Marry for love or security?

[Beyoncesmumsjeans]

My friends divorce has completely thrown me. She married a guy she met at uni, a 'good' sensible man who was ambitious and family focused. I had dc's with a manchild who walks around the house with headphones on so he can't hear me tell him to turn the Bath taps off! A guy I can't take to family occasions because he brings a four pack to a sit down meal at restaurant and talks to elderly relatives about hip hop. I mean, I love him, but he causes me a lot of stress!
I always thought that there was some argument for choosing to marry and have children with someone you didn't fall madly in love with but that you knew what you were going to get. My dad was told 'find a woman you don't hate who can cook and is kind.' Obviously some lucky people find both true love and a safe choice but I can put most of friends into two groups; 'mad love affair with an unsuitable choice' or 'not love at first sight but saw their good qualities and are generally happy now.'
Now that my friends husband has left her, I think maybe you never can predict. It was so out of character for him. I mean my friend put up with years of bad sex for this man! Maybe she should have gone for the crazy ex with the tattoos instead!

If I was single now, I'd pick security over love. You can't live off love.

Me and dp are in a good place now and I have both (for the most part) but I didn't have the security for a long time (I don't mean financial support, but security as in someone who I know is responsible, reliable, interested in 'home life', able to plan a future with that sort of thing).

The 'security' aspect of is now there, but it took some stress, arguing and time wasted. I think we'd be a lot further along in our relationship and lives, if it had been there from the start.

When I first saw and met my DH I knew I wanted to marry him and have kids with him. Was it love or a feeling of security, both probably, I love him yes, does the marriage make me feel secure, yes.

I was very happy and secure before and could be again. So I don't feel like I need the marriage for that but it still makes me feel secure. We have been married almost 14 yrs I have changed a lot, so has he in different ways. It has caused some hard conversations but we still want to be together, still love each other and don't want to loose what we have after 14 yrs.
It can be hard dealing with change in any relationship but you have to want to be with the other person enough to battle through.
I think if the desire to make it work is strong enough marriages can last but you have to keep talking and dealing with it if you don't the difference gets to big and the damage can be irreversible.

Sometimes people either just change to much it they have been kidding themselves all along about what they want that when the do admit what they really want it shows they gave been living a big lie from start to finish. Being honest about what you want and need, being realistic and accepting that things change is the key.

'man if only I'd married that guy from uni'

Says it all

I think it’s impossible to know the balance of anyone’s relationship but your own. You think you know that someone married their safe choice but there’s often a lot more to it, even if the person has told you that they choose a safe rather than passion option. It really depends on the personalities involved. I sometimes wonder how DH and I look from the outside. I think it would be easy to miss the solid foundation of our relationship and only see his lack of affection and our busy independent lives. But we both have a very strong moral compass and made a very clear decision to be together and there is a strong love and respect there.

Or maybe people see that about us, I don’t know. When DHs sister announced her split from her husband we were both rocked to the core as it wasn’t on our radar at all. For us or them. But we really only know about ourselves.

You marry for love, but also make an informed decision on entering into a legal contract.

Eg. Loving a DP doesn't really offer the same legal protection that makes becoming financially dependent a wise decision for most women, but marriage would offer some protection and legal recognition for the at home partner if the relationship goes south in 7 years time.

But sadly, I don't think you're interested in actually discussing love/security and the issues of marriage as you're more interested in feeling a bit smug that someone else's marriage has fallen apart despite having good jobs.

I think don't think the choice is marrying a man you have bad sex with/ you find a bit boring, or marrying a man who embarrasses you socially and doesn't talk to or listen to you. Neither option sounds very desirable.

People marry for different reasons. I think kindness is underrated personally. But I still wouldn't marry a kind man I wasnt attracted to. I think attraction is key.

I think some people are suited to marriage and some aren't. I'm divorced and long term single now and can't ever imagine giving up my peaceful single life! But I have long term happily married friends. There always seems a bit of compromise and argument, but I have to say the happiest don't lose that initial attraction that interested them in the first place.

Marry for love but not that heady, crazy love at the beginning when you don’t even really know someone. Wait until the love is deep and more than lust.