To ask if I have the right to be annoyed

[CupidIsFired]

DM babysits for me while I work. It was her suggestion from the day I told her I was pregnant. I have suggested nursery but she was insistent that she wanted to babysit. Told me I could go back full time but I decided I only wanted to do 3 days. My shifts are usually between 9 and 12 hours long and I am a single mum so I'm very grateful of my DMs help. Recently though she's made comments about how difficult DD Has been or how she can't wait for her "days off" which I get. DD is 17 months and can be a handful, much like many toddlers her age. Next week the kids are off school here and my work asked me yesterday if there's a chance I can pick up an extra shift next week, I said I'll asked my DM. So I asked her yesterday, she told me yes that's fine as long as it wasn't Tuesday as she has an appt. So I told my work yes.
Rota was posted today (they're terrible for late posting of rotas but good for me another ways) and I'm working an extra shift on Monday. I usually work Fri, Sat and Sun. Told DM this morning when rota was posted I am working Monday. Her face changed, I said is that ok? She stalled a little and said "i think I have something on" so I asked if she was able to check and she said she'd have to check her phone which was upstairs so she'll text me as I was leaving at this point. She never usually keeps a diary or anything, and never writes anything in her phone either. So anyway as I was leaving she asked if I was annoyed, i said a little bit because i made sure it would be ok with you before telling my boss anything and now I have to mess them about when they're short staffed, otherwise they wouldn't have asked me to work extra in the first place. My mum started yelling at me and saying I had no right to be annoyed as she's doing me a favour. But I tried to explain that it was annoying that I made sure it was ok with you, less than 24 hours ago, and now it's not. She said some nasty things, told me I need to find other childcare from now on.

Yesterday also she made a "joke" DD was crying because I wouldn't let her play in the cupboard under the sink (terrible mother lol) and my DM asked what's she crying for, I replied "as usual she wants things that she can't have" to which DM replied "like a father?" And laughed. DD'S dad decided when she was 11 months old that he doesn't want anything to do with her anymore and I haven't seen or heard from him since. So this really hurt me and I actually cried. But I'm on my period right now so might be being overly sensitive. But also I don't know if this is clouding my judgement of today's situation.

AIBU or is DM?

well, it's been a good run but time to get formal childcare in place? seems like it's harder for your mum than she anticipated (retired? probably hadn't realised how much she was looking forward to being footloose and fancy free)

good luck

It’s a difficult one as you rightly point out she is doing you a massive favour. That aside she doesn’t sound she is being vile to you. Would you be able to afford childcare? If so I think I’d be inclined to do this. Then you don’t have to worry all the time about this kind of thing. Your mum might be more likely to help out then on extra shifts.. Is she in good health? She may just be really tired and not wanting to tell you it’s too much for her.

I think you would be better off with other childcare as it sounds like the arrangement that was working potentially isn’t now and could cause you a lot of stress in the long run. I agree with the other poster that said maybe she can’t manage it now even if she thought she could. She should never have cracked the like a father joke that was really poor form and completely inappropriate I would be so cross and upset over that too, I don’t think you are being one bit unreasonable about that!

I think some grandparents agree to do childcare thinking about tiny babies and forget how hard work they are when they're toddlers.

Could you possibly look into childcare for at least half of the time? Lighten the load for her?

God that father comment is horrible. I actually gasped.

I think you need to try and find as much alternate childcare as you can. It isn’t working anymore and you need to try and salvage things before you end up resenting each other.

You are not unreasonable. Just because she is doing you a favour it doesn't give her the right to treat you like shit. Find alternative child care asap as your child will pick up on the resentment your mum is obviously feeling about it.

I think your mum might be finding it harder and more tiring than she expected. She should not have made the father comment. That was awful. I wonder if it slipped out because she has been thinking how hard things are without because she is trying to pick up the slack for you and make sure you and little one don't struggle too much. No excuse though. I wonder if little one going to a nursery in the mornings on the days you work and then your mum collecting at 12 might help. I'm not too up on the eligibility criteria but will your child be entitled to some free child care the term after they are two? - I know some are.

If they are entitled to childcare at 2 there is a light in sight in terms of lightening the childcare load.

I think that was a shitty thing for her to say. Really spiteful.
And it's not a massive favour if she constantly reminds you and makes you feel bad for doing what she offered - at that point it becomes more trouble than it's worth!
I think you do need to get your DD into nursery though. You will feel a million times better not being beholden to your mum.

The dig about a father was nasty. You were right to cry.

Can you get some other childcare? It's obviously too much for her, or she feels put-upon.

I look after my dgd sometimes. She's 7 and co-operative. A delight. When her parents come home I stagger to bed, exhausted. Your mum might be finding it too much but not know how to say so nicely.

Long 9 to 12 hour shifts with a small child can be lonely and exhausting. How many parents on here often feel that their time at work is a rest in comparison to their time at home childminding? I can see that a fourth day in a row of such long hours of child care might have seemed daunting to your mum. Having said that ...it's a pity she hadn't said it would be too much for her in the first place.

As a grandma myself I have lots of granny friends. Some love the childminding days but some admit that when they offered they hadn't realized how tiring/tying it would be but having offered don't now feel they can back track. The ones who enjoy it most seem to be those doing it part time and who have a granddad also on hand for help and company.

You say your shifts are 9-12 hours op. When you add that extra day that's 36 hours childcare plus however long your commute is. Basically full time ...even more if the shifts are 12 hours.

I don't necessarily think you need to rely on a nursery all the time and it would be a terrible extra expense for you plus the hours might not be totally suitable. I think you need to have a calm chat with your mum. She is doing you a huge favour. Take her a bunch of flowers and ask her to tell you honestly whether the current arrangement works for her. Maybe suggest 2 days with her and one at nursery. Then either agree that on 2 days you can ask her the odd extra day if work comes up or agree that you won't accept extra work and she will only be asked to do a third if your child is too sick to attend nursery.

Good luck with all this op. If you can keep your mum happy she is a massive resource for you and one which will be a huge help to you right through the primary school years when after school and holiday care can also cost a fortune. Hope it gets sorted in ways which you and your mum are both happy with.

Yanbu OP that’s disgusting.

That’s a sort of thing my mother would say too I’m similar. She does some school runs for me and thinks she’s entitled to be a total knob to me for the privilege.

I had a go at my OP for taking the nick out of her and making my mum make her multiple teas one evening (she eats all foods doesn’t really not like anything she was just being fussy; but nana s wrapped around her little finger!)

My mum stood up for her and I explained why she shouldn’t make her multiple teas and I got a text later on saying “I’ll just shove a feeding tube down her throat next time” absolutely vile!

It’s sad but true that the closer people are in a relationship to you some think they can push boundaries and get away with certain things.

*mick

This is a shame OP; I have been through slightly similar as my DM insisted I stopped looking at nurseries as she wanted to have DS but then various problems arose. However, she didn't say anything as vile as the father comment. If you decide that's out of character and want to get past it then changing your childcare arrangements gradually may be best.

Part of it is probably the long days - now she's getting to 18 months, could you find a nursery near your Mum's which will take your DD for 3 half days and if your Mum then wants to collect her so they still spend some time together she might enjoy it more?

We got through the difficult phase this way and now DS has such a close relationship with my Mum.

She had romanticised how much she would like looking after her DGC. The reality of being with an active toddler is actually much harder. She feels guilty and now a bit put upon. You are frustrated. All totally understandable, no-one's fault as such.

Time for an honest chat. Would she like one day per week with DGC, or would she prefer you arranged full time childcare elsewhere?

I too gasped at the Father comment. Wow, that’s really, really nasty. :(

Find alternative childcare and tell this vile women to piss off... that Father comment was disgusting.

What she said about the father was absolutely terrible and I hope you receive a sincere apology soon. I would get your daughter into a lovely nursery or childminder. Your mum has clearly forgotten how much it takes to look after a baby/toddler and is regretting her offer. If you cannot afford childcare look at universal credit as they can help with paying for it.

I'd make other childcare arrangements for all your regular shifts.
Then find out if DM is willing to childmind for any additional time.

Your DM was unreasonable to say she'd do an extra day, then back out.
It's probably the result of her finding the childminding more stressful than she expected.

I think you’re unreasonable to be annoyed that she can’t babysit, it’s not her fault that your work can’t organise a rota in time. The father comment is downright nasty though.

She's 47, and she has no health problems she has my stepfather too who will always help her if he's not at work. Actually he offered to take my DD to his parents house this weekend to give my mum a break.
The only thing with nursery is that i work mainly weekends, are there nurseries that run on weekends? Or is a childminder my best bet? I can't really afford it tbh but I don't want to give up work as that is the only thing that keeps me sane. I was (think I maybe am) suffering with PND I was having counselling but it's finished now. I felt better, but the thought of giving up work depresses me. I have no friends in this city so I'm incredibly lonely. Work is my only social thing. I take DD to toddler groups but the mum's there are not really the sort of people I would hang out with (I mean i would but they don't seem keen)
I have a membership at the local softplay which is 15 mins on the bus from DMs, I told her she can take her there as they have a large toddler area so she can run around and then DM can kind of relax knowing DD can run around and not really hurt herself. Just have to watch she doesn't grab another kids hair or whatever but she hasn't done that in a while. Also one of the toddler groups we go to have an open gym everyday, so she can take her there too and there's always other grandparents there. But she insists on taking her shopping, and DD wants to walk around and explore obviously so doesn't want to be stuck in her pram and she can't be left to walk around a shop. So when my DM moans that she wouldn't behave while out shopping I often want to ask her what she expects? But I just apologise on my DDs behalf.
My mum hasn't worked in over 10 years so I guess she's not used to actually having to do so much, so I understand she gets tired. I just wish she was open about it, if she told me she didn't want to babysit the extra day then I would be fine. I actually said to her when I asked that I don't mind if she didn't as I wasn't bothered about the extra shift anyway. But nevermind. I guess I'll have to figure out how to get childcare for DD. I'm just feeling very emotional today, I can't stop crying and I just needed to rant too. Thank for the replies everyone.

YANBU. It was nice of your DM to do it for long, but when I read these threads I always think it would be much easier for the GP to say sorry this isnt working anymore. The father comment was disgusting. I would just thank DM for the help and try find a childminder.

Hi Op,
I'm sorry that things are difficult and your mothers comment wasn't very nice. Sounds like she says it out of frustration.

I agree with others about this arrangement running its course. I think anyone having someone elses child for 9-12 hours over a weekend is excessive and limiting in terms of social life- though I get that you're working hard to provide for your dc. I think you will really struggle to find childcare over a weekend. I don't know any nurseries that open at weekends or childminder who would be wiling to work. I suppose a nanny would be too expensive, how about an au pair?
Does your dc's dad not have contact?

@Mummyshark2018 DD's dad has no contact, he's living in another country now and I don't even know where. Just what I've been told. yeah I get it too. Although DM doesn't have any friends, she says she doesn't want any and is quite happy with her own company and says she hasn't got any patience for friends. Before I started work I said about weekends being a problem and she said no, a weekend is just like any other day.
But I definitley think it's run it's course. I'm honest with her so I just wish she was with me. Hopefully she won't keep her mood for too long and we can chat properly. Although I'm meant to be working tomorrow and I don't really know if I can go as she's not replied to me.

The father comment is just out and out fucking horrible, what an absolute bitch. Did she apologise when you cried? Honestly that was a low blow and then laughing too, nope, not nice at all

I get where you’re coming from. I would be irritated if my mother did that. Plus she is 47 which is not exactly frail and elderly, many parents are that age and manage to cope!

If you create an expectation that someone relies on then you should be expected to honour it. Having said that, three long days with a toddler is hard work irrespective of age and it might have been wise just to say no to your boss rather than to ask your mum to do more days as she already does a lot.

The comment was absolutely horrible though. It does, however, seem that you need her to do childcare for you. I would have a frank conversation telling her you really appreciate everything she does and in hindsight asking more of her was a step to far. I would call her out on the comment though. I would also ask how she sees the future and whether she is willing to continue as previously agreed as this is the only way you can work.

The view on MN is you should never expect anything from your parents, I would personally expect my mum to help me out though. Especially I was a single parent and she had done bugger all for the last decade.