To ask what you prioritise as a parent...

[stilltiredinthemorning]

I wrote a thread a while ago about how knackered I was trying to parent my two very lively young children.

I'm still knackered!

I have a pretty full on job (only 25 hours a week though) and my husband works loooooong often anti-social hours.

We bought a much bigger house when our second one came along as we thought it would be nice for the kids to have a large garden etc. However, the garden is far too big for us to manage and just seems to be another thing for me to feel stressed/guilty about. I wonder if we'd have been better to keep our smaller house, but have less financial pressure...

I similarly worry we're not on top of the house, hideously badly organised, not eating well (us, not the kids), don't see our friends enough, don't make time for ourselves or each other, don't have sex enough, don't manage our money well (see bad organisation) etc. etc. etc.

I worry (ironically) that I am becoming a stressed out, grumpy parent who increasingly longs to be alone in a dark room...

I honestly don't think I can do it all. I'm sure some people can, but not me. What do you prioritise? I want my children to have a happy, relaxed childhood and to feel secure, safe and loved. I also don't want to have a nervous breakdown....

Ahh that post is gorgeous OP. You are lovely.

My parents adopted me when I was 10. As a parent now I prioritise the things they instilled into me; quality time with the DC, hobbies that make us happy and adventures together. My parents weren't the most organised, nor the most calm, but I loved every moment with them as a child; we still laugh about our adventures now and it's like life has gone full circle taking Granny off to Disneyland with us and losing her in a ride queue.

So we have a cleaner who comes three times a week so the house is lovely. We have a gardener once a fortnight year-round so the garden is gorgeous. We have a dog walker on the days I work so the pups are happy. We should probably invest a little more in doing the house up but we spend more of our salaries on travelling with the DC than most families do, and I suppose that's a priority.

For me outsourcing those jobs means the times we're home together are always 'ours'. It's a huge luxury, but if you can outsource anything like it, do it. It makes such a difference because my stress levels are always low now that I'm not trying to juggle 40 things each night.

Also, we have an entire wall in the kitchen covered in chalk paint that we call the "wow" wall. So spellings go on there, certificates, reminders, updates, anything we need to celebrate and remember goes there. I check it each night before bed and pack the DC's bags accordingly. Mornings run more smoothly because of it, and the DC write their "wow" of the day so we can all celebrate the best things about their day. It sounds cheesy but I love it.

OP, you don't have to be grateful all the time, it's fine to be tired, pissed of or grumpy sometimes. These are all healthy emotions as well.
We had ivf for our dc, we are very grateful. But it doesn't mean we have to always parent on a higher plane of being. It means we have the luxury of normal, sometimes ragged round the edges parenting that other parents have.

Clothes washed. Dinner cooked. Dishes done. Time with dc. Time for myself. (Not all necessarily in that order but those are my priorities). We all need to be kinder to ourselves. Nobody ever died of a ready meal for tea. Your kids won’t grow up remembering how many days a week you hoovered, but they will remember the time you spent together. And that time doesn’t have to be extravagant; a movie and popcorn is lovely, playing Lego together, little things.
I’m not saying it’s easy (and writing it down is a reminder to me that I’ve been stressing about things that don’t need to be stressed about!) I also keep extra curriculars to a minimum, as I know I struggle to run about here there and everywhere (and actually I think modern kids are over scheduled anyway).

Cherrypavlova wish I was you! You really sound like you have your sh*t together! A cleaner every fortnight has changed my life. Getting the children to do some stuff themselves helps. I also let my DD go on her iPad so I can read my book when I am tired, otherwise I would never get time to relax! I do the bare minimum cooking and I just try to have fun time on weekends mainly. Week nights are just homework and routine stuff during term time, but I think as long as we have fun time together on Saturdays and Sundays that’s okay!

Thanks fudgebrownie 😊 I also had a lovely childhood and I'm trying to learn from that as much as I can. My Mum was young when I was born and a single parent with no support at all (or contact) from my Dad. She did two degrees while bringing me up and we actually shared a bedroom for a fair few years. I'm sure she did lots of brilliant things with me, but the ones I really remember are usually pretty simple and involve food, music, being allowed to stay up and telly!!

I do wish I could have been a younger Mum with a bit more energy... I pretty much thought she was a rock star growing up (still do)

We prioritised caring for the children from birth to reception most of the time ourselves. I fully understand that this isn't possible for many parents, but you did ask.

Can I ask, what do you think this meant to your children? Meant to you? Achieved?

I’ve prioritised my sen kids developmental needs over my own career and money. I work with them most of the day and have focused everything on finding out what works to directly help.

Great suggestions in this thread. Absolutely wish I could afford a cleaner but also things work pretty efficiently so house never too bad.

Can I ask, what do you think this meant to your children? Meant to you? Achieved?

That’s a little defensive, isn’t it? I thought that poster was perfectly open about the fact that she knows that a parent being at home isn’t possible for everyone, but she prioritised it. Nobody else on the thread is getting the third degree.

Sorry seaweed it was a completely genuine question , I was asking for the posters views and to expand on their point because I was genuinely interested - I had meant to add this in my post.

imalloutofideas

Fair enough.

I once had a friend who was a social worker, and asked her what the one thing she wished society/parents could do better for children. She said sitting having dinner together as a family most nights was number one.
I've heard someone else in a similar role say the same thing, that and regular reasonable bedtimes.

Mummadeeze Mine are grown now, so might be rose tinted spectacles!
I had to be organised as husband was juggling three jobs and often away from home overnight at conferences etc.

In terms of adoption, my niece was adopted at eight weeks. Her mother spent about two years trying to be perfect and feeling she had to be ever happy and grateful. It was a huge strain. The child was at risk of serious overprotective parenting. My SIL was wanting to give her perpetual happiness. Huge mistake! Perpetual happiness isn’t achievable or good for children. Once she’d accepted she didn’t have to prove to herself she was a better mother than everyone else she could enjoy being a mother far more. The child is now 26 and just become a mother herself. She survived less than perfection very well and is an absolutely delightful, confident, content young woman.

I prioritise relationships, as far as possible. Wether thats skipping the tidying to go splash in puddles with my DD or bunging a pizza in the over for tea because cooking will make me/my partner grumpy.

We also bought a house with a large garden for DC buggers hardly ever went outside after the toddler stage! I had big plans for that garden but have now mostly turned it into a wildlife/nature garden with just enough trimming that it doesn't completely look like waste land.

Same with the house. Our small house was immaculate but standards have dropped considerably. I think that's normal TBH, stately homes are shabby compared to most two bed terraces

My one main priority was a proper home cooked evening meal around the table.

I prioritise sleep and laundry

Cleaner to do a proper clean once every two weeks. All I do is wipe/hoover. Cleaner also does the beds.

Washing 4 loads a week split between DH and me.

I do a big shop once a week then pick up bits as we go. Can be delivery/click and collect or I go after school with both DS.

DH does most of the cooking and all the ironing as his shirts need doing so he does school uniform too.

I do most of running DSs around for play dates/clubs but I work part time so is easier for me. Wrap around for the days I work (3)

DM does our garden as she loves gardening. V lucky but it’s not massive!

My tips:

Meal Prep - I only cook 3x a week and save it in glass storage in fridge and it does all the other meals.
Take away once a week.
Dishwasher
Not having loads of toys for kids. Going through toys, clothes and books every 6 months so you don’t have these piles of rubbish building up.

Cleaning TOMM but often get fed up of the regime but still it’s got me mostly on top of stuff.
Only a few extra lessons. And where possible like music lessons, they come to the house.
Keeping things simple. Don’t buy loads. Don’t cook a fancy meal every night. Don’t have endLess amounts of clothes. Don’t try and do everything. Cut down.
Only iron now and then.
Almost all shopping online.
Combine chores whenever possible.
E.g. I do getting up kids, helping sen dressed, kids lunches, breakfasts, some house work, packing bags, my teeth, shower, feeding dog, open windows, drink water, make beds, clean surfaces kitchen, quick bathrooms, all in about 45 minutes in the morning. Roll stuff together and it becomes really easy and routine.

Daily do something nice. Say something positive to the teenager. Tickle the toddler. Pat the dog. Notice the garden flowers.

Then have adventures! Punctuate your daily lives with mini and big adventures. It doesn’t matter whether it’s day trips or abroad, it’s the change of scene.

And keeping up with family and friends. That’s so important. I make lists and lists and often have to put in ‘see friends! Contact friends! See family!’ And it does work.

As long as my children go to sleep every night feeling clean, safe, fed, warm and loved, then everything else is negotiable.

In no particular order...

Teeth brushed
Tidy & clean kitchen
Homework completed and checked
Swimming lessons
Healthy meals 90% of the time
Piano lessons
Good choice of books
Try to limit iPad time
Fresh air
Clean clothes, faces and hair groomed

I turn a blind eye to some other things (3 kids, something's gotta give)

Sleep - youngest is 5 and often still sleeps with us
Matching socks
Having a tidy car
Messy bedrooms
Extra curricular activities. Swimming is non negotiable and one child does piano. The other two do none

Are you me OP? The bloody garden.... We thought before we moved here that it wasn't big enough. We were so wrong, we can't manage it!

I prioritise....
Health. Everybody fed well (I'm turning into my mother...).
Time together doing simple things, playing outside, a walk, low key UK holidays by the beach
We do prioritise life admin eg the finances, bills, because security is important to us.

What probably slips by the wayside:

• DH and I (me especially) see less of friends than we used to, especially those we had pre kids.
• My house is a bit messy. Pretty messy.

I don't get time for my appearance so much - I should exercise more and lose a few pounds. I get zero "grooming" type beauty procedures, dont really wear makeup..

I'm ok with the balance of priorities.

I make time to sit down and talk to my girls after school and again before bed time. I make sure all the clothes are washed, dried and put away every weekend. Theres nothing more depressing than a growing pile of ironing. I tidy up every day so only need to clean once a fortnight.

Oh, ironing...

I don't do that either

Oh I'm so with you. I started a new job not so long ago and life does feel like it's overtaking me more and more and it's tough to keep up.
I guess my priorities are

• DS and for him 1)clean, fed, homework etc, 2) trying to spend 'quality' /121 time with him playing etc 3) additional bits and bobs like days out, or encouraging additional educational stuff
• The house - keeping it hygenic (dishwasher, trying to prevent laundry taking over the house, ensuring there's something to eat in, basic tidying up/ cleaning to keep it tolerable)
• spending time with DH

Then if any time or energy

• the other house stuff like DIY, mowing the lawn, sorting out outgrown clothes etc (many many many of these jobs are on the list!)
• me time/ exercise (which I've not managed since starting new job)
• trying to see my friends (😂, like they get chance either!)

I work similar hours to you OP and DH works away alot. Every day is different, but I do try not to sweat the small stuff. I used to stress about the state of the house if anyone, like a school mum, would be popping in but given up on that - I don't have the energy to run round cleaning in my spare half hour after getting in from work, when actually I could do something nicer like sit with a hot cup of tea and browse the Internet for the first time all day.
Life changes too. Despite always thinking I'd never do it I have nw found an ironing lady who picks up and delivers and actively looking for a cleaner. I don't go out out so feel I could splash out on £30 a week to save me the stress of the bits of house hold chores I hate doing! Life is too short.

All fed, no one dead.

Less glibly (and in order of importance) -

All fed well (balanced diet over the week, with plenty of scope for healthy home cooked meals alongside convenience and a little bit of junk). Mealtimes for talking, and some for listening to shared audiobooks while the kids eat and I do chores around them, and some on the sofa for movie night or chill time.

No one dead ... tired. And no one dead to their feelings - time to talk before bedtime, and cuddles before going to sleep and on waking. Counselling, listening, being properly present.

No one dead bored. Activities and the practice, prep and practicalities that go with them - supervising music practice, right kit for sports stuff on right days, forms and subs and admin and diarising. Encouraging interests or bolstering confidence when it wanes. Fostering friendships by hosting. Adults in jobs that matter to them, stretching where needed and pulling back when able.

No animals dead! Everything that goes with a menagerie.

No one dead to possibility- travel, adventure, family & friends. Being in a good enough financial position to say yes to plans.

Things that bother me but don’t make it up the chain to regular to dos - or rarely/sporadically etc:

‘Proper’ housework (if laundry, dishes, floors and kitchens/bathrooms are a given, all the rest - dusting, ironing, windows etc)

Gardening- we’ve gone wild! Desperately wanted a garden, overwhelmed by it now I’ve got it. Like the housework, it’s essentials o my - grass, hedges.

Decorating/DIY/organising/‘projects’

Far-flung friends

Self-improvement/hobbies

Basically I want my DC to be confident and resilient and healthy. I invest most of my time in that.