To ask what you prioritise as a parent...

[stilltiredinthemorning]

I wrote a thread a while ago about how knackered I was trying to parent my two very lively young children.

I'm still knackered!

I have a pretty full on job (only 25 hours a week though) and my husband works loooooong often anti-social hours.

We bought a much bigger house when our second one came along as we thought it would be nice for the kids to have a large garden etc. However, the garden is far too big for us to manage and just seems to be another thing for me to feel stressed/guilty about. I wonder if we'd have been better to keep our smaller house, but have less financial pressure...

I similarly worry we're not on top of the house, hideously badly organised, not eating well (us, not the kids), don't see our friends enough, don't make time for ourselves or each other, don't have sex enough, don't manage our money well (see bad organisation) etc. etc. etc.

I worry (ironically) that I am becoming a stressed out, grumpy parent who increasingly longs to be alone in a dark room...

I honestly don't think I can do it all. I'm sure some people can, but not me. What do you prioritise? I want my children to have a happy, relaxed childhood and to feel secure, safe and loved. I also don't want to have a nervous breakdown....

No advice just following for advice. Sick of getting home from work and not having the energy to do anything but watch TV with DS.

I prioritise making my life as easy as possible. Because when I’m stressed I’m a shit parent.

So I have a cleaner, because I don’t want to spend my time off with dd mopping! Also a MASSIVE wipe clean blank month calendar in the dining room. At the end of the month I write in meal plans, activities, appointments, events, what needs to be packed on certain days etc so it takes one look before bed for the next day so I don’t forget anything.

I let things slide. Not the big stuff, but if I’m knackered we get takeout and I worry about healthy food the next day. Pick my battles with dd, if she wants to wear odd shoes then it’s ok. I make sure my phone is away when it’s just us so that I’m concentrating on her. By equally I don’t feel bad if she’s engrossed in something and I’m on WhatsApp.

I say no! No to play dates at home when we’re busy, no to extra at work if I already have a lot on, no to going out if I’m knackered.

Life doesn’t always have to be fun and laughter, it does kids absolutely no harm whatsoever growing up learning how a busy household with working parents functions. As long as the good times outweigh the bad I’d say you’re doing pretty damn well.

I know it comes up a lot on here but going Team TOMM really helped me get on top of things. The house is under control, we have a meal plan and batch cook when we can(even if its just an extra portion for the freezer when i cook).

Bad weather is coming so sideline the garden until February/early march when you can get out and sort it for spring/summer. Book a day off work if you can/need to for you and DH to tackle it together without the children around.

Having children, working and having a house to run often means something has to give. My social life isnt great, we could do a lot a lot better but I'm no longer stressed 24/7 and rushing around all the time. The house is clean but lived in, we eat well, we make time for each other, the children are happy.

Perfect is impossible, so you just need to find where your give point is and go from there.

Thank you Mustard that's exactly the sort of advice I was hoping for .

Sometimes it feels like all the things you 'should' be doing to make life better are just more things to fail at achieving...

Bit like when you've got fertility difficulties and people tell you you need to relax (don't get me started...)

We downsized. Absolute life changer. One day I realised we only properly used about half the house so we bought a house with the number of rooms we actually needed and, yes, a garden that is a manageable size. This means less house to clean and a more affordable mortgage.

As for organisation, we use a family organiser/calendar so we all know what each other is doing. Works a treat. We also try to eat dinner together and use this time to plan both short and long term logistics.

We do a little bit of housework every day to keep on top of it. Even just 15 or 20 minutes every day helps tremendously.

Note the use of "we": everyone in the family contributes, if you're carrying all the mental load for the whole family it's no wonder you're knackered.

Priorities

Cuddles for dc and telling them I love them. I admit dh slips down my list of priorities as Im so busy.

We both work but try and get a balance. Theres only us and we use breakfast and after school club

We go to church every week.

Im always on top of the laundry. Even with the cleaner helping Im always folding and sticking another load on.

Cooking fresh meals. I have Monday off and try and get on top of domestic situation then. Inc. Life admin which dh does a lot of. I do fall into eating more junk when winter sets in and work is busy.

We have a cleaner but dh and I share staying on top of the cleanliness.

Homework
Piano practice
Extra curricular activities for ds1 (9) take over my life: football twice, scouts, swimming.

Swimming for me 3x a week except when work is busy. Try and do it when dc have swimming lessons.

Get out in the fresh air at weekends
Try to see friends regularly
Family see monthly both sides, sometimes more often depending on plans.

Holidays: 2x a year abroad with kids, 1x a year city break abroad without kids, breaks without kids in the UK, trips with all of us plus friends and family in the UK.

Then waaaay down the priority list: DIY and tidying / organising house. Its really getting out of hand right now. We own too much stuff.

Gardening gets done on the 12th of never

I have tonnes of friends I see sort of annually or biannually or once every 2/3 years. Hey ho, we are all busy.

Ive probably forgotten something vital there.

So organising tips here's what I do:
Leave the garden till the spring, then possibly hire someone to come by every two/three weeks and just cut the grass if necessary
Cooking your now in the ideal time of year to use your slow cooker you can prep the night before.
Cleaning I would get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week to do the big clean and then all you need to do is run the odd hoover around do the dishes/laundry etc
I put aside one day off a week to do any "jobs" such as filing paperwork/paying bills etc then dedicate my other day off to the kids.
I also agree with my hubby one night a month that is my social night and go out to see friends, my hubby has one night for his social night and on pay day we get a movie off of sky/buy a dvd/ play a board game etc. and get a bottle of wine and a takeaway, phones go off and it is our night to spend solely with each other.
Hth

For the garden I would hire a one off gardener to sort it out now. Then it should look okay until spring.
I'm a fan of team TOMM as well and when working had a cleaner once a fortnight.
Online delivery and meal planning helps a lot.
Also working on decluttering helps our house feel calmer, until tat piles up again.
We do all dc's clubs during the week leaving weekends free.
But I don't think perfection exists to be honest.

Don't worry OP, you don't have time for a nervous breakdown!! And when you do eventually have time, you will no longer need one

Don't worry OP, you don't have time for a nervous breakdown!! And when you do eventually have time, you will no longer need one

This is the truest thing about parenting I’ve ever heard! Brilliant

I'd echo PP, downsizing is what worked for us. We went from a large 1930s house with an equally large mortgage to a 3 bed flat. It's purpose built, 1970s so very large. Ground floor with outside space, integral garage, takes about 5 mins to walk to school and my work is right next door, another 2 mins walk.....people thought we were mad but I bloody love it and do feel like we've made any sacrifice. Means I can work part time, takes less than an hour to do a general room to room clean, so it's at an acceptable standard and I can still have a wee bit of down time before ds finishes school.
Obviously down sizing is not for everyone but I think it's less about prioritising and more about simplifying life. Also agree that everyone has to be involved in keeping their areas clean and tidy.

I do prioritise housework, but not obsessively. Usually I’ll spend a couple of hours a day running round tidying up (SAHM), another couple of hours taking my daughter places (try to prioritise outdoor time for her), and another cooking reasonably healthy dinners.

We don’t spend a lot of time socialising or going on dates. Spare time we have individually goes on hobbies.

Cleaning I would get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week to do the big clean and then all you need to do is run the odd hoover around do the dishes/laundry etc

Yes, there’s no “big clean”.

Clean clothes, clean kitchen/bathroom, clean children, and food in the fridge. If the rest of the house is a bit of the tip, or sometimes stuff doesn't get ironed or whatever, etc etc, then meh. But as long as food prep area is clean, and the kids have food and are clean themselves, I'll take that as a win.

I prioritise
-time with family, just to talk with my husband, talk/read/go for walk with children
-eat together
-sleep enough

We don't have a big house, though could afford it, precisely because we didn't want debt and too much time spent on cleaning and maintenance.
We have a cleaner once a week.
I work full time but have a fairly easy commute and can work from home at least one day a week. On this day I often start very early or work in the evening but can collect the kids.
My husband has a similar schedule, can drop off the younger child (older goes to school with friends)
Twice a week children are picked up from school by a student who brings them home and also does some light chores, and dinner prep.
My mother in law (still working part time) collect them once a week, also has them for sleepover approximately every other weekend
We have an amazing neighbourhood with families helping each other, e.g. we collect a whole group of kids (5-6) or take to school, they do it for us, help over school holidays etc.
I plan and organize a lot. Have a very detailed home calendar with a plan for pickups and help for any out-of-ordinary events (from work travel to evening work or social events) well in advance.
In short I have a fairly nonstressful life but I have a lot of paid help and friend/family support, and I plan a lot.

We prioritised caring for the children from birth to reception most of the time ourselves. I fully understand that this isn't possible for many parents, but you did ask.

For some children, their parents are not the best carers - also has to be said!

1. Schools fees
2. Building a proper relationship with my children. Spending time with them, finding mutual interests etc.
3. Making sure that I don’t fall to pieces for fear of becoming a burden.

The rest really doesn’t matter. A messy house or a lazy meal or whatever isn’t going to have a negative impact on their development.

Here's my priority list:

1. children safe and fed
2. adults fed and exercised (keeps us sane)
3. work done to an acceptable standard
4. bills paid
5. housework done to an acceptable standard

We prioritise the children then time for us (a new thing since baby out of our room). Most jobs can wait unless they are stressing you out. We have a cleaner and someone to cut the grass. The cleaner has been life changing although we really need a tidy upper as well. I’ve realised unless I want up be tidying every night I’m not going to have an immaculate home but I’ve realised I don’t care for the next few years. It’s going to be more important to spend time with my husband of an evening.

Exercise is the one thing I wish we could make more time for. We need to make it more of a priority again.

I once had a friend who was a social worker, and asked her what the one thing she wished society/parents could do better for children. She said sitting having dinner together as a family most nights was number one.
Which I thought was very interesting and manageable for many.

I prioritise teeth brushing. There’s zilch negotiation there. Everything else I wing it. And I am doing alright with my two sidekicks as they seem to be well rounded, happy and full of daily wonders.

I think one of the reasons I really think about this so much is because both my children are adopted. I just really want them to have the happiest, calmest most loving childhood we can manage (which I know is obviously what all parents want for their kids!). It's not super important to me that they do well academically or have loads of amazing hobbies/talents etc. I just want them to be confident and resilient and happy with who they are.

I feel like my husband and I love each other and God knows, we certainly love our kids! We've got great family and friends are doing OK financially, so it should be within our power to give our kids that start. I just feel myself getting tied up with a load of stuff I know probably doesn't matter and being grumpy and stressed and forgetting that when they first came to us we were just so bloody GRATEFUL.

Personally I would prefer to go for a smaller house to free up money for activities out and about and so I wouldn't need to stress about money.

I prioritise going out a lot. I get house-bound quite easily and need trips outside for my own peace of mind - even if it's just for a walk into town.

Priorities were
Child health
Education in its widest sense
Relationship with husband
Career progression to allow greater financial security
Friendships for us all

Making life easier-
Garden waits or hire a gardener or enjoy a wildlife garden.

Three weekly menu with online ordering. Flexible, but in general simple healthy meals that were eaten. No room for fussiness in general, no persuasion to eat, no food rewards. Not much snacking. Three meals a day so no snacks necessary.
Teach children to dress and sort themselves out washing, lavatory, homework, music practice ASAP.
Large plastic storage tubs or wooden boxes for toys. Children tidy up before bed.
Children help with chores as a family activity.
Don’t iron if at all possible. Work shirts only. Get a regular babysitter that likes ironing and use them to give yourselves a night off.
Keep a supply of Birthday cards and presents, wrapping paper and sellotape. Supply of stamps.
Don’t keep loads of dust gathering ornaments etc.
Have sufficient clothes like underwear and uniform to reduce need to wash during the week. Make laundry your husbands responsibility.
Only buy one sort of socks so they always matched or decide odd socks are fine. Saves ages pairing. Different for each child or adult.
Colour coded hanging ribbons on towels and hang up to dry after use; reduce frequency of laundering to weekly.
Shared baths
Strict bedtime to give you evening time to be a couple.
Everything ready for next day - uniform, swimmers, book bag, after bath and before bed.
Don’t try and be too inventive with packed lunches. Half goes in the bin anyway and children don’t mind same thing every day.
Ensure a well stocked medicine and first aid cupboard to avoid panic dashes to a pharmacy.