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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend some of my bonus on myself..

69 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 13:57

I got a small performance bonus under 600 quid after tax but I'm happy with it.
So far it's gone on birthday present for dsc and Christmas for x3 dsc and my ds.
Rest has gone on car repair bill and other bills. Nothing left for myself.
I haven't bought new clothes in over a year and other than doing slimming world, I do nothing else for myself money wise.
Is it selfish to wnat to spend a chunk of it on myself? Either on shoes or clothes or a day out.
No idea how to achieve that but basically I'm a tad grumpy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 14:59

Of course I. Do but he does a job which he loves which is low paying.
We would have just about the same but not after his debt payments and child maintenance but those come out of his money.
This wasn't normal wage which goes towards bills etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:00

I guess cause kids are involved. New mom gulit I suspect.

OP posts:
beautifulmelody · 10/10/2019 15:02

Good gracious. I would have spent it all on me the day I got it without a second thought!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/10/2019 15:03

So just stop being a martyr to the myth of Happy Families then.

The ONLY person who will appreciate you spent your bonus on everyone else but yourself is you.

OH won't want to acknowledge it, if he is still relying on you to keep him in bed and board as well as keeping hi skids happy
DSCs won't notice, they'l do what all kids do: Hoover up the pressies and show little gratitude no matter how big or small the pile is
Your DS probably still won't really notice it much

ONLY YOU will notice, harbour some resentment and spoil your own fun!

So stop! Don't do it again. Buy yourself something gratuitous out of next month's salary, get OH to sub you if necessary.

OvalCanvas · 10/10/2019 15:04

I thought your name looked familiar op. I remember your posts about your partner being self employed but bringing in little money , and I vaguely recall some posts about him not cleaning your baby's bottles properly as well.

I do hope you're okay.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:05

True true. I will.
Thanks for the head wobble!

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 10/10/2019 15:05

Hi OP,

Can I ask did you spend a lot on the DC? I mean, if they get gifts from mum and dad and are with you and you want to be generous I would have thought that a gift of perhaps £20 per child was enough. Therefore you would have spent £60 on them (there are 3?) and some on your DS - again when mine were small (pre 3) they got a soft toy so that would be £20.

In all honesty, if you spent more, that was crazy. Did you want to spend it or were you doing it to help your DP out?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:06

Yeah it's me we split for a bit but are back together and trying.
Tbf lots of improvements. Just a grumble ref this!
So loads better

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/10/2019 15:06

Do but he does a job which he loves which is low paying. Oh! Oh dear!

We would have just about the same but not after his debt payments and child maintenance but those come out of his money So, if you think about it in purely monetary terms, he and his kids are actuallytaking money out of you and your DSs pockets!

Will he do nothing additional to earn more money until his debts are paid off? Are you happy to, effectively, be paying at least a % of those debts via housing him etc?

You may need to have a sit down proper discussion about finances before you get further mired and properly resentful!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/10/2019 15:07

Yeah it's me we split for a bit but are back together and trying Crikey! Are you absolutely certain?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:08

Ds got sensible boring stuff mostly like wellies and some bigger toys as he's too old for most of his stuff.
I also got him a trikie - one of those things that convert as he will need one anyway (pushchair resistor) and will last him till his 4.
Dsc end up around 50 each plus its one of their birthday and dp birthday this month.
Easily adds up very very quickly.

OP posts:
raspberryk · 10/10/2019 15:18

£50 is more than I spend on my own kids at Xmas, they don't need it. Sorry but you don't even know if you'll be with your P at Xmas if you're rocky, I would honestly take it all back. I buy my kids pressies and DP gets them something if he sees something not always at xmas or birthday.
I would spend at least half on myself either on clothes if that is what you need, or a treat or both.
The trike sounds potentially sensible, you can sell the pushchair to recoup costs, I always sell stuff before Xmas to make room and money for the new things. I have always been asked what do my kids want for xmas and I direct people to the bigger toys, no need to buy them yourself so either take them back or ask family if they want to give/contribute. My family love what I do, I order a whole set online in the sales usually, one lot of postage/parcel. Post picks and prices of everything and they choose which one they want to give. Makes it easier for everyone.

My gifting rule is "something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read" never has to be expensive.

Minioooons · 10/10/2019 15:20

you sound like a martyr and a fool. you may think you are kind and want to do the right thing but if you have to even ask a bunch of strangers if it's ok to spend your own money then theres something wrong with you. Why would you even think this way?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:21

Yeah I always do a book, chocolate, a toy or something and clothes. But one is 12 so what they want is never under 30 or 40 quid as even an xbox game.
Good idea ref selling stuff. I have given away loads of ds baby stuff but selling some of it as he won't use the toys now makes sense too

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/10/2019 15:21

You are putting yourself last, OP, and that's not right. You must have worked hard to get that bonus - it should have been spent on you and your child and your home.

HollowTalk · 10/10/2019 15:22

And we could all do a low paid job we loved and run up debts - you could have done that but you didn't. Yet your partner did. Have a think about this.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:22

Because when I grew up my mom never did and its normal ish to spend what you have on the kids etc rather than yourself esp of money is tight around Xmas and birthdays

OP posts:
OMGshefoundmeout · 10/10/2019 15:23

It would be nice to spend some of your bonus in yourself but it sounds as if you family finances don’t allow for that.

I’ve never had a job that paid out bonuses but DH does. In the past when money was tight the bonus went pretty quickly on funding big jobs in the house (roof, new kitchen etc) as well as providing a float for expenses like school uniforms, dentist costs etc. There was never enough left over for personal treats. Now we are older and more affluent bonuses do provide some fun money.

Be patient OP, hopefully your time will come. But in the short term, if this really bothers you and feels unjust, then next time decide what seems to you to be a reasonable amount and keep it separate from family money so you can treat yourself in whatever way you prefer.

OvalCanvas · 10/10/2019 15:24

And by the way @Spanglyprincess1 , the reason I focussed on the lack of new clothing for you is because the only time in my life I've felt unable to buy myself much needed clothing was when I was in an abusive relationship. I'm not saying that you are , but its food for thought I hope.

JudyDenchsBloomers · 10/10/2019 15:25

DH and I spend our bonuses on ourselves. He usually buys a nice watch and I get myself some jewellery.

It's hard to get out of the mindset that you should be spending on others but do try to. You earned it!

Howyiz · 10/10/2019 15:27

You choose to be a doormat so why complain when you are treated like a doormat?
I don't think you are kind/amazing/selfless or whatever else you are hoping to suggest, I just think you are a complete idiot!

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/10/2019 15:28

Yes agreed mindset thing. Putting x amount in a set account I have a small bonus coming around 80 next month or two for something specific so I'll earmark this for my shoes I've wanted for ages.
Thanks for being nice, sounds mad but I have proper mom guilt about stuff like Xmas.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 10/10/2019 15:29

So, you’re already supporting him.
Now you’re spending £50 each on his 3 kids when they’re already getting a present from him.
Leaving you with no treat from your own bonus.

And yet... he found the money to go in holiday to follow his own hobby in the summer (another poster’s comment reminded me that I’d seen your posts before).

How about he doesn’t swan off on holidays without you, and pays for his own kids?

And you think you’re the selfish one?

If I even tried tried buy my husband a birthday present after spending my bonus on his kids, it would him telling me to give my head a wobble.

Can you take back these Xbox games or whatever they are? It’s not Xmas yet. Then buy the boots you want. Then tell your boyfriend to go shake the money tree that paid for his hobby holiday, and use that to buy the Xbox games Hmm

You’re being a mug, and a martyr. It is FINE to spend money on yourself over the children - stepchildren or your own.

Boysey45 · 10/10/2019 15:29

I'd have spent the lot on myself. Its not for you to buy step kids presents its for their Dad 100%.
I think your priorities are yourself, your child and your home.Never mind presents for your partner and his family.

raspberryk · 10/10/2019 15:29

@OvalCanvas I agree 100% , I went to buy nursing bras when I was with my XH, he knew where I had gone, we had been paid the day before and lo and behold my car was declined. He had rinsed the account in a day. I stood there astounded like oh I must call the bank as I was paid yesterday there is money in the bank. I went to the bank and then cried! His attitude was "you don't need bra's" , he wanted me to be at home isolated as he knew I couldn't go out without a nursing bra!
Even though things have been tight for me ever since, I have not gone without clothes that I need for me or the kids!