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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to spend some of my bonus on myself..

69 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 13:57

I got a small performance bonus under 600 quid after tax but I'm happy with it.
So far it's gone on birthday present for dsc and Christmas for x3 dsc and my ds.
Rest has gone on car repair bill and other bills. Nothing left for myself.
I haven't bought new clothes in over a year and other than doing slimming world, I do nothing else for myself money wise.
Is it selfish to wnat to spend a chunk of it on myself? Either on shoes or clothes or a day out.
No idea how to achieve that but basically I'm a tad grumpy!

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:31

Thanks to people being nice and some good points taken on board.
People being rude can do one though, people can post constructive comments without being rude.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:32

That bra story is awful. So sorry that happened to you.
Dp has no access to my accounts and doesn't know pins etc.

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2019 15:34

My DH usually gets a bonus (I work for a nonprofit so never do) and he always keeps some for himself- I think he's perfectly entitled to!

It's a lesson learned, OP, next time put some aside for yourself before you start spending on others. I agree with PP's that if there's any spare money in November/December as you've already covered Christmas, buy yourself those shoes. Parents have to look after themselves as well as the children.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:36

Agreed, I've added a Calander reminder for pay day!

OP posts:

Durgasarrow · 10/10/2019 15:36

You are being cheated.

Allthepinkunicorns · 10/10/2019 15:42

If you can't afford alot on clothing then have a look on ebay, you can get a ton more for your money. I buy loads of brand new and used clothes that way and it's good for the environment. You earned your money so your entitled to spend some on yourself. And you should never feel bad about that! Christmas has been covered now so when you next get paid go and buy yourself something.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/10/2019 15:43

Why are you paying for birthday presents for the DSC as well? Surely if you chip in extra for Christmas gifts it's only fair if he picks up the birthday stuff - especially as those would be spread out over the year?

And while they may want xbox games, that doesn't necessarily mean you should be buying them if DP's using what little spare money he has left for his holidays instead

Timeywimey10 · 10/10/2019 15:49

Another example of (step)mummy martyr syndrome.

I wonder if any dads exist in the history of the world who feel bad about spending some money on themselves rather than the kids?

raspberryk · 10/10/2019 15:54

Yeah I stupidly had joint accounts with him, but it's a similar thing that you are going through, you support him and his debts and his DC, and he has basically spent your bonus. It isn't a lot different. X

Rachelover60 · 10/10/2019 15:55

Oh no, not selfish at all. When you receive your next month's salary, treat yourself.

Lovemusic33 · 10/10/2019 16:27

I used to do the same with ex’s kids, he used to pay for their main present and I would buy the smaller gifts, we had 5 kids to buy for (2 were both of ours), I rarely got anything nice for myself as always put the kids first. We are now divorced, his kids have grown up and at Christmas I buy myself a couple gifts. Really you should have bought yourself a few nice things (clothes, shoes) before spending any on the kids, it was your bonus after all and you worked hard for it.

Yummymummy2020 · 10/10/2019 16:31

Nope not at all, treat yo self!!!!❤️

ReanimatedSGB · 10/10/2019 16:38

Why did you get back together? Did he guilt-trip you into how he couldn't manage without you? Has he really made improvements? I think this is a cocklodger who knows how to push your buttons - I bet there are never-rending reminders of how 'lucky' you are to have a better-paying job than him...

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 17:14

He does all the nights. I've had cbt so feeling much better pnd wise and generally life is turning a corner as the communication is better.
Money is always awkward esp if one earns more or has more assets than the other.

OP posts:

Oblomov19 · 10/10/2019 17:50

I don't understand why this all didn't occur to you, ie that you should keep at least a bit back for yourself, pre you agreeing to buying all his kids x box games / whatever!?

mummmy2017 · 10/10/2019 18:17

Please don't marry him, I think you need to protect your DS and yourself.
Don't forget to buy something's for mummy from baby for Xmas.
Also how much have you spent in birthdays, if they don't know about the gifts return some.

ValiaH · 11/10/2019 09:15

@Spanglyprincess1 you say money is always awkward- it doesn't have to be. My husband and I share finances as we are married, before we even got together we had a conversation about how finances would be split in a family and determined that we may both have uneven incomes but that we should have equal 'fun' money (we include clothes/ shoes etc in that) - For us that involves joint accounts and a weekly 'allowance' each, but as you are not married that doesn't sound like a sensible option for you. However, you are a family, and have a child- both of you should be contributing equally, and before he has 'fun money' he should be financing his kids from a previous relationship. Can you sit down together, with both of your incomes, and establish what percentage of your wage he earns, say it's 1/3 then work out how much 1/3 of all household costs is including things your child together needs, as well as rent towards the house. Then he has to pay for his step childrens needs, the 1/3 (or whatever it is) contribution to your household, and whatever he has left is his 'fun money'. Your stepchildren are not your financial responsibility, especially as you are not married. They are his.

Ellisandra · 11/10/2019 10:16

I earn quite a lot more than my husband, he has two children. Grown up, but university is expensive! It has never been awkward at all - we just talk about it and agree what we both feel is fair.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/10/2019 11:38

I think this is a cocklodger who knows how to push your buttons

Having read some of OP's other threads, I'd say there's no doubt at all about this

Please just make sure you never put his name on the house that you bought for everyone ...

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