To love DD but find life with her hard.

[Asta19]

My DD is late 20's. Currently living at home for a myriad of reasons and she has always struggled with her MH. She recently moved into DS's old room (as it's bigger) when he moved out and that room is next to mine. I have tried to be as supportive as possible but just now she came in my room (I work from home and my desk is in my room) asking when I was going downstairs so she can do her music practice. Apparently she feels "self conscious" when I am in the room next to her. I pointed out I can still hear her from downstairs (we do not live in a mansion!) but apparently that's "different". She now wants some sort of schedule when I will clear out of my room to allow her to practice! I love her dearly, and I know she has issues, but she's a grown up for goodness sake! I have never for one second begrudged the things I had to do for them when they were kids, but I expected to get my life back at some stage! Not have to come up with a schedule on when I can and cannot use my own bedroom! I think this is just the final straw in me feeling that they both still rely on me so heavily and everything I do has to fit in with what they want. My DD has lots of "moods" where she won't speak or interact and, although it hurts me, I never say anything or make a fuss. Of course you don't stop being a mum just because your kids are adults but equally I think it's also fair that I get to put my needs at least on par with theirs now. Or am I being unreasonable? I don't know. All I know is I feel like crying now because it just seems like no matter what I do I am always going to have to accommodate what they want above what I want.

Of course you're not being unreasonable, and your daughter is taking the piss. Continue to treat her like a child and that is exactly how she will act. Tell her very clearly that this is your home, and you will not be evicted from your bedroom at any time, for any reason. Of course she is your child, but she's an adult, and being able to move back into your home is a favour to her, not an entitlement.

If she can't respect you and behave decently, she can move out.

I do think you’re right. I had a terrible upbringing with an awful “mum” so I think I have always over compensated for that. But even I think it’s ridiculous that she expects me to come up with a schedule for using my own room! I am probably equal parts upset and flabbergasted! I think maybe I do need to put my foot down and say no this isn’t happening.

It sounds like you have been very supportive and accommodating to her needs and she should respect the fact that you work from home and will not be dictated to when you can use your own room/desk etc.
I know it's not easy as a parent but she's an adult now and it's your home. Can she not practice her music downstairs instead? What does she play or is it singing?

I think maybe I do need to put my foot down and say no this isn’t happening.

There's no "maybe" about it. You are NOT just a mum, you're a person who deserves respect in their own home. You are doing her NO FAVOURS by pandering to her tantrums and ridiculous demands, op.

She needs to be doing housework, food shopping, cleaning, and contributing to monthly expenses. If she doesn't like it, she needs to find a new place to live. You have done your job in raising her. Now it's YOUR time to enjoy the life you've worked so hard for.

You can still be a loving and supportive mum without being a doormat.

You're being a doormat and quite frankly she is taking the piss.

If you have just been a give, give, give mother your whole life she may have grown to expect too much from you.

You've done so much for her already. Think of yourself for a change.

She plays an instrument and sings. I really think I need to hear these answers. On one level I know I’m not being unreasonable, but hearing other people say it makes me feel more confident in drawing the lines as to what is and isn’t an acceptable request from DD. Ultimately my work has to be the priority as that is what keeps a roof over our heads and the bills paid.

She's taking the piss

Laugh at her and point out that if she wants adult levels of control over a household, she should pay for and run her own

Please don't pander to this request.
Bonkers.

If you have just been a give, give, give mother your whole life she may have grown to expect too much from you

You’re right. To a large degree I blame myself. I was so determined not to be like my mum that I over compensated and now my DC expect it of me. It isn’t totally their fault at all. But you are all right. At some point I need to say enough is enough.

Is she working?

Without intending to sound unkind if mental health problems haven't stopped her from playing musical instruments, then mental health problems aren't justification for taking the piss either.

It's your house, it's your bedroom, you don't need her permission to access your own space. It's lovely that you're a good mum and do what you can for her etc but there has to be a limit when her behaviour effectively results in you being made to feel like a child in her way.

You're the mother, this is the real world, mental health issues or not, you can't allow her to dictate to you.

Tell her to find a rehearsal room.

Can’t she practise in her old room if it’s further away from yours ?

Her old room is being prepared for a lodger. But she had the choice to stick in her old room or move so she’s put herself in this position. She’s not working at the mo, currently studying. She buys her own food but doesn’t pay any rent so she isn’t really in the greatest position to dictate what does or doesn’t happen!

Since she's not working and not paying rent, is she doing housework, laundry, etc?

Do you have to have a lodger?

Good grief, so very unreasonable of her. You are WORKING!

Tell her you will work to whatever schedule suits you. Perhaps it doesn’t even suit you to have her singing and playing while you work?

Set some boundaries by learning to say a flat no sometimes. Barely even an explanation necessary in this case. And encourage her out to work if she’s not already doing so.

Well, your "Mum": trained you from birth to put your own needs last so no wonder you struggle with asserting yourself to another dominate female in your family + your burden of determination of not carrying on the cycle of abuse is a double whammy.

Feels like now's the only time in your life when you do have the opportunity to put yourself first - sounds like you've not only earnt it, you deserve it.

TBH, I think it's time your daughter learns to manage her health alongside adult responsibilities - eg move out .

So will the lodger be allowed in their bedroom while she's practising?

Fair point LordNibbler that room is on a different floor so I presume she will just deal with it! I don’t necessarily “have” to have a lodger but it will ease the financial burden on me and allow me money to pursue my interests and finance my retirement so its again sacrificing my needs (or my future needs) if I don’t go ahead with that plan;,

You seriously must not sacrifice anything more. When will your life actually become your own? Why do you sacrifice your needs for adult children? This is your house and your time. You are doing her a favour allowing her to live with you while she's studying, so she should be doing her bit for the household and also looking after you too seeing as you're the one working and paying the bills. Does she bring you hot drinks while you work? Maybe a sandwich at lunchtime? Doing some housework? Please please remember she is a fully grown adult, not a child.

Is your dd Autistic OP? I am and can recognise the signs in your description of your dd! I think in your shoes (I could very likely be in a similar position- dd and ds are both autistic) I would make yourself very clear and explain that as she has chosen to move back in with you, she needs to realise that she is doing so as an adult (not a child) and that you, as the main earner do not mind supporting her through her mental health issues, however that does not mean that she gets to dictate to you, when you can and cannot be in your own bedroom!
I would tell her that you intend to let her old room out to a lodger, who will be making a financial contribution. As such, neither your lodger or yourself will be dictated to when you can and cannot use your bedrooms!

She chose to move home! She chose to move into the room next to you! if she is self conscious, tell her to move her things into her old bedroom! If she is not keen on a lodger moving in (she won’t be, change is hard and if your dd is autistic then she will struggle with the idea of a stranger moving into ‘her’ home) tell her that she needs to find employment and start contributing financially.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever's post is very well said OP. She is offering you excellent advice.

When she is paying the mortgage and bills she can make whatever darned requests she likes, until then FUCK OFF. Keep working OP.

I understand your reasons for wanting a lodger, but don't be surprised if having one makes things very, very difficult with your daughter. She already has very skewed expectations, and sharing space and being reasonable is clearly not in her wheelhouse.

Why doesn't she practice in her old room (I assume it's now a guest room). I suspect it will be me in a few years posting the same ... my dd has already suggested we move together to Cambridge to do a masters (she thinks I should do one too), but mh issues are a factor here too. It's certainly hard living with another adult sometimes