To feel let down and like I can't trust MIL

[JellyfishSting]

I'll try to keep this a concise as possible.

I've a 20mo DD. I'm no longer with her father - he has lived back with his parents for over a year now.

I take DD to see ex MIL every few weeks, whether out for a coffee or round for tea. They're not really my sort of people, they actually kick off about not seeing DD, but when I do take her round, they'll almost ignore her and just question me about my life and what I've been doing etc. So I'll always be sat playing with DD. I TRY to keep it amicable for the sake of DD (my own family is terribly split, so I don't want the same for her)

Anyway I don't trust my ex MIL to look after my daughter alone. She's always ALWAYS on her phone. Never bothers to play with DD and tells her to "wait a minute" until she's had her cup of tea. Now I understand you can't always drop everything immediately, but if your grandchild who you see rarely is trying to give you flowers!?

Also ex nephew has banged his head and fallen down stairs, got black eyes somehow...whilst under her care, but MIL denies it happens.... Not really my problem as not my child. But still.

And then my ex cheated on me twice whilst pregnant... Took two women on two different occasions, to his mother's house... They stayed the night. She was aware. And she still lied to my face and said he didn't cheat. He did cheat, because he came clean to me after I'd found out anyway. But I just absolutely hate that she said "you need to get over it". I still feel let down by her. How could she lie.

And the second time he cheated she actually drove to a shop and bought baby clothes and my ex gave them to me, claiming he'd bought them... I knew he was lying, she was doing it as a cover up for him cheating, which again he admitted.

I know I perhaps shouldn't be holding on to it.

AIBU for not wanting to trust this woman!? I don't like unexplained and denied injuries on other children. Don't want her to be lying to me!

she said "you need to get over it".

There's your reply if she asks why you don't go round anymore or allow her to look after your DD... "We're not together anymore because he cheated, you knew it and supported him so I can't trust you anymore, you just need to get over it."

I wouldn't trust her either. Don't revolve your life around her. She knows where you live, why does she never visit you?
Build a life for you and your daughter, make plans, playdates, baby groups, swimming, dancing etc and you'll have plenty of excuses not to go visit. If she is that concerned to see her granddaughter, she would fit around you.
As for her father, you are not being unreasonable, he is allowed to see her, and until he asks to have her more or overnight leave as it is. Then when/if he does ask for more access, or to have her overnight, you have to put your feelings aside and do what's best for DD. He is her dad you can't change that, but he can't go from a couple of supervised hours to a whole weekend....it would stress you out and confuse your DD. If it ever comes to it tell him your nervous/worried as DD knows no different to the current situation, so it will have to be gradual for DD to adjust and for him to earn your trust. Start small with letting him take her to the park or something.

Your MIL is a flying monkey for her son.

Colluding with him over OW at her house? She is not your friend. She also doesn't have mature values. He is spoiled and selfish for a reason.

Just grey rock and slowly withdraw.

Look, I don't know why you're encouraging this toxic person to be in your dd's life op.

Contact arrangements are for your ex to sort out. Your only obligations here are to facilitate a healthy relationship between daughter and dad. The mil is someone you don't ever need to interact with again. That's your ex's responsibility (to deal with his side of the family).

If you're worried about ex letting mil babysit, this is a good reason to get a formal, legally enforceable contact order in place. You can raise concerns regarding where ex has DD, who she's left unsupervised with and the concerns about safety..

Honestly you're looking at this the wrong way - get an objective court arrangement rather than this informal, inconsistent setup you're helping them with.

And get in a claim for child maintenance - again, something formal and agreed and a separate issue to the contact arrangements.

I'm not so good at standing up for myself.

But why is this an excuse to not stand up for your child? You are now letting her have a relationship with a neglectful person who might even be abusive. I fail to see why you would encourage them knowing each other.

Yanbu! At all!

I good never set foot in that house again and aim for the same for your Dd. I know you want a family for her but not this.

*would never