How to console my 26 yr old - he is heartbroken

[pinkelephantsanddietcoke]

My oldest boy DS16 has just been dumped. He's devastated. How do I help without saying the obvious 'you'll get over it' etc?

Poor lad. Yes console him as much as you can and don’t leave his side. Tell him you know it hurts really bad and if you have some experience from your teenage years you can relate because of it. Do you have a dog or can you borrow one to go for a long walk tomorrow regardless of weather? One day at a time. Sadly it is part of growing up and developing emotionally.

Acknowledge his pain. You may ask what happened but respect his silence if he doesn’t want to talk. Give him a big hug.

Distracting a 16 year old is a complex business, I could come with a lot of ideas but none would work with my kid.

Grief has to be grieved, I suppose. So be there for him, and accept that he will feel hurt for a while.

In addition to consoling him, you can also him parecetamol/ibuprofen, it alliviates the pain that comes ñ with emotional pain.

Oh god. I’ll never forget the pain of this happening to me when I was 20. Deeply scarred and never loved again. I’m still single. I’m in my 50s now. People always said I’ll meet someone new but I didn’t. I knew I was too damaged.

if you can take him out and try to make him happy about things- even just a few minutes happiness an hour- then you are being kind and supportive.

I think giving him alcohol would be a terrible idea.

Yep don't tell him he'll get over it or it's not the end of the world or anything like that.

Obviously be there for him if he wants to chat and maybe try to distract him from moping a bit but generally I think at that age instead of trying to fix things for them you just need to let them be sad.

It's hard.

Try to explain what he will feel next to show solidarity?
The hopelessness, the desperation, the need to text her and get her to say something that makes him feel better.
Let him know we all go through it the same way and we all pretend we are coping better then we are

it is the BIGGEST thing in the world at that age.aswell as young romanc youve got all the other teenage confusion going on tormenting his emotions too.
so let him be open and be on board with it hurting like hell.
one day he will see its nothing,right now he wont no matter what you say so id avoid that kind of talk.
but eqaully make sure he doesnt wallow and step over the line of wallowing to something more.that comes with talking to you/his mates about it so he can move on
ask him what he wants to do this weekend.get his fave pizza in for tomorrow.

This happened to me about 40 odd years ago and the memories unexpectedly revived when I returned to my hometown. I play Missing, by Everything But The Girl. The lyrics aren’t strictly 100% true but the sentiment is there. It can then be consigned to history.
Maybe try going for long walks, reading a book with a complicated/intriguing plot, distraction really until the raw period is past.

Lovely thread.

So many nice mums on here. My mum would have told me not to be so stupid if I’d gone to her upset about something like this at 16.

I will be different for my children though.

Poor guy. But it is great that he can tell you about it.
It is called " heartbreak " for a reason. Hurts at any age . I still recall getting my teenage heart broken. Saw the guy in question recently and it brought it all back.
And I am 58!
I hope that she was kind about it .So hard to take rejection .
You seem lovely and supportive .We all know that he will be OK , but I guess he needs a lot of reassurance.

In addition to consoling him, you can also him parecetamol/ibuprofen, it alliviates the pain that comes ñ with emotional pain.

Please don't teach him to treat emotional pain with drugs of any sort. Or alcohol. His heart can only break because he's loved with it. The only cure for that is time and love from other people.

ll probably get criticised for this, but if you've got any alcohol in the house could you allow him a couple of drinks with you? Might make him feel a bit 'grown up'.

And so you should be! I have no problem with a 16 yo having a couple of drinks, but it’s monumentally stupid (& incredibly bad parenting) to teach a 16 yo to deal with emotional pain by drinking, or to make it seem like a couple if drinks makes them feel/look ‘more grown up’

An open heart shows it's pain and scars. For me, seeing my son experience heartbreak was as if I was feeling it alongside him. Probably the most painful part of rearing him.
He is now happily married but I will never forget weeping about it. I also cried when he finished with a girl too, seeing her upset killed me as well! Hope your boy recovers soon.
Heartbreak is hell, whatever your age I say.

Omg with the posters saying get him drunk and laid!!
Listen to him and sympathise. Tell him how amazing he is. Go for a walk in the rain. Watch a film together. I hope he bounces back soon OP.

For me, seeing my son experience heartbreak was as if I was feeling it alongside him

Exactly. DD's boyfriend of nearly 4 years dumped her recently. I felt so sad for her, even though I felt that the relationship had run its course. He had done it in such a cowardly way - by text/snapchat/messenger (I'm not sure which). When it would have been their anniversary she rang me in tears (she has just gone to university), and was unconsolable. Fortunately a couple of her flatmates were there to console her.

Anyone who minimises the break up of a relationship is an unfeeling arsehole completely lacking in empathy.

I hope he feels better soon and manages to regain his self esteem. The feeling of rejection is awful.

It's proper shit-but he'll learn the responsibility of having someone else's heart in his hands from this.

Beautifully put. I was thinking along similar lines. It's hard now but it shows he is emotionally healthy and I think it bodes well for the future women in his life

Don't set up a link between unhappiness being soothed or cured by alcohol as that's unhealthy. Alcohol is a depressant, so it's not a good idea to drink when you are unhappy anyway.

You sound very sympathetic and lovely, which is the most important thing he needs right now. Lots of TLC, support (non-judgmental) and plenty of hugs. He will get over it (but don't say that because it's not helpful!).

I remember this happening to my DS at a similar age. He was gutted.

I took him his tea on a tray and sat on the end of his bed to eat mine with him.

I listened to him cry for a bit, then picked up a Batman comic book that was lying around, and read it to him with silly voices and everything, like I used to when he was little. I just felt he needed something loving and familiar from a more secure time in his life.

It worked, surprisingly. We were laughing within a few minutes.

Is there something your DS enjoyed as a kid that you can recreate for him, to remind him of who he is outside of the heartbreak?

Definitely do not encourage him to medicate with alcohol or pills. That's a terrible behaviour to learn at 16. Or any age, really.

Remind him that if it was meant to be, it would have been. She wasn't the one.

"Remind him that if it was meant to be, it would have been. "

I don't think he'll take that very well! Better to just sympathise I think.

Be there for him. Hugs and comfort.
Tell him to invite some friends over to play xbox or whatever he is in to.
I have a dd 16 she has had a couple off bfs totally in love one minute and when the last one finished on snapchat she went out with friends in the afternoon and by the end of the week she was with another boy.
At that age they are always better going out in groups so they still have friends if they break up.

My 19yo sibling went through this recently - me and DM basically did spell out for him that in 10 years time he wouldn’t remember this girls name and would likely be settled with the love of his life and perfectly happy!

I told him to imagine what my life would have been had a married the guy I was dating at 19 (he despised him) he was horrified at the thought and quickly moved on!

My teenage DD was dumped by her boyfriend last year and she was heartbroken.
We let her talk, let her rant, let her cry. We told her it was ok to be sad, told her we loved her. We discussed how you couldn’t force someone to love you and that whilst you could be hurt and angry, they really hadn’t done anything ‘wrong’ (this assumes that like for my DD there was no dishonesty or nastiness in the relationship - her boyfriend just didn’t want to be with her anymore and still doesn’t have a new girlfriend). We did family things and watched familiar films and ate pizza. We didn’t say any nasty about the boy and had to hide how sad we were (he was like an additional son, as we’d known him since he was small).

As she moved on and was less sad, we talked about how being finished with felt and that one day, should she ever have to dump someone, to do it as clearly and kindly as she would have wanted.
We talked about the responsibility of holding someone’s heart in your hands and treating it kindly, even if you didn’t want it anymore.

We eventually told her how upset we’d been too, and so discussed how breaking up can hurt lots of people.

First cut is the deepest. Let him talk. Writing it down may help. Poor boy.