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Original poster

To feel that everyone is having more sex than me?

47 replies

MumMissingOut · 10/10/2019 17:11

Just that really...I can't remember the last time and I feel like we're the only couple not having it. We have a toddler so our sex life has taken a massive knock. It's not even on the back burner anymore...it has been put back in the fridge!

We still cuddle and hold hands with the odd quick kiss so there's a bit of intimacy still there but that's it. The lack of sex is definitely due to a joint effort (or lack of!) so there's no blame, bitterness or pointing the finger between us.

Please tell me we're not the only couple going through this kind of dry spell!

OP posts:
Miztique · 10/10/2019 17:13

So how long since the last time?
Also, I'm sure you're not the only one!

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2019 17:13

Have you looked on the Relationships board? Hardly anyone seems to be having sex these days. You’re not alone by any means.

Ginger1982 · 10/10/2019 17:15

You're not alone. DH and I haven't had sex for a few weeks. Both work full time and we have a toddler. I'm knackered come bed time! Going to make an effort this weekend. I think sometimes you do need to 'schedule' these things! Grin

CmdrCressidaDuck · 10/10/2019 17:19

How does the toddler sleep?

What's the work/domestic split like with both of you?

It sounds like you'd quite like to do it - do you initiate it and if so what happens? Have you discussed the change in your sex life?

Sex certainly takes a knock most times when DC are small - but I think it's got to be out in the open and you've got to both honestly assess whether you're happy with the frequency and quality, and if not, what you can do to change things.

It's also a bit of a "use it or lose it" thing - sometimes if you go too long without it, something that way sort of dies between you. People do obviously come back from long droughts, but it's tough.

Original poster
MumMissingOut · 10/10/2019 17:27

It has been months now. DH is FT, I'm PT so I tend to do most of the day to day housework during the week and he does a lot at the weekend. We've talked about how we both miss the intimacy but we both find we're just too tired to do anything about it.

To be fair to our DD she actually sleeps well at night. She's just a handful during the day so once she's in bed it's nice to sit down and switch off.

I agree Ginger, I think extra effort to schedule it in this weekend is going to be key.

OP posts:
EmmiJay · 10/10/2019 17:29

So why not initiate it whilst your together in the evening? Sit on his lap or something or are you too shy??

CmdrCressidaDuck · 10/10/2019 17:32

I think you just have to initiate then. Make a commitment to each other to give it a try next time one of you initiates and go with it. Book it in and prioritise it. One toddler who sleeps well doesn't sound like an insuperable barrier.

We do find we have most of our sex at the weekend these days as DH has a tiring commute. But it's important to both of us to keep our sexual connection alive so we will effectively "schedule" it if we have to.

CormacMcLaggen · 10/10/2019 17:34

Sit on his lap or something

I agree, nice and subtle.

Original poster
MumMissingOut · 10/10/2019 17:34

Not too shy just bloody knackered. By that time all I want to do is drink a hot cup of tea in peace. Then we're both too tired and fall asleep on the sofa.

OP posts:
CmdrCressidaDuck · 10/10/2019 17:39

...that seems like slightly excessive tiredness, tbh? I've got two full-on boys, one of whom still wakes at night, DH and I both have quite demanding jobs and longish commutes, and we aren't falling asleep on the sofa. Are you both getting exercise and have decent sleep hygiene? How long have you been back at work for? I get that toddlers are knackering, believe me, but both passing out on the sofa every night seems a bit out of the norm.

darkcloudsandrainstorms · 10/10/2019 17:41

Sunday morning. Pencil it in.

itreallyisanicefence · 10/10/2019 17:43

You're having more sex than me

Clettercletterthatsbetter · 10/10/2019 17:45

You’re not alone. I have a pre-schooler, a toddler and am pregnant. I also have zero sex drive right now, so I also can’t remember the last time it happened!

Crystal87 · 10/10/2019 17:46

Have an early night, go up to bed as soon as your child's in bed, even if it's just a quickie. My DP and I have it regularly and we have four young kids so I know what it's like to be tired but sometimes once you get started you get into it and enjoy it.
I'm not saying have sex if you don't want to, but maybe give it a chance even if you're tired.

WagtailRobin · 10/10/2019 17:50

Some people will disagree but I believe the physical aspect of a relationship is important and you do have to try to keep it going, despite tiredness, other pressures etc.

As others have suggested, schedule it, initiate it, just do it. Good Luck!

Ginger1982 · 10/10/2019 18:09

It sounds like you both have relatively similar sex drives which also helps. Major problems start happening when partners are out of sync in that respect.

Metalhead · 10/10/2019 18:39

DH and I average about once a month. I’ve tried to make an effort at times to make it once a week, or every other week, but it always dwindles back to once a month. With two kids there’s just so little time in the evenings for things like hobbies, reading and watching TV that there never seems to be a good moment.

sorrythisusernameisinuse · 10/10/2019 18:56

We barely do and we don't have kids. We're very much a couple but yeah our sex life has completely dried up.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 10/10/2019 19:19

My mum once told me

"Those who talk about it most do it least" 🤣

We re both knackered so maybe 1/2 times a month but we've been on an awful ttc journey for the few years and just had to have my second and final tube removed due another ruptured ectopic pregnancy and so we are only just getting used to the fact that sex will never be about making a baby again for us. I can't remember the last time sex wasn't about making a baby so I think it will take is a while to find our new normal

PookieDo · 10/10/2019 19:20

I haven’t had sex for 18 months! Blush

MustShowDH · 10/10/2019 19:21

Been married 9 yrs.

I don't think my husband has even kissed me since New Years Eve.

Living the dream...….

SprinkleDash · 10/10/2019 19:22

Kids kill sex lives stone dead!

A good technique is to set a time limit. It doesn’t sound sexy but it can be really funny. So say ‘right tonight we’re going to have a quickie and we’ve got 5 minutes’! The goal is not an orgasm (great if you can) it’s just to be close even for a little while.

Knowing it will only last 5 minutes is manageable for even the most tired person.

footballmum · 10/10/2019 19:24

Babies?! Toddlers?! Try having teenagers! Who go to bed hours later than us and see and hear everything! Passion killing, fridge raiding, smelly, noisy bastards Grin

TrueFriendsStabYouInTheFront · 10/10/2019 19:25

I also think this! Even my single friends get more sex than me and I'm married! We've done it probably once in the last year Sad he's 46 and I'm 29. Ladies, a cautionary tale...

Orangecake123 · 10/10/2019 19:26

OP you're having more than single me waiting until I get married (and I'm already 28 now). Grin

Make more time for each other- early shower/ whatever. It sounds super sexy but schedule it in like having to get the car sorted.

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