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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down and like I can't trust MIL

33 replies

JellyfishSting · 10/10/2019 12:58

I'll try to keep this a concise as possible.

I've a 20mo DD. I'm no longer with her father - he has lived back with his parents for over a year now.

I take DD to see ex MIL every few weeks, whether out for a coffee or round for tea. They're not really my sort of people, they actually kick off about not seeing DD, but when I do take her round, they'll almost ignore her and just question me about my life and what I've been doing etc. So I'll always be sat playing with DD. I TRY to keep it amicable for the sake of DD (my own family is terribly split, so I don't want the same for her)

Anyway I don't trust my ex MIL to look after my daughter alone. She's always ALWAYS on her phone. Never bothers to play with DD and tells her to "wait a minute" until she's had her cup of tea. Now I understand you can't always drop everything immediately, but if your grandchild who you see rarely is trying to give you flowers!?

Also ex nephew has banged his head and fallen down stairs, got black eyes somehow...whilst under her care, but MIL denies it happens.... Not really my problem as not my child. But still.

And then my ex cheated on me twice whilst pregnant... Took two women on two different occasions, to his mother's house... They stayed the night. She was aware. And she still lied to my face and said he didn't cheat. He did cheat, because he came clean to me after I'd found out anyway. But I just absolutely hate that she said "you need to get over it". I still feel let down by her. How could she lie.

And the second time he cheated she actually drove to a shop and bought baby clothes and my ex gave them to me, claiming he'd bought them... I knew he was lying, she was doing it as a cover up for him cheating, which again he admitted.

I know I perhaps shouldn't be holding on to it.

AIBU for not wanting to trust this woman!? I don't like unexplained and denied injuries on other children. Don't want her to be lying to me!

OP posts:
lasttimeround · 10/10/2019 13:20

Trust your instincts. Plus you already know she lies to you. Take the kicking off about seeing your dd with a bit of salt. Clearly its fir show rather than actual relationship forging. If it was the latter they'd be responsive when you are visiting.
I'd also be suspicious about those bruises and not leave my kids in their care.

Tbh what you've written has so many red flags for me that I'd cut ties. You dobt need untrustworthy toxic kick offy people. I'd stop visiting now before your kids build up a relationship.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 10/10/2019 13:22

Why on earth would you want your daughter around her?

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 10/10/2019 13:24

I take it from this that your DDs father does not have much involvement in her life and doesn't look after her away from you, or will want to in the future? If he has her part of the time there's nothing to stop him leaving her with his mother during his time. Has your MIL asked to have your DD alone?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 10/10/2019 13:27

Has she actually asked to see your daughter alone?

Chloemol · 10/10/2019 13:27

Just stop seeing her. It’s the child’s fathers responsibility to ensure he and his side of the family see his child. I take it he doesn’t so mil can bend his ear

Original poster
JellyfishSting · 10/10/2019 13:32

He sees her for a few hours on one weekend day. Supervised by me and he never has had a problem with it. So I just go along with it.

I think I've been scared that if I do stop going round my ex will take me to court. I don't really know, I'm not so good at standing up for myself. But feel a lot stronger now after all this time with my daughter we're a team and I want what's best for her.

And yeah....she wanted to take her to Barcelona for a week in June! Obviously that didn't happen!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/10/2019 13:36

I wouldn't see your MIL at all. She sounds really awful and very neglectful, too. She has betrayed your trust.

I doubt he'll take you to court - he's seeing his child for a few hours and he can live a single life - why would he want that to change? He's clearly shagging around and won't want her for over nights.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 10/10/2019 13:36

You want DD to have a good relationship with her grandparents.
But they don't seem to want that and there's no way to make them do it.

So even having visits where you are always there with DD is not a success.

Yes you are right not to trust ex-MiL.
And she's not even a good gran, so why see her?

GrandmaSteglitszch · 10/10/2019 13:39

Just saw your update.
So have visits with ex, and have as little to do with MiL as possible.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/10/2019 13:43

Just because she is a grandmother, doesn't mean she is a good person.

I would keep your innocent little daughter away from her.

I am sure your ex won't be bothered to take you to court! Why would he?

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 14:00

She doesn’t sound very attentive that’s for sure but is that enough to stop contact?

I don’t understand why you’re mentioning the issue of your ex taking women back to his mums in the same breath as her not being trusted to look after DD.

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 14:01

Sorry OP, you were together when he cheated and MIL knew?

That is a different matter altogether.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/10/2019 14:03

I don’t understand why you’re mentioning the issue of your ex taking women back to his mums in the same breath as her not being trusted to look after DD. Really? That level of betrayal would tend to destroy all trust, wouldn't it? No matter how unfounded... and OP has made other observations that suggest a lack of attention!

Clangus00 · 10/10/2019 14:09

Stop taking your DD round to see her.
That's up to the child's dad to decide if he wants his family to have contact with his daughter, not yours.
Let her "kick off", she has no legal rights so if she starts spouting about her taking you to court ignore her. That's up to dad if he chooses to go down that road.

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 14:10

I didn’t realise the OP was still together when he took the women back to his mums, I thought they were already apart.

Obviously it’s unforgivable of the ex and his MIL to lie about this.

Windydaysuponus · 10/10/2019 14:13

Ime dc having a dgp at the expense of your mh isn't worthwhile for anyone.
Arrange to meet her at soft play - dd's best interests and safe - if she chooses not to turn up then so be it.
Do not allow unsupervised contact.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/10/2019 14:13

Sorry NoSauce You posted that first as I was typing Smile

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 14:17

No problem Curious!

IncrediblySadToo · 10/10/2019 14:20

Why on earth do you think your daughter needs her in her life, she doesn’t. Family is NIT everything, at all

If he threatens to take you to court, tell him fine, you’ll see him there (he won’t bother and even if it did, it’s not going to get him
anywhere)

I wouldn’t leave my knitting with her, let alone a child ! Apart from the safety record with other kids, she lies to you, I won’t keabe my children with people who cover things up & lie to me (plus god knows what she’d let her do/play with to keep her quiet!)

doublebarrellednurse · 10/10/2019 14:21

Nope she would have nothing to do with my child. She clearly has no loyalty or investment in care for you or her so why should you be the one making the effort?

Drum2018 · 10/10/2019 14:28

Bring your dd to a soft play centre or the park for her father's access. Do not bring her to your ex MILs house. She has no rights over your child and if he isn't that bothered then he'll hardly pay to go to court.

Longlongsummer · 10/10/2019 14:35

Wow she really let your Ex sleep with women in her house?! Really?!

I’ve never heard such awful behaviour.

I don’t trust my ILs either. Don’t trust yours. Do whatever keeps your kid out of their mitts they honestly don’t deserve a relationship with him. However, if they get unsupervised access through your Ex that is problematic. Would they?

Keep the visits short. Don’t go so often and try to stretch them out until it’s very infrequent would be my take.

My ILs are awful and I trusted them. Turns out they also put my child in danger, and started to want to be mum which can happen When their ‘poor son’ is on their own they can swoop in and take over. Vultures.

OrangeSlices998 · 10/10/2019 14:35

Why would you want this woman involved in your daughters life? A toxic GM is not better than no GM!

sarahjconnor · 10/10/2019 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Breathlessness · 10/10/2019 15:04

If she was attentive and loving towards her granddaughter I’d say that it was worth continuing the visits to develop that relationship but as she’s not ...

You do need to consider that if your ex lives with his parents and you stop taking your DD to see his mother it would be very reasonable to expect your ex to say (with encouragement from his mother) that he wants to take your DD to their home for contact. Given your DD’s age he might ask for an overnight. This could well mean his mother being in sole charge of your DD which you say you don’t want. If he has any intention of being an involved parent your ex will eventually be seeing your DD without your supervision. Is stopping your visits to his mother worth the risk of this happening sooner rather than later? Only you know that.

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