To ask how the hell to cope with dd9

[SevenOhFour]

Dd9 has always been a lovely girl. So lovely. Would do anything for anyone. So kind and gentle. Have had an inkling she may be asd from younger (sensory and routine issues etc) but as she had no issues with relationships or school was told no reason to assess.

Fast forward to about age 6 or 7, violent outbursts started. Usually when something was unexpected (wrong socks or no time to go to shop we had planned etc) anyway we are hopefully on the waiting list to diagnose asd. Although I'm not confident we will get a diagnosis as she is perfect at school.
She is so big though now, she's on age 12 to 13 clothes, she can really cause damage. Her and her brother were shoving each others paper of the table this evening. I told them both to stop, he did, she didn't, I told her to stop again or she would have to go to bed. She continues and also threw his pens all over the floor. I told her to go to bed and she went mad saying I'm not allowing her to do her homework. I told her no she's not doing her homework now she just needs to go to bed.

She started hitting me and throwing her brothers work. Snatched me phone and hid it. My 3yo and 7yo sons are scared at this point. I try to give her space but she's following me round the house attacking me.

I told her to go to her room and she started throwing things down the stairs, full 1ltr bottles of water, her sisters belongings and school books, threw her sisters new phone charger (as in, amazon delivered it 3 hours ago) and the rabbit has chewed it up.

She's punches kicked and stole my glasses, I've restrained her as much as possible and told her she has no tablet for the rest of the week. She doesn't give a shit, she doesn't care, I don't even know how to deal with her, she's big and strong. She is 9 for fuck sake I should be able to deal with this. I've had enough I just don't know what to do

Cherry but as you say, you've had training. I certainly couldn't physically make my dd move when she's in full force!

Her father (my xh) has done everything you've suggested. It hasn't made an ounce of difference. I'm fact he's finally stepped back and trying my approach (although he would never admit that) and things have been calmer there too. In fact, I think his approach is what exasperated the whole situation and set her on edge.

My daughter has ASD. I found that year 2 and year 5 at school were the worst times for this behaviour. Also the only thing that works when she becomes aggressive is to show no judgment of her behaviour whatsoever. Just to tell her I love her and speak quietly and gently to her and to cuddle her and keep cuddling her no matter how much she tries to get away. We do a five point scale too so as she starts to become heightened I will ask her where she is on the scale between 1 - 5. This helps her to actually think about her anxiety rather than just run with it. It's not easy to do when your very strong child is screaming abuse and attacking you but someone has to stay calm. I found by doing this we went from three hour meltdowns to around ten minutes and tearful apologies and needing huge reassurance that she is still loved. I'm not saying it will work for everyone but we went from daily meltdowns to one every six weeks, if that, and they usually happen at the end of term when she's exhausted and struggling with the change in routine. Turning my back, walking away and ignoring never worked because she simply couldn't manage her fear and anxiety alone.

Cherry no offence but no advice you've given would help my daughter. It would just tip her into another meltdown.

OP could hormones be playing a role here?

How long has this been going on for?

Yes it's likely hormones making it worse. She had maybe a few years between the end of the toddler tantrums and these meltdowns being really bad, got a lot worse age about 6 or 7.

I used to be able to just give her space and then comfort when she calmed down, but now it's like she's looking for a fight, she follows and antagonises and attacks. I really don't think she's just naughty because this behaviour can be a couple of times a week but it's usually maybe one or twice a month, the really bad ones maybe once every couple of months. In between these she isn't even slightly badly behaved, she's so considerate, polite, plays with her siblings, helps out without being asked