To politely ask for any experience with Borderline Personality Disorder please

[PleaseHelpM3]

Hi

As the thread title says, if you live with or love someone with BPD what does that look like in day to day life?

I'm trying to not be a dick to my friend, not harass them when they withdraw but I also don't want it to look like I'm just leaving them to flounder (as I've read fear of abandonment is prominent).

The NHS website says BPD can affect how people relate to others. But what does this actually mean?

How can I help? Can I help?

Thanks

I have worked with young people with emerging personality disorders for many years. There is a lot of myth and misinformation spouted about personality disorders on MN so I would take everything you read with a pinch of salt. For more reliable information look at the Rethink and Mind websites. They have factsheets on various mental health issues (including BPD) that may be helpful and usually include advice for family and friends. Marsha Linehan (a leading expert in the field who invented a treatment for borderline personality disorder called DBT) describes people with BPD as "the emotional equivalent of third degree burn victims, emotionally speaking they have no skin". What she means is that every day disappointments or setbacks that most of us would shrug off will be agony to a person with BPD. The pain of the slightest rejection or perceived rejection causes unbearable emotional pain, which is why your friend may withdraw from you at times, because she anticipates being rejected. All the evidence suggests that BPD is caused by early trauma and attachment difficulties and so there may be things in your friends past that cause them great pain and sometimes lash out at others- I don't mean physically, BPD sufferers are far more likely to be the victims of violence than to be violent towards others. There is a school of thought that the name of the condition should be changed to "complex PTSD" because the label PD is unhelpful and doesn't accurately describe it.

It is a complex, debilitating and much misunderstood illness that even very experienced HCP's can find extremely challenging to deal with, partly I think due to feeling somewhat powerless because it is very difficult to treat. But if I find myself feeling frustrated by the behaviours of any of the young people I work with who have this condition I remind myself "if I'm finding it challenging to be around this person right now, what must it be like to be them? To be completely at the mercy of your own emotions?" It's a level of distress most of us can only imagine.

How can I help? Can I help?

Just by being there- but only within limits that feel comfortable for you. It's important that you don't try to take on responsibility for your friends safety or for their happiness.

By seeing the person behind the diagnosis. By not judging. Just by being a friend really.

Thank you both.

I'll go and have a read at those sites.

And agree, difficult not to feel responsible/helpless.

Hi op, I think it's lovely you want to help and to go about it in a sensitive way.

I have bpd and it's a horrendously difficult condition to try and manage. It's also badly stigmatised and you will hear a lot of ignorant people saying we are manipulative. This of course isn't true and most of the time we are just desperate for help and like you say, avoid abandonment.

When I'm withdrawn it's really helpful for friends to be gentle and send a message asking if I want to meet up or them to come round. It's best to not pressure and leave it with them. Just let them know that you are there. To be honest I've withdrawn from most friendships because I just cannot maintain them- I just don't have enough energy to be a good enough friend so I withdraw.

A big thing my husband I have established over the years is boundaries. Because when you have bpd everything is just too much, too intense and that can be damaging in a relationship. So though I know I can go to him with anything at the same time I have learnt to respect his space and his time. It's not been easy but we are in a very good place with it.
He is very patient but also has learnt to say when he needs space. This initially was so difficult for me but it's easier now and we have a fantastic relationship.

It's always important to remember that it's hard having bpd, it's really really hard. So cut the person quite a lot of slack, obviously don't let it damage your own mental health, but maybe don't hold them to the same standard as someone without the disorder.

Thank you bubbles, that's a really insightful response.

Can I probe a little more re what you mean by "manupulative"? The reason I ask is I've discovered via digital footprint that my friend told a lie regarding being abroad this week. It's no big deal in itself, basically points to them wanting a week of no contact. But I can now see looking back that maintaining the lie was draining for them. And now on top of that I know.

I sent a vaguish message saying I'm here for you, whatever it is, I'm always here because I was worried addressing it directly would humiliate them.

They've responded to say they are having some screen free time. And I respect that. I just feel so worried. It really is so sad, they are wonderful, my best friend really, I just wish they didn't have to deal with this shit.

Bubbles I look forward to your response if you come back.

@bubbles1345786

I have BPD, and my heart always sinks when I see posts with it in the title, but this is so refreshing. You're obviously a lovely friend OP. I'd second the advice to be careful about some of the posts you might see on mumsnet about BPD. There is a lot of stigma and misinformation out there. I have BPD and I'm now thriving in a professional job and in a long term relationship. It wasn't always this way though, things were really tough for a long time and it still takes a momentous effort to keep myself on an even keel.

Having said that, based on my own experiences, I wold caution you about letting the boundaries become too weak. There are ways to make sure your friend knows that you are there for them without letting yourself become their crutch. BPD makes it very difficult to relate to other people, and when I was in crisis I struggled with expecting too much from people then feeling abandoned and rejected when they couldn't maintain the level of support they'd given me long term. It wasn't healthy for me, and it wasn't fair on the people around me. Let them know that you are around if they need a friend, but signpost them to the appropriate services for treatment or if they are in crisis. Crisis requires medical attention and by allowing yourself to become the main support for your friend you do more harm than good. I had to do an apology tour once I was feeling better about the way I behaved when I was unwell. I wasn't in my right mind and there were reasons why I was acting the way I was, but that doesn't mean that I'm not responsible for myself.

Everyone with BPD will present with different symptoms, so this advice might not be relevant to your friend, but I hope it at least offers some insight.

Ask your friend how you can be there for her.
Everyone around me knows when I have stopped contact it's because I want to be left alone.
They treat me as me, not the label.

Yes please a name change, I fucking detest the current emotionally unstable label. Just further reinforces the stereotypical thinking.

I've also sometimes posted a group thing about being away. It's just telling them to leave me alone without being rude iyswim.

Thank you @jas1985

@ffswhatnext thank you

Sorry, just to correct a PP complex PTSD is it's own condition. If you look on the Mind website you will see a fact sheet where it explains the differences between the two. People can often be mis-diagnosed with bpd when it is actually complex ptsd.

I would say just letting her know you are there is helpful. She might not respond, but it will help.

I have BPD and have been in therapy for the past 3 years. Like the other poster said- just be there. I still do the push/pull thing but i'm working on it. When I got really low with my depression- I would isolate myself a lot.It's not personal I just used to get so overwhelmed. It was hard on my friends but the key is to also have time out for yourself.It's important the person does find a suitable therapist though.

These are the best documentaries I've seen.

*It's important

@PleaseHelpM3
People often mistakenly use the word manipulative to describe people with bpd often because the person with bpd is in extreme emotional distress and so will do anything to stop the distressing emotions. So for example, I'll at times be desperate for my husband not to leave me (to go to work for example) so I'll be distressed and I'll cry and beg him not to go and basically say anything to stop him from leaving. This is genuine distress and I have little control, but some people would mistake it for manipulation because they themselves wouldn't understand why I would be so distressed in that situation. Usually I have no problem with him leaving and it's difficult even for me to understand the times that I do!

The desperation and pain can also lead to self harm, suicide attempts, alcohol abuse etc. These are wrongly , often seen as manipulative behaviours to try and control others when in actual fact they are coping mechanisms to try and get through it. There is often no control over these and so is not done deliberately. People with bpd are actually generally rubbish at manipulation!

Obviously I have no idea why your friend was not honest with you, maybe he/she didn't want to upset you. Often I think I'm going to upset someone by telling them something which afterwards I realise is irrational. I'm not sure

Also everyone with bpd is slightly different so I'm only talking about my own experiences, the ones of people I've met with bpd and my general reading on the topic. I wouldn't want to talk for anyone else, especially your friend, he/she may feel different.

It might be worth asking him/her if they wouldn't mind telling you about bpd from their perspective. I've had a few people, like yourself, who have had a had a genuine interest on the subject and have asked me to tell them a bit a about it and how it affects me. It's very refreshing when it's often a topic people are uncomfortable with.

Thank you @Orangecake123 watching the first documentary now. Quite harrowing tbh

Hello, this is my first post and I have found this extremely difficult to post. I am a 34 year old female with a history of anorexia and severe clinical depression to the point I have tried to end my life many times.

I just wanted to say, as some

Sorry sent too early

I just wanted to say, as someone who has been in 3 separately abusive relationships ) the best of which was probably my "fiancé' putting me in hospital the night of my brother's wedding. I just wanted to say: you are not to blame. It is not your fault. And you do not deserve to be punished for the "crime " of this 'man' loving you.

Please cherish yourself. I was ready to sacrifice myself on the sutee of our relationship as I was mourning the death of a parent and I believed I deserved it. I didn't. And neither did my family/friends /anyone I met who deserved greater respect than me.

I was also diagnosed with BPD 4 years ago after 2 decades of being misdiagnosed As "just" anorexic

My daughter has a BPD diagnosis. I can "hsndle" her pretty well when she's in risks because I know all the flashpoint and can see the behaviour as symptoms, not manipulation or deliberate sabotage.
It's very hard on her partner, however, who gets understandably deeply hurt by what seem to him inexplicably rages and overeactions. She's also lost friends because they just couldn't cope with her mood swings and what seemed like huge overeactions.
When she's having a particularly rough period, I remind her it's like all her nerve endings are exposed and every little pain feels magnified by 100.
I remind her it will pass and not to panic. I will do a couple if practical tasks so she feels less overwhelmed as sometimes she perceives herself to be hopelessly overburdened.
But I have definitely learnt that sometimes I need to step back, because she will use me endlessly if I let her.
She can't help it: it's fear. But it's not healthy for either of us. And resentment going either way is not helpful.
She's seeing a new psychiatrist and is about to have a medication change so I'm trying to be hopeful.
I have a lot of experience around mental illness and I feel personally that BPD is among the worst to deal with.
Such a hard balance between supporting and not becoming the person's crutch.
It's not a diagnosis I would wish on my worst enemy. It's limited my daughter's life in so many ways. She can't hold down a job and although her partner is strong and loving, I do fear one day he-'ll crack and leave her.

Again, I apologise for the too short replies. All I wanted to say is that I am someone with an official Borderline Personality Disirder diagnosis which has mailnly been thwarted by an overlapping diagnosis of Anorexia nervosa abd PTSD, the diagnosis actually helped as I always just thought it is in my head. And it isn't. And we all deserve better.

I have never allowed myself
To be this honest with anyone. I just hope one person, any person, will possibly have such a monent again. It does mean something.

Thanks for reading. Cxx

Sorry for typos

Following

Hi OP. It’s very kind of you to research your friends condition and how you can help- just by doing this I can tell you must be a fantastic friend to begin with.

My OH is diagnosed with BPD. Your question of ‘can I help?’ In all honesty, the answer is only ever going to be ‘sometimes’ and ‘to an extent’. BPD is so complex and debilitating.

The main symptoms I see are: mood swings, black and white thinking (something is either perfect or terrible - including me!), unrealistic expectations of relationships, poor impulse control and lack of executive function (organising dates, planning for the future, making decisions). People with BPD are also at great risk of substance abuse so this is something you might want to be aware of in your friend.

Your friend will want to hear that you are there for them, but don’t be surprised if they give you the cold shoulder over a seemingly trivial thing. The best thing you can do is brush that off and remember they’re not in control of their mood.

Posting to come back to later...it seems my DD who is only 18 is about to be diagnosed with this 😞. I could write many threads on the impact this has had on our family but this weekend is particularly grim and I don't know where to start.

I'd suggest looking at forums on sites such as 'Out of the fog' and BPDfamily. They are split into areas for the relationship you are in.
I think you'll get a true picture there from the people who live with a person with BPD.