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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kissing friends

62 replies

OhWhatACarveUp · 10/10/2019 22:31

Ok, it's not a thread about infidelity as the title might suggest.

I've been living in France for five years. This weekend I was back at home at met a group of friends, friends I've known for decades. As soon as I turned up, I started kissing people as a greeting, and quite frankly my friends were taken aback. I'm male if it helps. My friends and I come from a fairly ordinary (what I'd say as lower middle class background).

My AIBU is AIBU to kiss old friends like this?

Is it normal to kiss old friends? It's definitely not an affectation, but I do wonder if it's either a class thing (not to) or a French thing (to kiss). Do men kiss women as a greeting in your group of friends?

OP posts:

Apolloanddaphne · 10/10/2019 22:35

I would say the males in my friendship group are not kissers. More handshake and manly thump on the back. There may be hugging if at a wedding or some such celebration and alcohol has been had. But no kissing. Ever. (Scottish and in our 50's if relevant)

Pipandmum · 10/10/2019 22:38

It’s a French thing, but more and more people are doing it here. But more likely a woman would kiss a woman friend as a greeting if they haven’t seen them for a while. Men wouldn’t normally unless very good friends (and wouldn’t kiss another man in my experience which I know is normal in other countries).
I just ran into a couple friends I hadn’t seen for over a year and I hugged them both as I don’t like kissing.

MamaWeasel · 10/10/2019 22:41

It's a French thing, my uncle lives in France and he's a kisser, as is his son who lives in Italy.

Gatehouse77 · 10/10/2019 22:51

I think it’s a combination of culture and upbringing. I have a Jewish background where females were expected to kiss practically everyone and males were greeted ‘heartily’. My own parents were not tactile.

Personally, I hate the expectation to greet with a kiss. I find it invasive and uncomfortable. I appreciate that those are my issues. In certain situations I will go along with it out of (outdated?) manners and because it would create an issue where there doesn’t need to be one. Most people in my life know I’m not tactile (except with immediate family) and don’t expect it from me. New people ‘learn’ quite quickly. Anyone who’s offended by my choice has their own issue.

Original poster

OhWhatACarveUp · 10/10/2019 22:57

If i think about it, my group of friends have never been kissers, but I have become so accustomed to kissing people after five years on the continent

OP posts:

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 10/10/2019 23:00

You can't be unaware that France has different social norms to (I presume) the UK!?

How did you used to greet them 5 years ago? How did they greet you? You should probably go with that.

I have a couple of male friends who insist on kissing when we greet. I'm a bit meh about it, apart from the one who is soggy, yuck.

Leeds2 · 10/10/2019 23:01

I don't like being kissed. Quite happy with a "hello." A hug if they must.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/10/2019 23:01

London's gone mental - I get TRIPLE kissed constantly

FizzyIce · 10/10/2019 23:02

Our friends always do, men and women .
I suppose we’re middle class but don’t think that’s got anything to do with it .. maybe it has ?

Original poster

OhWhatACarveUp · 10/10/2019 23:06

You can't be unaware that France has different social norms to (I presume) the UK!

I’m very aware that the French are kissers (and so has become a habit). But I also wondered whether it was a class thing that meant me and old friends didn’t typically kiss (as someone above mentioned that she is a kisser)

OP posts:

underground76 · 10/10/2019 23:18

I’m a woman and close male (and female) friends generally give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek as a greeting. I’m not that touchy-feely in general at all but a big hug and a kiss from close mates is fine. I have a very brother-sister type relationship with my best male friends.

underground76 · 10/10/2019 23:19

Oh, and class-wise, I come from a working class background and my extended family on both sides are all huggers and kissers.

runoutofnamechanges · 10/10/2019 23:52

It's the norm in my social circle in London (all classes) and has been since I can remember (the 80s). But there are triple kissers, lip kissers, non kissers and everything in between. If your friends weren't kissers 5 years ago, they probably aren't now...

I believe Debrett's suggests that 2 kisses, starting with the right cheek is the appropriate way to greet a friend socially but you shouldn't kiss someone the first time you are introduced and it is not rude to offer your hand (to shake) if you don't want to kiss.

I know this because some pretentious fool decided to berate a friend for kissing him when they were first introduced. She delivered the perfect response of "Well, if you had manners, you wouldn't need to consult Debrett's."

CountFosco · 11/10/2019 00:06

I think it's a foreign thing. I come from Scotland, no-one of any class ever kisses there (except possibly a single kiss for your maiden great aunty at Christmas time when she's had a sherry). Not too keen on hugging historically TBH. Moved to a university in the south of the country where half the (graduate) students were from overseas and had a lot of friends from Southern Europe and South America. We all kissed each other all the time and then I married into a foreign family and they all kiss. DH and I moved to north of England and no-one we know here kisses (very middle class friendship group).

grumpypregnanttired · 11/10/2019 05:00

I hate it! I lived in Italy and found it an utter nightmare all this kissing and not knowing exactly who to kiss or when... oh it makes me cringe just thinking about it. Then again, I’m not even crazy about hugging.

grumpypregnanttired · 11/10/2019 05:02

Should add, I’m middle class and from Sussex. Nobody I know kisses and I can imagine everyone would cringe just as much if I did I put in that situation!

rededucator · 11/10/2019 05:12

Or lived in Egypt and VN and the go to with expats it the double kiss. At home in Scotland with family and friends we are huggers. My Irish husband and family are opposite and find hugging and handshake greetings and departures very formal. Whereas my scot family cannot hug each other enough. I think what's ever normal for you is your normal

Nearlyadad · 11/10/2019 05:17

So your friends never kissed on greeting before, now you’re surprised that they’re taken aback by you kissing them?

Okay...

Monty27 · 11/10/2019 05:30

It's become part of your social etiquette but maybe not theirs as yet. Maybe try to remember not to do it. I think it's lovely.
And I come from a non kissy culture too although I think everyone is getting used to it as being a norm . even my family
Don't worry about it.

Original poster

OhWhatACarveUp · 11/10/2019 05:39

So your friends never kissed on greeting before, now you’re surprised that they’re taken aback by you kissing them?

No, I’m not surprised and I’m absolutely not criticizing my friends. I was the weird one!

I’m surprised that after five years in France it has become second nature to me.

OP posts:

chatwoo · 11/10/2019 06:03

To answer your original question, yes you are being unreasonable to greet your make friends with a kiss.

Happy to help

littleorangecat22 · 11/10/2019 06:04

So European... I picked up the habit too and often forget why people think it's weird when not in Europe!

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 06:07

We have one couple we're friends with who do kisses and everyone else just does hugs, now I think of it. Never considered it before.

I'm not bothered either way and come from a 'working class' background but I'm not sure what 'class' I'd fall into now (higher than I was but I don't feel I'd ever be middle class, sounds a bit posh )

Wallywobbles · 11/10/2019 06:12

I live in France but female. I grew up kissing friends and relatives but hug and kiss UK friends.

Wallywobbles · 11/10/2019 06:15

I grew up in the UK - midlands posh.

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