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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To love DD but find life with her hard.

49 replies

Asta19 · 11/10/2019 17:43

My DD is late 20's. Currently living at home for a myriad of reasons and she has always struggled with her MH. She recently moved into DS's old room (as it's bigger) when he moved out and that room is next to mine. I have tried to be as supportive as possible but just now she came in my room (I work from home and my desk is in my room) asking when I was going downstairs so she can do her music practice. Apparently she feels "self conscious" when I am in the room next to her. I pointed out I can still hear her from downstairs (we do not live in a mansion!) but apparently that's "different". She now wants some sort of schedule when I will clear out of my room to allow her to practice! I love her dearly, and I know she has issues, but she's a grown up for goodness sake! I have never for one second begrudged the things I had to do for them when they were kids, but I expected to get my life back at some stage! Not have to come up with a schedule on when I can and cannot use my own bedroom! I think this is just the final straw in me feeling that they both still rely on me so heavily and everything I do has to fit in with what they want. My DD has lots of "moods" where she won't speak or interact and, although it hurts me, I never say anything or make a fuss. Of course you don't stop being a mum just because your kids are adults but equally I think it's also fair that I get to put my needs at least on par with theirs now. Or am I being unreasonable? I don't know. All I know is I feel like crying now because it just seems like no matter what I do I am always going to have to accommodate what they want above what I want.

OP posts:

NearlyGranny · 11/10/2019 23:00

Buy some foam earplugs and she can alert you when to put them in. Accommodate in ways that don't inconvenience you!

Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2019 23:06

Buy some foam earplugs and she can alert you when to put them in. Accommodate in ways that don't inconvenience you!

FFS. Wearing ear plugs when you need to work is a huge inconvenience. Like hell should the op wear ear plugs in her OWN HOME. Her daughter can make the effort to find a place to practise where she doesn't infringe upon her mother's life and work.

56Marshmallow · 12/10/2019 03:17

I also wondered if your daughter has undiagnosed autism? I think that I will be in the exact same position as you OP.

My Mum wasn't great and I cut her out of my life. When I had kids I tried to be the opposite of her.

My kids are only young but both autistic so I tend to bend more for them and run around after them more than I ever planned to.

minesagin37 · 12/10/2019 04:14

A lodger! Why, if you are both struggling to find a way to live with each other would you introduce a lodger into the mix?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/10/2019 04:58

Surely the solution is to take her instrument downstairs or is it too big? She needs to make the adjustments, not you. You are working to pay the mortgage.

echt · 12/10/2019 05:00

A lodger! Why, if you are both struggling to find a way to live with each other would you introduce a lodger into the mix

RTFT. The OP needs the money.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 12/10/2019 05:39

You're a lot more patient than I am.
If she has autism that's fair enough.
I think she should move out really.

Toastymash · 12/10/2019 05:45

Sounds like it's time for her to move out. Plenty of people study and manage to support themselves. I did, my DH did, most of my friends did. And no, we weren't all living off rich parents. We had jobs and lived in cheap little house shares in cheap areas. If she chooses not to do this then she needs to live by your rules.

Might be time to have a chat with her so she knows what you expect of her. If she doesn't like it then she's welcome to go somewhere else. She's almost 30, for goodness sake.

Pandamodium · 12/10/2019 06:03

I'm 31 with severe MH issues, it's not an excuse for rudeness especially towards her main support system (you) if I spoke to my mam like that she'd likely crack me one MH issues or no MH issues.

I'm never going to be fit for "real" work, too many hospital stays/breakdowns etc instead a care for two elderly relatives (good bit over the 35 hours) so they can remain at home. Actually does me the world of good especially when I think I have it worse then everyone else. Any granny's, great aunts/uncles who could do with some company/practical help? If safe to do so obviously.

silly0ne · 12/10/2019 07:01

My 18 year old son is very similar. His issues and with GAD but he was also referred for assessment for autism (and declined to pursue this).

My advice with this is to gently, but consistently reassure your daughter that you cannot move when she is practising. Your bedroom is your work-space, but that you are so engrossed in work, that you will not listen to her activities.

Is your daughter getting any external support for her difficulties? It sounds like you have a lot to cope with,

Thatnovembernight · 12/10/2019 07:17

I wouldn’t agree to this request from my primary school child never mind an adult. You are the bill payer in your own home and it is also your workplace. Respect needs to be shown accordingly (in my opinion).

cptartapp · 12/10/2019 07:31

Where's her dad? Are you trying to over compensate by considering her every whim? I would be worrying about long term issues with this, she's late 20's! Difficult.

whiteroseredrose · 12/10/2019 07:35

At 30 she needs to understand that without your work there is no house so it needs to be a priority.

Can she not practice downstairs?

Thatagain · 12/10/2019 07:44

I can see where your DD is coming from. I have played lots of music and if anyone was listening in the house it was off putting. I cannot be in my bedroom when my DS is playing his guitar as he cannot play. You do deserve a medal for caring for your DD through her MH issues we can all learn a lot from this post.
THANK YOU OP

swingofthings · 12/10/2019 07:53

As you've acknowledge, you have overindulged her with ensuring all her needs and desired were answered to. Sadly, if she hasn't ever known any different, she will have understandably taking it all for granted, and in her world, it doesn't all stop because she is suddenly an adult because she won't know any different.

If you start telling her that it's now over, it will come out as if you've ever done it all out of duty or sacrifice and that you now have the right to be let free, which could very well making her feel that she wasn't worth all the attention she received.

I think you need to let go gradually by encouraging her to become more responsible for her life. She currently consider the house as much hers than yours because she's always lived there and you made sure that she felt as such. She now needs to learn that once you become an adult, the only home that she can call hers is the home she pays towards.

Studying shouldn't stop her getting a job. I would start encouraging her that way. Anything that gradually makes her realise that your house is not her castle and that although she will always be welcome, it is your home and she needs to respect your rules.

Be gentle though as indeed, she feels the way she does because you've encouraged it.

Juells · 12/10/2019 07:55

I've found that once you give in to one unreasonable demand, the demands become more and more entitled. As if it's not your house, and everything must be arranged to suit the other person.

Stay strong and focus on what suits you. Don't agree to anything immediately, take a day or so to think over how it will impact your comfort rather than rushing to suit someone else, which mothers are inclined to do.

It's your house. Suit yourself, and let others work around that.

LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2019 08:01

think maybe I do need to put my foot down and say no this isn’t happening.

No maybe about it, if course you do! It's not about the past now so don't blame yourself for being too soft because of your own upbringing, it's about asserting yourself now and not letting her walk all over you otherwise it will affect your own mental health.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 12/10/2019 08:34

I do understand the desire to not be heard whilst practising but you shouldn't feel forced out of your own room!

Could DD look into cheap ways of soundproofing her room?

FrancisCrawford · 12/10/2019 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idontwanttotalk · 12/10/2019 08:49

YABVU.

If I were you I would tell my daughter that I am working and that she needs to go downstairs to do her music practice or play in her room. It is not up to you to go to great inconvenience in your own home.

I hope you tell any potential lodgers about her music practice before they move in. That would probably be a deal breaker for most (unless you've sound-proofed their room).

Embracelife · 12/10/2019 08:56

She needs to speak to her therapist.
It s a bit of her life she thinks she can control. When perhaps other aspects of life shd cannot. But this is unreasonable.
she has to learn it s irrelevant whether you hear or not.
Stick your ground sorry dd I need to work.
Concentrate on your music . Otherwise you can practice on thursdays between 4 and 6 when I am out at the gym. Your choice.

ShaunaRae · 12/10/2019 08:57

You sound like a very lovely, selfless mum but you are right it’s your time now.
You can only accommodate for so long until you become a door mat that she can walk all over. She is so unreasonable and should appreciate that she has somewhere to stay. You are working which is much more important than her deciding she wants to practice. You need to have a chat with her and tell her how you feel in a way that won’t make her feel like she isn’t wanted there. Mh issues are hard and I’m very sorry your daughter is going through that but it’s also hard for people around.

Original poster

Asta19 · 12/10/2019 19:24

Thanks for all the responses, it is actually helping me to see things a bit more clearly and I’ve had some really good advice, so thank you.

My DC’s dad died when they were young. I won’t pretend he was some sort of saint, he wouldn’t have been the best dad had he not died to be truthful. But I think that has affected her a lot too. In that even if he was a crap dad, if he were still alive she would see that for herself. But the fact he died means she never really knew him. My DS has never been that bothered by it but I know it’s bothered her.

I feel bad because she can be the sweetest, most nicest person and I do love her dearly. But yes, sometimes the MH stuff is hard. My DS has ASD so it’s not always been easy to support them both. I do think it’s possible she has ASD too. I know it’s very under diagnosed in females and manifests itself in different ways.

She hasn’t mentioned it again today but if she does, I will explain gently but firmly that it isn’t going to happen and why. To be fair she does help with the housework and a few years ago I stopped cooking and clothes washing for my DC and told them they needed to start doing it themselves (other than once a week when I make us dinner and we watch a film). So she is independent in some ways but yes I think that could be expanded further.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 13/10/2019 00:07

OMG did you say she was 30 ?! Thirty years old OP ??????

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