Mother and Father In Law interfering

[BetsyBaggaley1]

I have been with my partner for nearly 14 years. His mother and father haven’t ever excepted me. I don’t know why as I’m the one who does everything for them, I decorate, do the garden, do his mothers tax returns take the dog to groomers every month and take it to vets, even get his dads beer every week. Literally anything they ask, I do. His father can’t even say hello to me or thank you. I only do it for them to save my partner doing it as he works 72 hours a week so when he has Sunday off it’s our time.. They don’t like that they want him round at there house. They even manage to wangle coming on holiday with us, so now I say to him I can’t travel and haven’t been on holiday for 2 years. Because it’s literally a nightmare. They except there daughters boyfriend who she as been with for 5 years and think he’s the best thing in life. They do nothing for them, but it’s always them every conversation it’s them. But around 3 months ago there was a loss in my partners family a massive loss, it was his grandad who he lived with the majority of his life. I’m the one who was going to cemetery making it all look nice putting the same colour flowers down as what was stated by his family no other family members was going apart from me. I was doing it for my partner. He then got a phone call off his sister calling me a meddler and that I meddle all the time, so I simply told her that I would be grateful if she would now do everything for her mother and father seen as she said I’m not family. So I stopped doing everything for them, his sister hasn’t done anything for them since I stopped. I haven’t spoke to them and his sister and I thought my life would be easier. My partner isn’t talking to his sister either after what she said as it was a lot more than the meddling bit. His mother and father are trying to get him to talk to his sister he stated to his mother and father for them not to get involved but they do, taking her side when she caused it. The way his father talks to him is so wrong but my partner just takes it even when they are calling me he can’t defend me I have to defend my self. It’s literally putting a strain on our relationship, they even threatened me with court action if I don’t let them see our child when it’s born. Literally last night his dad was saying he better start talking to his sister as I won’t be with him forever, then in his next breath trying to give my partner a girls number from pub. Then the end of the conversation is did I do his mothers tax return. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle it.

If you're in the UK they can apply for a court order to gain access to your child, but only after attending mediation, paying a £215 fee, and having the mediator sign their application.

You missed the middle bit, they have to apply for permission to apply to court for a court order.

Also, if the baby hasn't yet been born, they won't have a relationship yet anyway, so much less likely to get a court order.

Block them from contacting you and tell your partner you don’t want to know anything about them.

Tell him he needs to support you if he wants a good family for the baby.

Good grief OP. I’m speechless for once. Honestly I think you’d be better off without any of them including your husband.

How can he not defend you? You deserve much more than this shower of shite.

Sounds like there’s some pretty serious family history. Your DH’s parents gave him to his grandparents to be brought up? How old was he and how long did it last for? How did they communicate while he was at his GPs and how did they come to be talking now?

That is a really major thing to deal with and if you’ve known each other for almost 2 decades, their dynamic will be “normal” to you when it really isn’t. They sound fantastically toxic and your husband may well be so conditioned into doing as they say that he’s going to need help to accept how they are is not acceptable and that he’s permitted to not be treated that way. You mentoined I that you thought he would have said something when they were threatening legal action because they gave him away. Maybe that memory is so painful he didn’t want to/couldn’t mention it (maybe he doesn’t want to mention it because he doesn’t want to hear that they just didn’t want him, he was an inconvenience etc. I can’t imagine what it would be like for your parents to give you away but then to have a normal relationship with them without having gone through a lot of therapy to work through all the issues they created).

I’d forget about doing anything for them, block all communications from them and put your energy into helping your husband deal with the toxicity of his relationship with his parents. Do you have children yet? If not, you may find he realises how much a parent should love their child when he becomes a dad and that may through up all kinds of sh*t with his parents. If he doesn’t want help or says there’s nothing wrong, then you’re going to have to decide how much, if any, contact your child has with their GPs.

Honestly, I'd give him an ultimatum. This is clearly having a massive impact on your life and health! Does he not remind his parents to thank you after you have done nothing short of running around after them?!
He needs to get a backbone and get them told!
There is only so much you can take. What is your breaking point?

Stop doing things for them.

When i ask my partner to stick up for me he says he has no need to as i can stick up for myself.

Sadly, he might be right but is clearly unable to stick up for himself. That impacts you. You have done brilliantly to put your foot down & you must continue - your PiL's have taken the piss for years.

Your DH needs to understand that his failure to put his parents straight means that you get it in the neck.
That you cannot win, as when you were helpful you were bitched at & called "meddling", never thanked, & just had more tasks put onto you. But that now you are no longer helping, PiL's are putting the pressure on DH, which affects the quality of your relationship.

I hope you can persuade him to go low contact, & to start pulling them up on their vile behaviours. Offering OW phone numbers & threatening court action (ridiculous, they'd be laughed out of it btw) is disgusting, & your DH needs to get properly angry about it.

You & DH might find this link a useful place to start ... outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

They have no right to see your child. Grandparent rights would kick in in situations like you (including baby) lived with the grandparents for 5 years and you moved out. They would be able to request contact as they'd lived with the child for so long.

Definitely stop doing everything. Continuing to do so makes it look like it's not a big deal. You can't make people like you. There's a very thin line between killing them with kindness and being a doormat. In this case you're definitely a doormats sorry!

@18995168a how incredibly ignorant of you to think it doesn't happen in all races and backgrounds!
How is it you haven't managed to witness this in any cultural background other than Asian?
Whilst I feel for OP to be in this horrible predicament, at least it's educated you - I hope.

If they are harrassing you OP look at ways to take an injunction out on them..that will shut them up and stop them in their tracks.Go no contact ..tell your DH you do not want to hear their name mentioned from his lips ever again.You married him not them and you are done with the rotten lot of them.and stick to it.I would be asking him too to make a choice..protecting you and your marriage or having them...if he has any sense it might focus his mind on how serious you are.Put up with no more...you don;t need them in your life at all.

Because you've played so nicely for so long, your DH hasn't had to make a choice between you and his parents. You've been the one sucking it up to make it easy for him. And saying that you can look after yourself may be true, but that's not why he's saying it, he's saying it because he doesn't want to actually have to make a stand, so he's making it your problem.

He may have had a very screwed up childhood, and his relationship with his parents and wider family might not be what most of us would consider normal, but that doesn't mean you have to soak it up alone.

He knows he should have tackled it, but he hasn't been put in a position where he's had to. I wouldn't blame you at all for going to your parents and making it clear you're not going back into the relationship until he's taken steps (not just giving them vague messages that they're ignoring) to protect you and your (and his) child. You've had this for 14 years, you can't take it for 14 more.

Lolapusht
We have our first baby on the way.
He was only a baby when his parents gave him to his grandparents. It first started off with the odd night then by the time he was one he was only going to his parents house for a Saturday night. And at Christmas he had to stay with his parents Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but as he got older and become a teenager it was only Christmas he went to his parents to stay over night. His parents blame his grandad for spoiling him but my partner says other he says his dad was at work then when he wasn’t at work he was in the pub. I think one of the reasons his dad doesn’t like me is because his son is nothing like him and doesn’t agree with him spending time in the pub his father even spends Christmas Day in the pub. Because we got together so young his dad tried moulding him in to a mini me. My partner as done the opposite to him and his parents just can’t accept his mother thinks it normal for your husband to go to work then go to pub, he even spends a Saturday and Sunday in there, in 31 years my partner as been alive his father as never spent one Mother’s Day with his wife. He’s been in pub.

I’ve had quiet a long conversation with him tonight and he understands he has to deal with his family and not to involve me.

I’ve also took legal advice on where I stand with his family. They have no legal right over my child until I name my child and place the father’s name on the birth certificate, the solicitor also said it would be very difficult as they haven’t formed a relationship yet.

So I told him to go tell them what I have been informed by my solicitor. My partner was shocked that I took advice.

I know my partner will be a fantastic dad as he’s always talked about what he would and wouldn’t do. We have done everything the way we have wanted from been friends to then dating to then living together first for 5years then we bought our forever home together one what we could raise a family in. The last 5 years we have holidays all over the world and made our house into a home. The final piece was having a baby.

Since they have found out I’m pregnant it’s got generally worse. It’s literally like they don’t want us to be together at all, I think they thought we might always break up but now we have a baby on the way they know we are staying together, or he’s stuck with me for the next 18 years.

I have given him an ultimatum me or them. I have told him that I will go to my parents if he does not sort this by Sunday.

I think you’re right, OP. Either he sorts them out or you go. You could just go non contact? There’s no reason he needs to pander to them, god knows they were shit parents. He’s wrong to try to make you deal with them. Carry on doing nothing for them, they clearly treat you very poorly and will carry on doing so until you tell them no.

His parents have no rights over your baby: they have no established relationship with the baby, so cannot claim contact time.

Don’t do ANYTHING for them. If they ask for tax returns or anything, ask them to fcuk off. Cheeky fcukers!
Now that they even had the cheek to threaten you, make sure they won’t see your child or have any relationship with him/her. They might tone down a bit for the child, but you don’t drop your guard. People with nasty minds never change, they just pretend to be nice to get what they want.

Just sit down with your DH and calmly go through the problems you see and discuss what to do. Let him let his DM know where you are up to with the tax returns and send her the files. If necessary itemise what you've done for your ILs over the years.

Bloody hell, that’s horrendous! You can’t even deal with that level of nasty. Your poor husband. I bet they see how you are together as some sort of criticism of them. It will probably get worse when your baby arrives. They will no doubt have lots of opinions on how to raise children and will have no problem in telling you what you’re doing wrong. If they will not speak to you then they absolutely do not get to see your baby. Not even out of spite, just why would you want anyone that dreadful around a child? He really needs to go NC with them too so he can get on with having his own family. Good luck and enjoy your baby!

Stop doing everything for them!

They gave their son to his grandparents to raise him? Hmmm, yeah I think continue as you are in that do not do anything that benefits them, do not engage with your sister-in-law but equally do not allow their toxicity to damage the relationship you have with your other half.

I know it must be difficult but put them to the back of your mind, focus on your own little family and as I said above please don't allow all the drama to come between you and your man, they only win if they succeed in destroying what you have built.

Good for you OP for giving him an ultimatum. Your life will be better whichever choice he makes. If he choses you and the baby cut his parents right out of your life. If he choses them you are better off without him.
Just sorry you are having to go through this bollocks. Especially when pregnant.
Fuck them, their tax returns, and everything about them. You are so much better than they are, it’s piles apart.

Well done, OP, for setting some boundaries. I hope your partner can stand up to his parents. If not, then you might be happier without him.

I know you're doing all the work to help out your husband.. But it must be hard on his family if they never see him because he only has one day off!! 72 hrs is a ridiculous amount to work. Are you working too? Do you think his parents resent the fact that you are doing everything because their son doesn't get any free time at all?

'But it must be hard on his family if they never see him because he only has one day off!! '

He's an adult and has his own family to consider.

op there is nothing positive to be gained from continuing your relationship with your dh's family - they sound toxic. Disengage and focus on your own needs.

I'd tell him either they are cut off from you and the baby and he can see them but never speak about them or you separate. This is so unhealthy and he is such a doormat. He will throw you under a bus for them.
Do you really want that when you've just had a baby? When your exhausted, in pain, bleeding and leaking?

Can you trust him to be your birthing partner?
Will he just open the door and allow them into the hospital?

I'd be telling him that you're going to your mums and you will let him know when he can come and visit the baby when you are ready. And that it will only be him visiting.

If your partner had any respect for you he would cut all ties with this toxic family and be well rid, you're his family now.
I would have nothing more to do with any of them and wouldn't want a child growing up around people so toxic, you don't need them in your life no one does.

Can you both move closer to your parents? Yes it's extreme but distance would help, as would changing home phone /mobile numbers and maybe having a wee cheapy joint mobile as the only contact no they have for you both so they can't pester you so constantly?

Once you have baby the emotional manipulation will ramp up on any avenues they have. Your responsibility will become wholly protecting baby from being the next generation affected by this.

Youve made huge steps forward stopping doing stuff for them, cutting contact where you can - glad DH was shocked you'd taken advice, I think he's just assumed you'd keep taking it as he does. He is the key to how this progresses from here,heneeds to step up but how you get him to is another matter. Hope you can finally force him to stand up to his toxic parents OP

Also on another note is there a chance his parents have verbally twisted everything for decades to his sibling(s)? As if they are only getting one side of the story they may (wrongly) believe you are the unreasonable ones if they've had a similar upbringing. I found the best way to tackle my mother's competitive games and attempts to poison mine and my sisters relationship (which we've finally repaired ourselves now we're 30+ after comparing notes and opening our eyes...) was to speak to her direct with some home truths and not let mum be the twisting tales intermediary... xx