Mother and Father In Law interfering

[BetsyBaggaley1]

I have been with my partner for nearly 14 years. His mother and father haven’t ever excepted me. I don’t know why as I’m the one who does everything for them, I decorate, do the garden, do his mothers tax returns take the dog to groomers every month and take it to vets, even get his dads beer every week. Literally anything they ask, I do. His father can’t even say hello to me or thank you. I only do it for them to save my partner doing it as he works 72 hours a week so when he has Sunday off it’s our time.. They don’t like that they want him round at there house. They even manage to wangle coming on holiday with us, so now I say to him I can’t travel and haven’t been on holiday for 2 years. Because it’s literally a nightmare. They except there daughters boyfriend who she as been with for 5 years and think he’s the best thing in life. They do nothing for them, but it’s always them every conversation it’s them. But around 3 months ago there was a loss in my partners family a massive loss, it was his grandad who he lived with the majority of his life. I’m the one who was going to cemetery making it all look nice putting the same colour flowers down as what was stated by his family no other family members was going apart from me. I was doing it for my partner. He then got a phone call off his sister calling me a meddler and that I meddle all the time, so I simply told her that I would be grateful if she would now do everything for her mother and father seen as she said I’m not family. So I stopped doing everything for them, his sister hasn’t done anything for them since I stopped. I haven’t spoke to them and his sister and I thought my life would be easier. My partner isn’t talking to his sister either after what she said as it was a lot more than the meddling bit. His mother and father are trying to get him to talk to his sister he stated to his mother and father for them not to get involved but they do, taking her side when she caused it. The way his father talks to him is so wrong but my partner just takes it even when they are calling me he can’t defend me I have to defend my self. It’s literally putting a strain on our relationship, they even threatened me with court action if I don’t let them see our child when it’s born. Literally last night his dad was saying he better start talking to his sister as I won’t be with him forever, then in his next breath trying to give my partner a girls number from pub. Then the end of the conversation is did I do his mothers tax return. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle it.

they even threatened me with court action if I don’t let them see our child when it’s born

Anyone that threatened this would confirm my resolve for them not to be in my childs life.

Carry on as you are, ignoring them, dont involve yourself in their toxic stress.

What happens with your partner is another matter. Hopefull he will find his backbone

You don’t have to answer this, but are you white British?

I ask because I’ve seen this dynamic play out frequently amongst the British Asian families I know, the daughter in law being the family scapegoat and skivvy forever seeking her PIL’s approval, but I’ve never witnessed it to anything like the same extent in white British families.

Just wondering if there are cultural issues at play here to explain why you would put up with this for so long and still be chasing their approval.

I’m white British. I have been with my partner since I was 16 and he was 18. He was my brothers best friend at school so I have known him 18/19 years. I love my partner dearly and he works lots of hours to give us a comfortable life. That’s the reason I have bent over backwards to do things for his family because I know they put on him and he doesn’t have the time. They would expect him to do it on his only day off then we would not get any time together.

Do nothing. This is a situation for masterly inactivity!

The nothing includes letting them have contact with your child. Just don't.

Oh don't you feel so much better not having to deal with them anymore? I have absolutely no idea why you were doing all that for them anyway. Just block their phone number. I would be tempted to move away too.
Let them "take you to court". It's just all bully talk. They will never go through with it because it's completely ridiculous.
Stand your ground and get your poor beleaguered dh some therapy.

I’m afraid there comes a point when you have to protect yourself and your mental wellbeing. You actually reached that point a long time ago. It’s time to disengage and make your husband deal with them. You can’t be doing this nonsense when you have a small baby to take care of so best stop it now and deal with the fallout now. Relationships are formed from giving and receiving but right now you are doing all the giving. Enough now.

It's a pity your DH doesn't stick up for you. That would upset me. Has he even pointed out to his parents all the stuff you do for them?

What does he think about their threat to take you to court over access to your child?

Sorry you're going through this shit. I wouldn't put up with it any longer. Start to say No - and mean it. Good luck.

I have literally bit my tongue for years and tried giving my partner and easy life, I haven’t done anything for them in the last 3 months buts it’s daily that they are causing trouble. Ordering my partner around like he’s a child he’s 31 years old we have lived together for 10 years. I don’t know why they are like this with him as he lived his childhood at his Nanna and Grandads. When I have confronted my partner and ask him why he can’t just tell them to stop interfering. He says he tells in other ways so they get the message but obviously they are not getting the message. Now with this court business they don’t like me so why would they want to spend any time with my child. It’s just another way of trying to get at me.

Stop being a doormat and stop doing stuff for them. Step away from their lives. Do it now before you have the baby.

I'm sorry to say this but they treat you like this because its you who allows them to. You act like a doormat so it's no wonder they walk all over you.
You also have a partner who doesnt stick up for you or for himself for that matter. So again he allows their behaviour.
why didnt he tell them how disgusting it is that they are giving him another womans number while he has a pregnant partner.
Op find your self respect because once you do, you will realise how wrong this situation is and the part you played in allowing them to treat you this way.

Well done for stepping back! now just ignore them. When they ask - refer them to SIL and say "no". Just keep repeating.

If they mention, to you, they're taking you to court, say "see you there".

But your DH has to step up. So ask him between his 72 hour work weeks and being at his parents' on his day off when does he plan to fit you and your child into it. And then act accordingly...

They sound horrendous. I'd go NC and, ideally, move far, far away.

I know how wrong the situation is. I have literally put up with it for a quiet life. My opinion was kill them with kindness and they may just leave us alone. When i ask my partner to stick up for me he says he has no need to as i can stick up for myself.

It’s literally doing my head in all this meddling and I can’t be done with it.

These 3 months of me not talking to them have been worse than all the years we’ve been together.

I don’t know how to approach my partner about it again because he admits he’s in the wrong for not putting them in there place.

Then last night with this taking me to court to see our child. I thought he would of told them everything he feels because he struggles with them giving him to his Nanna and grandad. But he didn’t he carried on the conversation then told me afterwards what they said.

I don’t know weather to ask him to leave or me leave and go back to my parents. Just for a quiet life.

You need to protect any children from their toxic messy dynamic.

Please don't get dragged back into being treated like shit but expected to make their lives easier. It's a terrible model to show children.

Their threat about grandparents rights is empty, if you or they research it, it's not something relevant in UK law. During a dispute about custody arrangements if you and your partner were to split, the only way a judge would ever, ever allow grandparents access would be if a sustained, beneficial, longer term visitation was already in place and to withdraw it would be detrimental to the child. For example, a set of grandparents has little Timmy every Saturday for 3 years running, the child is well looked after those Saturdays, there's a paper trail of it happening over years, no emotional or physical abuse concerns etc.... And even then a court may decide for e.g. to guarantee a one hour visitation window to grandparents only. Children have 2 parents and any enforceable visitation is extremely rarely (and not lightly) ordered by a court. In fact of the cases I'm aware of, it's mostly been used in situations where an unfit parent has given the child to be raised by grandparents then some years later has stepped back in and tried to block out the grandparents... In short, none of this applies to you in terms of their "rights" if you're in the UK. Just ignore that silliness from them.

Would he be up for reading a book? I’ve seen other posters recommend the book ‘Toxic Parents’ by Susan Forward (there’s also toxic in-laws too).

Why are you even seeing them.

Why did you do your mils tax return?
I would have referred to their Dd and said you didn’t want to meddle

NC and if your dh doesn’t agree then split.

And make sure that he gets visitation in your home and bf for as long as possible. (I did 3 years).

Then he will have to choose between seeing his parents or seeing his child.

Tell him you are going back to your parents for a while because you are pregnant and should not have to put up with this crap. He needs to cut down contact with them and firmly say no to their constant demands. Neither of you owe them anything but you have to look after your health now

Posted too soon.. I personally think you have a duty to protect your child here. Physical moving away from them & block/get new telephone numbers etc seems the best option, but whether you're able to do that with or without your partner is a complication... I would put my children first though. Your partner isn't going to fix this.

If you're in the UK they can apply for a court order to gain access to your child, but only after attending mediation, paying a £215 fee, and having the mediator sign their application. They sound very lazy, so are they going to go to all that trouble? Even if it's unlikely, I'd start collecting evidence now. The court would make a decision based on the child's best interests, so keep anything that documents them being nasty, abusive, bullying, exploitative, etc.

I really think you need to give your husband a reality check. Does he know how serious this is, i.e. that you are considering leaving? He needs to support you as your husband and tell his family that their treatment of you is completely unacceptable, and then stick to that. If he can't do that, I'd be rethinking whether he's the wonderful husband you think he is. He's essentially standing back and watching his wife be bullied and harassed, and doing nothing about it.

I understand that it's difficult as they're his family, and I really feel for him given that they treat him badly too, but he needs to make a choice here. I'm not usually a fan of ultimatums but I think he needs one.

why on earth are you doing so much for people who treat you this way? Just stop. Say no. Don't answer the phone or reply to texts, if your partner visits them stay at home. Answer the door in your coat and say you were just leaving. Be high handed, polite and distant. If they threaten court smile and say, that's an odd thing to do.
Get out of this situation. You are no longer 16, they have no hold on you. This is your life, live it.

I totally agree.. WTF OP

Oliversmumsarmy's idea is spot on - if asked whether or why about anything for them, you 'don't want to meddle.'

How are there grumbles reaching you, can I ask? If they're calling or texting, block their numbers. If they call your landline, hand it to your DH. If DH is the one relaying the grumbles, just ask him to stop sharing as you aren't going to do anything about it!

As for court, there's not a solicitor in the land who would take them on. They have no rights and no case and would be laughed out of the office. Put it from your mind. It won't happen.

Concentrate on your new role and enjoy spending the time you've gained doing things for yourself.

If it was me, I'd leave. Go back to your parents if necessary. Tell your partner that once he's prepared to start standing up for you, and stop pandering to his nasty parents, then you'll consider talking about how to make your relationship work.

Why isn’t your husband putting a stop to this? I’m sorry but this whole dynamic is extremely odd, I don’t think it’s your parents in law- it’s your partner.