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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

boundaries with his colorist MIL??

26 replies

Wwydplz · 11/10/2019 20:06

DS is a blond toddler.
DD is darker skin and tanned and not MILs definition of beauty.

She spends all her life commenting on my white blond son taking after his beautiful dad..

My DD was born recently and her comments about my son being handsome and fair skinned are being thrown in at wrong moments which makes it clear to me that she is comparing.. and shaming my daughter through my son..

She has form for doing that to her own kids..

I can’t help but feel she will manipulate my kids and cause rifts between them.

What sort of boundary should be communicated to her indirect manipulative style ?? And AIBU to expect DH to deal with this?!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 11/10/2019 20:15

I would not be subtle. Just tell her to stop making dumb comments.

Aderyn19 · 11/10/2019 20:17

You have to nip this in the HUD before your DD is old enough to notice. I'd tell her she is not to mention their skin colour again. If you see any sign of favouritism, do both your kids a favour and stop her spending time with either of them.

Teddybear45 · 11/10/2019 20:18

Are you a mixed race family? If so remind her that when white people can’t make colourist comments against people who are not white, just racist ones, and if she continues you will ensure she never sees either child again. Get your DH’s support in this too.

Fisharesexierthanme · 11/10/2019 20:19

Time for your DH to have words with his mother. Stern and firm words.

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/10/2019 20:20

You need to have a serious chat with the bigoted woman. Be blunt and tell her to stop going on about your blond and fair son and, comparing with your DD's darker looks. Tell her Hitler venerated the blond and fair-skinned also.
Make an issue of it if need be.

literategiraffe · 11/10/2019 20:23

I'd not be subtle either!
I'd call her out on every single comment.

If she continues your DD is going to not only feel like her grandma doesn't like her but that it's because of how she looks and that's a horrible msg to grow up with!
Is your DH on the same page as you?

Original poster
Wwydplz · 11/10/2019 20:41

So would :

“You are comparing looks and showing favoritism. That’s hurtful for my daughter and I do not want her or her son seeing that”

Would that be effective way of
Calling her out each and every time???

I think she will Deny it and pretend I’m making a fuss and being sensitive.

Btw dd takes after her color. DH is biracial and it’s his mother who is darker.. I’m fair skinned.. which makes it hard for me to call her a racist even though I’m convinced she is. It’s hard to understand but she seems to have issues and projects it on kids..

OP posts:
Original poster
Wwydplz · 11/10/2019 20:44

DH is on same page as me but prefers to avoid the drama and minimises his mums behaviour.

We both are trying to figure out a drama free way to address this without letting her enjoy the negative attention she craves

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 11/10/2019 20:46

“Are you saying she’s ugly?!”

“Well no of course not, but Bobby is such a beautiful boy”

“So Amy isn’t beautiful?”

“Well no that’s not what said...”

Just keep reflecting it back at her and watch her stammer

Breathlessness · 11/10/2019 20:50

Have a look at www.theguardian.com/us-news/series/shades-of-black.

IJustLovePirates · 11/10/2019 20:54

She needs to be told to stop. One of my DP’s daughters has a depression/anxiety disorder which she traces back to being constantly compared unfavourably to her sister, by DPS mother, for a similar reason.

howrudeforme · 11/10/2019 20:57

Yes, you can call her a racist to her face and tell her stop with the racist comments with her grandchildren.

Don’t know what’s stopping you. Your dd does not need this shit.

Windydaysuponus · 11/10/2019 20:58

Suggest she sees a Dr as her behaviour isn't normal for a dgm....

shas19 · 11/10/2019 21:02

Sorry but she wouldn't be anywhere near my kids. Disgusting!

usersouthcoast · 11/10/2019 21:04

"MIL, would you mind stopping with the comments about their skin and hair colours please? I know you don't mean to show a preference, but it's clear you are. Both DH and I don't want the children growing up with beliefs of such an outdated kind or being around those that do. Thanks"

Gaudeamus · 11/10/2019 21:10

Maybe something like 'DH and I have decided not to allow any comments on the kids' looks, because we never want them to feel appearance is a priority in our family. We've also decided to make sure they both get equal attention so they know they're equally loved. We're going to need your support, because you're an important figure in their lives, and we know the way they see you act is going to affect them.'

It's not a confrontation, but states your boundaries and your reasons very clearly in a way that can't reasonably be disputed. If the favouritism continues you can reference this conversation: 'Grandma, don't forget that we decided that DS and DD each deserve the same amount of affection. This is very important to how we want to bring them up. Please help us by showing them that you value them both the same as well'.

If that doesn't work, you might have to question her motives more directly, but at least this gives you a chance to state your expectations regarding your children without adding in the complication of racism accusations, which, however justified, might make it more difficult to achieve what you really want.

99BehaviourProblems · 11/10/2019 21:18

That’s completely unacceptable and I’d tell her in no uncertain terms to stop talking about their skin colour OP

99BehaviourProblems · 11/10/2019 21:19

And no it’s not unreasonable for you to expect DH to deal with it. He needs to tell her to stop.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 11/10/2019 21:31

OMG everyone in my stepfamily used to do this when I was a child as DSS was blonde/blue/"was going to grow up to look like a film star".
I hated my brown hair/eyes for over a decade and dyed it blonde for years as a result. Hmm
Please nip this in the bud with MIL by pulling her up in front of DD so DD knows this is a terribly wrong opinion not fact, and (I'm sure you already do this) tell DD she's beautiful too at every opportunity.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 11/10/2019 21:34

'I'd prefer everyone close to the children not to comment on their looks or appearance, or to compare them against each other as we think character is more important than looks, and we dont want them to see each other as rivals. I'm sure you understand and will respect this'

BumbleBeee69 · 11/10/2019 22:02

Your MIL is a poisonous vile snake and any respect and courtesy in her direction should be terminated. I'm so angry for you OP.

your children are beautiful. Flowers

Original poster
Wwydplz · 11/10/2019 23:32

I love my baby girl,
She is only a newborn

She will end up realising her potential
Without letting stupid people around her define her.

And I hope I can be strong enough to make sure this is what happens.
Because she doesn’t deserve anything less

She is my beautiful little angel
And I am gonna get stronger

She is going to give me that strength
Her beautiful little eyes
And delicate little fingers
It’s going to help me search my soul to find my voice

And shine some light into her dads heart
So he can find the courage to speak up

MIL makes me so angry.. but I’m gonna channel my energy to give more love to my little girl and not let an immature adult take this time away from her.

I’m gonna be my daughters support.. and when that happens nothing can break her.

There is nothing that will threaten MiL more than having her manipulation reap no benefit on me and DH. And our kids.

They will be soooo loved that her unconditional love won’t even be required.

I’m a good mum and I won’t let her make me fail my daughter this way again.

OP posts:
Genevieva · 11/10/2019 23:45

There are clearly some MiL issues in your family. However, before you accuse her of racism or colourist, I would be careful to make sure there is no room for doubt. Consider whether it is possible that she is giving the old child more attention because he is adjusting to having a baby sibling. It seems very odd to be discriminatory over her own grandchildren at this age. Blonde babies often start darker, get blonder and then get darker again. Give it two or three years and your daughter may be blonder than your son, at least for a short while. They may end up with identical complexions later on. Similarly, many babies' eyes will change colour. It may be that your daughter ends up looking remarkably like her grandmother at some point. You just can't tell what the future holds from looking at new born babies.

beethebee · 12/10/2019 00:15

Is your MIL West Indian? Colour issues are very deeply ingrained with light being seen as better and more beautiful and something to be proud of.

Attitudes are changing now but if she left some time ago she may be very old school in her outlook. I don't think you'll change her mind because it will have been drummed into her all her life.

I'd just say 'all colours are beautiful' every single time she makes a remark until she gets the message that you don't want to hear it. Get your DH on board too and have him prepped to pull her aside and talk to her about it if she doesn't get the hint.

coldlighthappier · 12/10/2019 01:21

Who on earth has said YABU?!?!