She’s off sick again

[HereWeGoAgain345]

Regular poster but name changed.

My husband works in retail. The manager is repeatedly off sick. My husband works most weekends but gets the occasional Saturday off when the manager is meant to be working. However she always always finds a way to wriggle out of it. Sickness, holidays that require cover (but when his holiday comes around she tells him he has to schedule it to fall around his usual Saturday off. If she does cover she expects him to repay the favour. Fine, but then when she’s off sick or on holiday apparently there’s no requirement for her to cover him in return).

She has countless hospital and doctors appointments that take all day despite not having any significant health issues, she seems to have at least one funeral to attend every few weeks, she pretends to work through her lunches and then claims back the time, she never works a full day when my husband is there - and yet management have made no move to address any of these issues. The expectation is simply that he will cover when she’s off, regardless of any plans he might have had for his day off.

It’s having an impact on our marriage, our health and his relationship with our children. We have three - a six year old, a toddler and a nine month old and he never sees them. Taking care of them alone every weekend is really taking it’s toll on me and that one day we get every few weeks makes such a difference - I live for it! - so when it’s taken away with no regard for the impact it infuriates and depresses me.

My husband is reluctant to raise the issue as he feels it will reflect badly on him. Apparently the ‘culture’ there means he’ll be viewed as a trouble maker. This doesn’t appear to apply to the manager though?? My view is that as long as he keeps quiet there’s no incentive for them to address it. Who wants to oversee an absenteeism issue if it can be avoided? It doesn’t help that the manager is a huge bully who makes everyone’s lives a misery. It’s actually at the point now where they are - to some extent - relieved when she’s not there.

So now we find ourselves in yet another situation where she’s been signed off and he’s expected to work on his one day off in weeks, no questions asked. And of course she won’t be repaying the favour when she finally returns to work.

AIBU to ask him to refuse? Can they force him to work?

Longterm he clearly needs to take some form of action - either a grievance, transfer or similar but right now my focus is on the legalities of refusing to work on his day off. Does anyone have any knowledge in this area?

I don’t honestly think he’s as bothered by this as you are. I imagine he moans a lot about it, but when it comes down to it he will do what needs to be done at work.

There are some people who are just like that. I’m one, my daughter seems to be turning into one too. Moan a lot at home about the extra hours and being put upon, but go into work with a smile and get stuck in.

What PPs also don’t realise (and never do on here) is that not everyone has HR, senior management, “teams”, and loads of other staff. When you work for a small company, you can’t afford to rock the boat especially in areas of high unemployment. There are literally people on the doorstep who will happily take your job, and all the shit that goes with it. It’s all very well saying join a union or grow a backbone, but when that creates a hostile working environment and you’ve still got to spend 50 sodding hours a week there, it’s not much fun.

@HereWeGoAgain345, I would get your husband to look at his Ts & Cs of employment. It probably basically says “you will work whenever you are told to by the store manager” unfortunately.

What a long and convoluted OP for what can essentially be summarised as

My DH doesn’t have a backbone to decline work requests for additional hours.

I wonder whether given home life is so full on with a young child, toddler and baby - he is preferring to be at work?

I must admit I had the same thought as other posters about whether he might actually be fine with this. It would be worth thinking carefully on that point. If you're sure this isnt what he wants then ultimately he's going to have to step up. I'd advise leaving this woman's health out of it because he has no idea whether she's I'll or not.

Are you absolutely sure your husband is as annoyed about this as you are?

Is there a tiny possibility that he sees working as easier than looking after his 6 year old, toddler and 9 month old?

I know my ex used to work extra hours rather than look after his own kids.

Very good point from Worra. I also had a similar exh. He moaned about it and wanted a medal for his 'self sacrifice' whilst secretly loving being off the hook with family life. Something to consider...

If he's genuinely had no days off for weeks, why on earth hasn't he done something about it?

The Saturday issue is just part of working retail - lots of people work full weekends every week. It's just life in those kinds of industries, even though it sucks sometimes. It would be nice to get regular time off but unfortunately he has a job in an industry that operates seven days a week. Unless he has a contract saying he'll get time off on Saturdays - well, that's just life.

@Blueoasis

People on here need to stop assuming that everyone who says they are sick is actually sick. This woman is another piss taker like many others in the work place. She makes up shit to get out of working. People like this do exist sadly, makes a mockery of the ones who are actually ill.

This. ^ Whilst the OP (and her DH) cannot know for SURE if said manager has multiple health issues, I am willing to bet that she doesn't. IMO, like many other slackers, and pisstakers who like to swing the lead, she is skiving her arse off.

I have worked with many people like this over the past 30 years, and they very rarely have anything wrong with them; they are just freeloaders and skivers and pisstakers. I have also had to carry them and their work too many times to have any tolerance with people like this.

In many cases, they don't do much when they're at work either, and they ALWAYS seem to get away with it. Often because they're very thick/pally with the boss above them/area manager etc.

Most workplaces have a 'salaried slacker' and they will get away with it as long as they can. And as I said, they are ALWAYS chummy with the member of staff who is above everyone, so other people struggle to get anywhere when they complain about them.

@HereWeGoAgain345 Your DH needs to put his foot down and make an excuse EVERY TIME. They can't sack him for refusing to work outside the hours and shifts agreed on his Employment Contract. He is being made a mug of here, and it needs to stop.

All this said, I also wonder - like a few other posters - if it's possible he is volunteering to do these extra hours/weekends to dodge the responsibility of family life/looking after the kids?

I know a whole HOST of instances where the man in the family 'works' a lot of hours when the kids are young, and finds hobbies that take him away from home. They prefer it to the responsibility of the home and the children...

You will often find these men suddenly working a lot less hours when they hit middle age and the kids have left home, as the hours at work are 'too much' and their job is suddenly 'stressful.'

I know a number of men right now who have hit their late 40s/early 50s (and whose kids have left home,) and they have dropped their hours at work from around 40-42 a week, to around 26 hours a week.

And despite them having several hobbies for the 20 to 25 years or so that the kids were at home; their wife can't get them out of the house for love nor money now! OR from in front of the TV! And in addition, they don't lift a finger in the house.

The real issue is he works 7 days a week for weeks on end. That is highly illegal no wonder you live for that one day off every few weeks.

So many helpful and insightful responses. Thank you.

Yes, I do wonder whether it could be the case that he doesn’t massively value time at home as it can be stressful - certainly more so than working and this is something we both agree on.

@seaweed - very interesting in terms of family set up as he has a couple of difficult siblings so you may be onto something there.

I’m grateful to those who recognise that basically she is just taking everything she can get in terms of time off. She never seems to fall sick when she has a holiday planned or when she’s due a weekend off. It’s always predictable and has been going on for years. I literally say to DH “she’ll be off sick next Saturday, then” and bingo, that’s what happens. She always gets herself signed off so it’s more difficult for her managers to challenge and it always falls in such a way that she won’t have to work any weekends for a while.

Previous posters are right - I do harbour a lot of anger towards this woman. I feel like she’s stealing what is rightfully ours as a family, time that we’ve earned (or DH has earned) and are entitled to and value. We play the game whilst she refuses to do so and we are the ones who face the consequences.

A lot of the anger is directed towards DH because obviously I can’t get directly involved (much as i’d like to) and as a result it’s affecting our marriage to a huge extent. A previous poster points out that this is DH’s problem and I seem more inclined than him to sort it (for whatever reason). That’s true and applies to many aspects of our lives. I’m the proactive one. There’s no way I’d have put up with this myself and this is probably the one area of our lives where I have no control. I realise that indicates issues on my part but it’s incredibly hard to just sit back and let it happen when it has a direct impact on me and the kids as well as DH.

I don’t know where to go from here because I don’t feel I have enough “buy-in” from DH. I’ve sent him a link to the thread but he’s still acting like he has no say in any of it despite seeing that I’m not BU. I just feel so alone in all of it - managing our home and kids, spending every weekend without help or a break. I work myself and rarely get a moment to just relax. It’s all taking it’s toll lately...This thread is at least making me feel a bit supported and like I’m being fair in my expectation that DH take some form of action.

It seems every work place has someone like this woman and amazingly they get away with it as no one wants to say anything fear of offending. Ours has special allowances regarding start and finish times, spends most of the day at the desk eating and drinking, makes medical appointments at times which involve taking the whole day off yet they have praises sung by management while the rest of us are gobsmacked and told we need to work harder as things aren't getting done.

@HereWeGoAgain345

All the best. Hope everything works out OK!

Thanks @rainingallday, really appreciated your comments.

@HereWeGoAgain345

😘

Is he evenn responding to the working time directive quesiton-ask him if he opted out as they cant make him work over 48 hours

YANBU. Message for your husband now that he has a link to this thread:

Your wife needs a break!! This isn't something that just effects you, it effects her and ultimately your children, too. It's probably easier to keep your mouth shut in work and go along with it, but it's really taking its toll on other people now.

Please consider putting your foot down or speaking to someone senior about potential solutions. You don't have to cause "trouble", if you have to go to your superior with a problem, think about some solutions that would ease the situation so they have something to work with. They'll likely respect you for showing some autonomy.

Im assuming you mean an older person but if not a youngers woman could be doing something like IVF which would need lots of appts. Although that would be relatively predictable.
Imo the bosses are also ducking their responsibilities - to actually do their paid job and manage the staff.

I had a similar situation at work but the person was genuinely having operations etc requiring months of recovery.
However if you are a 2 person team it's bad enough when they go on holiday let alone months off.

I've got 4dc and although I adore them, it is hard being on call 24hrs a day 7 days a week.
You have a husband, you shouldn't have to live like a single parent, which is what you pretty much seem to be doing.
If he isn't willing to make changes, you can't control that. But you may be able to make changes yourself. Do the little ones go to nursery? If not, can you find some childcare? If your husband has no interest in sharing the parenting I really really would try and take care of yourself. I and other women I know with young kids seem to end up with all the physical and mental responsibilities because the men find it "too hard" and have to battle not to become unappreciated servants.
You can't hold your marriage together by yourself. But for now I would just tell him how you feel and then focus on taking care of yourself. He's a grown man, father of 3. He's capable of changing his situation, he just doesn't want to.

I'm going to put this very delicately as I've had a thought - are you sure OP, that he is actually at work on these extra days? Do you see extra pay in his packet or have you seen him at work or something? Do you know any of his colleagues who can confirm the shirker is actually off?

I guess what I'm getting at here is whether or not there is the slight possibility that he claims he is covering shifts of this shirker colleague and is actually elsewhere....

Thanks @Wattagoose90. I feel like when that comes from me it’s seen as unreasonable but maybe coming from someone else it might have a different effect?

@wellaloevera No, I don’t think he’s elsewhere when he claims to be at work. He’s very much an open book and we are both much too tired to entertain the idea of other pursuits!

I think it’s going to have to be one of the following:

Ask him to speak to HR and request that they take action. I agree that the issue lies with higher management and their refusal to address this.

Ask him to transfer to another store (he’s unlikely to leave - confidence issues, lack of other opportunities etc)

Ask him to simply say no to covering her dates and deal with the consequences (he says likely to be a disciplinary. My view is that such a situation could be positive - he’s in a union so they’d get involved and the real issue would be revealed once the problem is put under the microscope)

Sadly I feel his view is that it’s better to just do nothing and watch our marriage disintegrate before his eyes. This is no way to live - it doesn’t feel like living - and I don’t know how much longer we can continue to pretend it’s not having a massive impact. It’s not just his refusal to address it but the loss of respect I have towards him for this as well as the feeling of loneliness that comes out of his refusal. To me it feels like he’s confirming that his work situation is a bigger priority than me and the kids. Yes we need the money, of course we do, but it seems he feels that simply raising issues leads to bad feeling at the least and disciplinaries at the worst. They are known for handing these out like sweets so it’s not impossible (though unlikely, I’d hope).

I’m sure if he just got the nerve to sit down and tell them everything they’d have no choice but to act - but as a previous poster said, he’s got to continue working with her throughout the investigation and given her bullying approach that’s far from desirable.

He’s in a tough spot and I want to support him and I was us to work together on this but I fear he’ll just get angry and defensive about it all rather than doing anything productive...I’m so exhausted with it all.

Something really needs to be done about the working culture in retail, people aren’t seen as people - people with feelings and lives and families and hobbies - they’re viewed as nothing more than a means to an end.

@LittleOwl153

Sadly in this country you can opt-out of the working time directive although you cannot be forced to!

If he refuses he’s told that’s not an option and that it’s all about “give and take”!

To this I would reply 'I wouldn't mind if there was give and take, but it's me giving and her taking and that's not fair'.

@Ferretyone UK workers can opt out of the 48hr maximum working week but not I believe out of the breaks requirements.

you could ring ACAS for advice they are really good with things like this