army and quickly 'moved in' with me away from his parents as he was spending all his weekends home with me.

Through the week, my child would be in bed at 7 and I wouldn't go out on an evening as friends would be busy with their other halves and/or also had children. I paid all the bills, ran the household etc. (eventually went to Uni too but that's not completely relevant). My DH took on the father role almost immediately and weekends were family orientated.

Before my DH left the army, he did some 6 month tours away.

During one tour, I needed £500 to pay a bailiff or something (I can't quite remember, more than 12 years ago) but our finances were shared so it was more a notification to him than a request. (FWIW, bailiffs, debt etc. is no longer an issue)

He recently had a debate with someone that it is easy to live alone. He argues that in the army he lived alone. He didn't, he shared a room with at least 3 others. He didn't have to arrange to pay rent, council tax, utilities, food, do housework such as cleaning a bathroom etc. as it came directly from his wages or was sorted for him. His mother did his washing until he moved in with me then it would be done by him or me.

He says if he had lived completely alone he wouldn't have to worry about what I spend money on and would just pay his bills and have loads left. He wouldn't get lonely because he would go to his friends/families house. I said you can't do that on an evening with kids in bed, to which he replied he would have them come to him instead. (He's right, he often has friends around).

AIBU that it frustrates me though that he claims living alone is easy and really he hasn't ever done it! He says neither have I because I had him bringing in money! I explained it's not just financial contribution we are discussing!

OP posts:
DeathStare · 12/10/2019 11:03

I think this is a stupid discussion to get into. But especially as you are both defining "alone" differently

ashmts · 12/10/2019 11:06

But it doesn't seem like you actually ever have lived alone? There seems to be a bigger argument going on here.

Sparklfairy · 12/10/2019 11:07

I actually live alone (no kids). I love it, and it is easy. Not sure how that helps you though Grin

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 12/10/2019 11:08

Well you never lived alone either at 18 you left your parents and moved in with your ex & child, your relationship ended and you were with your current dh just 2 weeks later and he moved in ‘quickly’

So you have never done it either...

EmpressLesbianInChair · 12/10/2019 11:08

You don’t live alone, you live with a kid. I can believe that’s tough. Living completely alone is heaven.

Idontwanttotalk · 12/10/2019 11:09

Didn't you live with your child? That isn't living alone is it?

stucknoue · 12/10/2019 11:11

Living alone is easy, but you don't have another to rely on so you need to be organised. Being a single parent isn't easy, but you aren't living alone then!

Original poster
StyleO · 12/10/2019 11:11

It's not a stupid discussion as it's relevant to someone in our lives but I'll not go into further details about that as it's not relevant to my main AIBU.

I agree he has a different view of what alone is, I have tried to explain but maybe I'm not quite being clear. He dismissed loneliness for example but has never been in a situation where you feel alone but that's not necessarily because you don't have friends around!

OP posts:
Original poster
StyleO · 12/10/2019 11:14

Yes I guess I never lived alone as I had my child in that respect. When he moved in, he did live away in the army Monday to Friday and sometimes over the weekends too. Add in the 6 month tours where he woul only get 2 weeks home.

Alone to me was sorting out the bills, household, apppintments etc. Then food shopping and feeding DC etc.

OP posts:
vavavoomdeboom · 12/10/2019 11:16

You sound like you don't actually like each other much.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 12/10/2019 11:18

So maybe change the discussion to how hard it is living with a child & no other adults in the house to share the responsibility?

RavenLG · 12/10/2019 11:20

It's a stupid thing to be frustrated over and put energy into though.

I've lived alone and loved it it was super easy, no one to answer to or consider. Living with DP is harder as I love being on my own and I rarely get alone time now and when I want to be a slob and not get out of pjs all weekend I cant Grin.

Everyone is different. He perhaps sees the army as 'living alone' as he wasn't living with any dependants like a partner or child?

Batqueen · 12/10/2019 11:21

Yeah, neither of you have actually lived alone. Ime there are challenges both to living alone and with someone else. By yourself you have to solve all problems, make all decisions and if you are a social person you have to organise your social life better as there isn’t just another person waiting for you when you get back. You have to be more responsible. On the plus side, you can do things exactly the way you want them without thinking of anyone else!

Living with someone else you have to more mindful of their feelings, it’s much easier to feel resentment of how household responsibilities are split so you must be much more considerate and better at communication but you gain a huge amount in socialisation, sharing responsibility, shared finances and economy of scale.

ashmts · 12/10/2019 11:22

But (and I don't mean to be rude) presumably you were paying all those bills out of his wages? I'm guessing you're a SAHM. Not that I'm criticising but

  1. Would it be 'easier'/cheaper if he didn't have to support his partner and a child on his wage? Yes but that's the decision he made.
  1. Would it be 'easier' for you to live alone without his wage? No tbh. It'd probably be much harder. So it totally depends on the circumstances.
ComtesseDeSpair · 12/10/2019 11:22

I find living alone far easier than living with anyone else, it’s awesome. Perhaps by “alone” he means “not with a partner / family” because sharing with other army mates is entirely different and he thought of himself as living alone in the sense that he didn’t have to think about anyone else’s needs, foibles, emotional welfare or priorities - which is, I think, one of the best things about living alone.

It sounds like a daft argument to be having though, especially after so long. Can you not jut agree to disagree?

Sindragosan · 12/10/2019 11:25

Actually alone without a child is fairly easy, if a little lonely at times. Living with children/partners/housemates isn't living alone and all have their upsides and downsides.

The only unreasonable thing you've probably done is move someone in too fast, but if he doesn't like the shared commitments then that is easy to fix.

Dollymixture22 · 12/10/2019 11:33

I live alone. It’s lonely sometimes and it’s expensive. But it’s also very freeing, I can suit myself and have created a little calm oasis that totally suits me and reflects my taste.

Neither you nor tour husband have ever lived alone, so totally pointless debate.

Svalberg · 12/10/2019 11:49

Living alone means that you alone are responsible for everything and there's only yourself to blame if something doesn't get done. As opposed to splitting responsibilities then finding someone else hasn't paid the house insurance and getting angry that you have to do it! It saves your blood pressure...

Thatagain · 12/10/2019 15:51

If you can appreciate a quiet life then liveing on your own would be good. I do see some old people who looks lonely though so it's a personal thing. Personally I think liveing alone is sad.

Ohyesiam · 12/10/2019 15:52

You can say it, but you’d be talking out of your arse.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/10/2019 15:58

It seems like a really silly argument to get into as neither of you have ever lived alone, and it seems like a bizarre thing for you to get exercised about in the first place. Who cares, really?

As someone else posted upthread, it feels as if you don't like/respect one another very much and you are seizing on this weird and highly irrelevant discussion. Then you go on to mention that he's seizing on hypothetical situations where he'd be better off without you around. None of it sounds very happy and healthy.

How do you feel about him generally? Are you happy? Do you think you would be happier living alone?

EmpressLesbianInChair · 12/10/2019 16:00

Personally I think living alone is sad.

For some people I’m sure it is, but for me sharing a home with other people would be unbearable. Also I have a lot of friends & I’m close to my family, so when I want company it’s there, which probably makes a big difference.

tillytoodles1 · 12/10/2019 16:07

I was widowed in January and I hate living on my own. You have a child and a part-time husband and it's not the same. You married him knowing he spent a lot of time away from home, I don't see why you're both arguing about it.

Anothernotherone · 12/10/2019 16:07

It doesn't sound as though either of you have ever lived alone.

I've lived alone - using the usual definition of the word (without any other people). It was indeed easy.

Being a single parent to small children who live with you isn't living alone - it's living with one or more dependent children, and I'm sure that can be hard. I've never done that.

I lived alone for several years though, in Japan and in London, in my own little flat in both cases. By and large it was indeed easier than living with other people, and I wasn't lonely because I was able to socialise as much or as little as I liked, I was working full time and living in big busy cities.

TroysMammy · 12/10/2019 16:08

I've lived on my own with a cat and loved it. It's shit when you're ill and you have to fend for yourself though.