You can't say "it's easy to live alone" if you've never done it?

[StyleO]

I left home at 18 and got a house with my child and ex. I split with my ex a few years later and met (now) DH about two weeks later. He was in the army and quickly 'moved in' with me away from his parents as he was spending all his weekends home with me.

Through the week, my child would be in bed at 7 and I wouldn't go out on an evening as friends would be busy with their other halves and/or also had children. I paid all the bills, ran the household etc. (eventually went to Uni too but that's not completely relevant). My DH took on the father role almost immediately and weekends were family orientated.

Before my DH left the army, he did some 6 month tours away.

During one tour, I needed £500 to pay a bailiff or something (I can't quite remember, more than 12 years ago) but our finances were shared so it was more a notification to him than a request. (FWIW, bailiffs, debt etc. is no longer an issue)

He recently had a debate with someone that it is easy to live alone. He argues that in the army he lived alone. He didn't, he shared a room with at least 3 others. He didn't have to arrange to pay rent, council tax, utilities, food, do housework such as cleaning a bathroom etc. as it came directly from his wages or was sorted for him. His mother did his washing until he moved in with me then it would be done by him or me.

He says if he had lived completely alone he wouldn't have to worry about what I spend money on and would just pay his bills and have loads left. He wouldn't get lonely because he would go to his friends/families house. I said you can't do that on an evening with kids in bed, to which he replied he would have them come to him instead. (He's right, he often has friends around).

AIBU that it frustrates me though that he claims living alone is easy and really he hasn't ever done it! He says neither have I because I had him bringing in money! I explained it's not just financial contribution we are discussing!

I lived alone until I was 29 and loved it.

Living with DP is lovely of course, but I often miss having my own place and being completely independent.

I've never lived alone either come to think of it...

I always imagined it would be fairly easy tbh. I mean, everyone has to pay bills and taxes, but with a partner and children, you have added responsibility.

The point about being sick though is a good one. One of the hardest few days of my life was when I had bad mastitis with full flu symptoms and couldn't get out of bed for three days, but also had to look after a newborn on my own all day. BUT, at least DH came home at 7 and brought me food and drinks. Being properly sick, longterm with nobody around to help ever, must be very hard.

I’ve lived alone plenty, it is easier.

A great deal of it must come down to what personally suits you, surely - it’s not as straightforward as ‘X is always easier than Y’.

I’ve never lived truly alone (am expecting to once my young children fly the nest though, and am looking forward to it!), but I’ve lived with only my child/ren since eldest was 6 months. It’s not the same as completely alone because the social/freedom aspect is very different, but does have the ‘all responsibility is on me’ thing. IME a lot of adults who share homes with their partners underestimate the impact the other adult has on keeping the home running. There is not an expense in this home I don’t cover, not an aspect of life admin I don’t deal with, it is always my turn to cook (unless the 7yo does, which is lovely but not yet exactly restful for me...) and clean and yada yada yada. When I am ill, nobody brings me a cup of tea in bed.

It doesn’t sound like either of you has ever lived alone, even if you count ‘alone with kids’ as properly alone(? I’m not clear what the gap was between your ex moving out and your DH moving in). I don’t think having a partner who is away for extended periods with work is really the same as living alone. Not having sole responsibility for paying the bills/mortgage/rent makes a massive bloody difference, for a start.

All that said, I think there’s a simplicity to living alone and having things the way you’d like them. I really like my own company and absolutely love the evenings alone once both kids are in bed. I think I’d find it easy to become too hermit-like and would need to guard against that a bit, but I still feel confident I’ll be more than fine once the kids are gone and it’s just me.

Just re-read the OP again. It almost sounds like he was implying you and DC are a waste of ‘his’ money?! That’s a bit weird. Also, to take the money point literally, if you have children young enough you can’t just leave them in bed and go out to see friends, you probably also can’t just leave them at home and go to work, ie there is a childcare cost - or would be in the absence of an unemployed/complementary-shift-working partner...

It sounds like rather quickly he paid the bills and supported your dc? Honestly, he sounds pretty awesome in that case.

Neither of you have lived alone though so it's a silly argument.
I moved out at 17 alone and loved it! So much easier in many ways.

I live alone and love getting to spend my free time doing whatever I want to do. What I don't love, however, is having to pay ALL of the bills ALL of the time, with nobody to split costs or remind me that X is due or to pick me up from the garage when the car has to go in (leaving me with a three mile walk home and no public transport).

People underestimate how expensive it is to run a house single incomed.