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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel resentful towards DH

26 replies

staircasefalls · 12/10/2019 09:42

DH suffers with PTSD and Depression and is seeking appropriate help. Has been receiving councelling, cbt and therapy and is taking antidepressants. He's been in a slump for a while and has struggled with a lot and i'm so proud of how far that he has come. during the time he was depressed and still up until this point I have taken over a lot. I've always done the majority of housework and childcare but I now do everything, housework and childcare. and had to give in one of my two jobs that I worked one day a week so he would watch the children for one day as opposed to two days a week. I have to pick up some more hours at work to reach 16 hours and will need to put the children in nursery but i know the whole taking and picking up routine will still be down to me ontop of everything else. my husband is now started regaining a social life with his friends which i'm over the moon about i really am and has been out for the past three fridays doing various activities but i haven't been out even to the shops on my own without my two toddlers in 6-8 months and I just feel like i'm so worn down and nobody wants to help me. I feel selfish feeling this way and i don't want him to stop regaining his independance i'd just love someone to ask if i was ok

OP posts:

johnlennonsglasses · 12/10/2019 09:56

Yanbu
It's always really hard on the partner. You are trying your best to make sure that he is ok and in the process are negatively impacting your own mental health.
You need the balance between what he is capable of giving and what he can't be bothered giving.
Have you had any counselling yourself? Or even joint guidance? It sometimes takes a 3rd party to point out what is right under your nose.
In being strong for him, you are using up all your reserves and have nothing else for yourself.
Who can you draw support from? Friends, neighbours to help with drop offs and pick ups?
If you keep going like this the chances are you will also end up unwell.

Thehop · 12/10/2019 09:58

YANBU at all, I felt exhausted reading that.

Can you be honest with a friend or family?

Original poster

staircasefalls · 12/10/2019 10:41

Thankyou for your replies, I dont really have family who I could talk to and I have 2 friends who I already talk too which are always there to listen but in regards to helping can’t do much. Talking to a professional might be a good idea too.

I don’t want to feel resentful because I know it’s helping him but I end up sounding bitter, he came home from the cinema last night talking about the joker movie he went to see with his friend and it took everything to muster up the strength to sound enthusiastic. He’s now had a good 10 hours sleep and is still a sleeping and I’ve been up since 5am with the kids and had to breastfeed my youngest 3 times in that 6 hour slot

OP posts:

LL83 · 12/10/2019 10:46

That is fantastic he is getting better and that you are being so supportive.

As he is getting better you should also get some free time. Ask him if he is now able to take the children on his own some time?

Start small but you need some time out too.

user1493494961 · 12/10/2019 10:51

He's taking the piss.

Alwaysgrey · 12/10/2019 10:52

I’m probably being a bit harsh but he’s able to go off to the cinema with his friend but can’t/won’t afford you an hour or so time out? You must be exhausted. Is hiring a babysitter for an hour or so possibly? I’m not surprised you feel resentful. In your situation I would as well. I suffer from anxiety and depression as I’m a carer to our two disabled children but I can’t do nothing because I have responsibilities.

BlackCherry666 · 12/10/2019 10:53

Don't let him take the piss though OP.

Fair enough he has depression but he can't just enjoy all the fun parts of life whilst leaving the grunt work to you. Otherwise you might end up with depression!

Weevle84 · 12/10/2019 10:55

You are not being unreasonable as it is really tough on you. I have been where your husband is when we just had one child and I went from doing everything to being scared to be left with my child alone as I felt so incapable. I'd say that's probably where he is at. Small steps are needed to gain his confidence with the kids again. So maybe get him to watch the kids while you do some housework, then when you pop to the shop for 10 mins and build it up until you can leave them for longer periods of time and eventually he will be confident enough to do nursery drop offs etc and give you some time to yourself. Then once that is sorted maybe leave him 1 task of housework a day and build that up so that you aren't left with all to do. You are doing fantastic being such a supportive partner x

Ponoka7 · 12/10/2019 11:04

There's absolutely no reason why, even under your encouragement and supervision, start to do housework. I say as someone who went through a period if squalor during depression.

It gave me a real boost to have at least one room permanently clean. Then i built it up.

Disconnect from family can contribute to poor mental health.

He's made a good start, but now he needs to get involved with the running of the household.

Original poster

staircasefalls · 12/10/2019 11:13

I do let him off things a lot because his mental health can be so evidently poor sometimes. Very physical panic attack’s, I can tell how he’s feeling the second he walks downstairs and I try and be chatty on those days and give him lots of positive affirmation but won’t get much back, snappy replies etc. He also works long hours so when he’s having days maybe come 50% of the time I only chat to thr kids all day. SOMetimes i go to the local shops just to have a chat with the ladies who work there and will buy something I don’t need. God that sounds pathetic. We go to baby groups a couple of times a week but they’re so cliquey I’ve never be able to make any friends

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 12/10/2019 11:52

Ok I think he's taking the piss too.

Snappy replies? Um, just no.

Think there needs to be a conversation about his mental health not being the only mental health that needs looking after within the family.

Namechanger001 · 12/10/2019 11:57

I think @FizzyGreenWater has a good point.
Also you say he works long hours so he is able to keep a job down yet is unable to contribute to family life.

Alwaysgrey · 12/10/2019 12:08

You sound like you’re walking on egg shells so you don’t upset him. You’re having to make yourself small to accommodate him 50% of the time if not more.

EileenAlanna · 12/10/2019 12:13

Can you say what the traumatic event/s were that caused the PTSD & how long ago? Whatever councelling he's getting should have a large focus on getting back to "normal" life which for him is work & family surely, not going to the cinema with his mates. It doesn't really matter much how well he can manage that since he doesn't live with them & have to have successful day in day out dealings with them.
You & his DC are the main players in his life & how he relearns to reintegrate with you all is more important for his now & his future than what's showing this week in the cinema. Your own mental health & perhaps your marriage will disintegrate if there isn't some shift in focus.

AgentJohnson · 12/10/2019 12:28

Do you think if the roles were reversed that you’d get away with as little as he does, hell no he wouldn’t because he is a man and in general, we and them have lower expectations.

I think it’s time to you to be very frank about your needs and your expectations. If making time to see friends is possible, so is making time for his wife and children.

You can’t tip toe around his MH forever.

Tableclothing · 12/10/2019 12:30

Is he ex-Forces?

RhinoskinhaveI · 12/10/2019 22:05

It sounds as if his mental health problems are very useful to him....

Lifeisabeach09 · 12/10/2019 22:12

Agree with the PPs saying he is using his MH issues to take the piss.
There are lots of people on this forum that suffer from depression and anxiety but they plow on with family and work.
Your H is playing on his condition and manipulating you in the process.
He is a noose around your neck. Dump him.

CormacMcLaggen · 12/10/2019 22:16

It sounds as if his mental health problems are very useful to him....It sounds as if his mental health problems are very useful to him....

That's not fair.

But your mental health is being affected, OP. You deserve support too.

What was your DH like before the PTSD?

Windydaysuponus · 12/10/2019 22:19

My exh had depression.
Then crossed the line to Twatism.
Beware of similar op.

Original poster

staircasefalls · 13/10/2019 19:15

sorry, everybody I did read all of your messages but didn't have the emotional strength to reply. I brought up the fact that I was struggling to him last night and was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I told him that looking after the kids, doing all of the housework, working and treading around his bad moods were emotionally and physically draining and i knew it was hard for him but I needed a bit of support too. he told me that i was putting all of the blame on him and that he was depressed and i wasn't helping. I went to bed crying and after about 10 minutes he came upstairs and hugged me and said sorry.

Fast forward to today. up with the kids at 5.30am all of the morning stuff until I left at 7.30. came home at 5.30 made tea tidied and hoovered, put a load of washing in and put both the kids to bed whilst he's sat on the sofa watching youtube on his phone. when i did start hoovering he did snappily say leave it he'll do it but he had said that the day before and he hadn't. have had brief small talk, hi how was your day initiated by me. felt like crying all day

I don't know how to approach the situation, I don't know how to distinguish his depression with just being unpleasant and I don't know how to act accordingly without being treated badly or be unpleasant to him.

OP posts:

Neverender · 13/10/2019 19:20

My DH was depressed. But only for the things he didn't want to do. I've asked him to leave now. If it's making you miserable, it's making you miserable.

clucky3 · 13/10/2019 19:24

He's taking the piss.

This. If he's capable of three activities in three days with his mates, he's capable of a couple of hours with his children. What a twat.

SesameOil · 13/10/2019 20:02

It sounds very hard and you seem like you're struggling yourself.

tiredybear · 13/10/2019 20:06

how about some couples counselling? His illness has obviously affected your relationship and surely it can only help his recovery to get that area back on track too?
It is not selfish to need and want some support from your partner. You sound like you've been incredibly supportive but you can't keep giving if your own cup is empty.

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