Marry for love or security?

[Beyoncesmumsjeans]

My friends divorce has completely thrown me. She married a guy she met at uni, a 'good' sensible man who was ambitious and family focused. I had dc's with a manchild who walks around the house with headphones on so he can't hear me tell him to turn the Bath taps off! A guy I can't take to family occasions because he brings a four pack to a sit down meal at restaurant and talks to elderly relatives about hip hop. I mean, I love him, but he causes me a lot of stress!
I always thought that there was some argument for choosing to marry and have children with someone you didn't fall madly in love with but that you knew what you were going to get. My dad was told 'find a woman you don't hate who can cook and is kind.' Obviously some lucky people find both true love and a safe choice but I can put most of friends into two groups; 'mad love affair with an unsuitable choice' or 'not love at first sight but saw their good qualities and are generally happy now.'
Now that my friends husband has left her, I think maybe you never can predict. It was so out of character for him. I mean my friend put up with years of bad sex for this man! Maybe she should have gone for the crazy ex with the tattoos instead!

Erm...

Maybe you should let other people and their relationships largely alone, on the basis that you don’t understand anything about them?

It’s sounds quite mercenary to marry for security.

Surely you marry for love after spending a long time with a person to ensure their views, morals etc match up with your own.

Or marriage itself is an outdated custom and most people will have more than one long-term relationship in their lives, and that's perfectly ok and normal. Expecting someone to grow and change alongside you for 40+ years is probably unrealistic.

Expecting someone to grow and change alongside you for 40+ years is probably unrealistic. Oh! After 34 years should I be moving on?

Why can't women work to get security for themselves?

Yes, curious, that's exactly what I meant.

Nowt to prevent you shortly becoming annoyed with your manchild to the point where divorce is the only option.

@Themyscira Oh! What's the matter? Can't an old married lag make a snarky comment? Has all humour fled? Don't take yourself so bloody seriously!

You made quite a pompous statement, I pricked it, you burst!

I'm marrying for both. My df is in a more secure job than I am, and can work his way up the ladder if he so chooses. I'm stuck in one dead end job, and another job I love but can't see myself able to move up for a long time.
I love my df to bits, and love the life he's built for us, as it's mainly him being in the job he's in, and me moving from crappy job to crappy job,rasing my son from a previous relationship, which was only security,and broke down in a disastrous way. I promised myself I wouldn't stay with anyone I didn't love ever again. This time around I have both, security for my son, on new baby on the way, and love and companionship for me. If you love a person enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them, or see a future with that person, why does it matter? In my case, yes it has been personal choice to marry for love,but that doesn't always work for everyone.

No... I said "probably unrealistic". I wasn't advising anyone to leave their happy marriages. Please calm down. I'm glad you are happy, that's wonderful! I wish you and your DH many more years of happiness. No sarcasm from me at all.

However, having spent plenty of time on the relationships board here, it's blindingly obvious that not everyone experiences such solid, happy marriages. There is optimism and there is realism. I just pointed that out.

@siring1 obviously they can. I'm just talking about choosing someone who will be a partner and possibly having children. Obviously if both halves of the partnership earn equal amounts then it would be easier than, say my situation, where I have more earning potential but also only work part time due to childcare.

I think every relationship is different, and every love feeling is different. I absolutely love my DH infinitely. I will be married to him forever. He is quite sensible, caring and a family man. However, it's a different kind of love to previous relationships (I've been married 10 years, but can just remember those previous relationships!) I've had relationships where there was passion and lust, and those where the man was a bit off his rocker but it was soo intense and such a beautiful kind of love.

Although I loved my previous partners, the relationships were short lived because we wouldn't have been compatible longer term. Had different values, drove each other mad when living together etc.. and one turned out to be already married ().

My DH is perfect for me. Our love is special and he is special, though it's not the kind of love where sparks fly and passions are high. To be honest, I think Im a bit old for all that now anyway!!

Not sure whats wrong with talking to old people about hip hop

I don't understand why it's one or the other.

Your relationship issues seem to be taking over.

My DH is everything I could want, we truly are partners. Conversely to your situation, I am the one with the earning potential so he's at home with our children at the moment.

Your 'D'P sounds like a dick. I'd rather crap sex like your friend than your situation. No amount orgasms could make up for that kind of behaviour!

"The fact you can see this is unusual should indicate that this wasn’t an ordinary situation"

Of course you can't predict. They're people. Not knitting patterns.

WTF.!

Sorry the first line was and old copy paste!

Marry for love or not at all.

Why do you need a man for security? It’s not the1920s?

Marry for love. But honestly someone who was lazy and not ambitious I wouldn’t find attractive anyway.

I love my dh deeply but we don’t have one of those fiery drama filled passionate relationships. I could not be doing with shouting and drama even if it was followed by wild make up sex. I certainly could not have any respect for a man child who can’t be taken out in company .
We have decent enjoyable but no tearing clothes or damaging chandeliers sex. Some people might find that boring but we are happy.

The point of my post is that you can choose a 'safe' option and then they leave you for another woman anyway l!

So, are you feeling a tiny bit smug that your friend's 'perfect' husband has left her but you've still got your less appealing one? Is that it? Otherwise not sure what the point is here.

To be honest, if you've married someone you didn't really love for security, who cares if they leave you for another woman? They will have to pay child support and spousal support. You get to either live on your own or have a relationship with a tattooed biker that you don't have to have children with or take them anywhere. Sounds great if only Id thought of that 20 years ago

"The point of my post is that you can choose a 'safe' option and then they leave you for another woman anyway l!"

Well of course.

I don't think its either/or...

I don't think I could have fallen in love with DH if I was embarassed to have him around my friends/relatives.

Similarly, 'security' to me doesn't necessarily mean rich...it also means being hard working/doing kind things when people are ill/being sensible with money/prioritising it for the DC.

@thedevilinablackdress not at all! It's just when times are hard with dp sometimes I think 'man if only I'd married that guy from uni' but then he could have left me too. Until now most of my friends stable marriages have been because they thought more logically than I did about their life partners.
Obviously my friends dh being a bigger dick does not make my dp less of one!