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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum has NO boundaries!

36 replies

Milkfreemoomum · 09/10/2019 22:56

Ordered a parcel to be delivered at mum's as I was at work. She said this was fine. Went round today to get it. She tells me she's opened it!! Her excuse was I thought it might be my Xmas present. It had the logo on the box of what was inside, she 100% knew it wasn't for her and for my DS. If this was an isolated incident I wouldn't be so mad but my whole life she's had no boundaries! No privacy when I lived at home. Snooped in my room, looked in my phone when I was in another room. I wasn't a bad kid never did anything bad. But still she felt the need to do this stuff. I couldn't even tell her myself I was pregnant as she snooped through my receipts and found I have done a pregnancy test! I just do not get why she doesn't have boundaries!! AIBU to be mad?

OP posts:
Cornishqween · 09/10/2019 23:00

Id be cross too! Definitely no more parcels to go to your mums. Perhaps get them to leave with a neighbour next time. How would she react if you treated her that way?

PersonaNonGarter · 09/10/2019 23:02

You are enabling this tho.

Original poster
Milkfreemoomum · 09/10/2019 23:02

How am I enabling?

OP posts:
Motoko · 09/10/2019 23:05

Well, you know what she's like, yet you still got the parcel delivered to hers. That's enabling.

HeadintheiClouds · 09/10/2019 23:06

Why are you having parcels delivered to her house when you know she does this? Agree it’s enabling.

Original poster
Milkfreemoomum · 09/10/2019 23:07

I honestly didn't think she would open it. I've had parcels sent there before since I've moved out and she hasn't done it. So I don't know why she did this time.

OP posts:
WagtailRobin · 09/10/2019 23:08

I may not be the best person to speak on this subject because my mum and I are really close but if you put the situation into perspective, is it really that big a deal?

I accept you felt in your youth she had no boundaries etc but this is a parcel, no real harm done, it's only a parcel and I don't say that to minimise your thoughts, it's just life is very short and I think we should pick our battles, this particular issue isn't all that serious.

Original poster
Milkfreemoomum · 09/10/2019 23:08

This is the 1st time she's opened a parcel of mine. I thought since the logo was on it she wouldn't have an interest in it. This parcel needed to be signed for so I couldn't get them to leave in a safe spot at mine.

OP posts:
Iamthewombat · 09/10/2019 23:12

My mother did the receipts thing as well when I still lived at home and when I was back during university holidays. She wanted to know what I’d bought, and for how much. I would rip the receipts up to frustrate her, but she’d get the pieces out of the bin and try to reassemble them!

She told all of her friends that I had thrush (which I did) when I was 20. Why? What did they care?

She’s not as insane as she sounds. However as a grown woman I wouldn’t tolerate her opening parcels.

Iamthewombat · 09/10/2019 23:14

Also, in the days before mobile phones the landline phone was in the one biggish downstairs room in our house. So no privacy. My mother would listen to my end of the phone calls then demand to know what the other person had said in order to elicit each response I’d given. Then she would critique what I’d said, and tell me what I should have said instead! To my friends. Beat that OP!

Majorcollywobble · 09/10/2019 23:15

You are not being unreasonable . This behaviour strikes a chord in me . My Mum was just the same - she picked the lock regularly on my 5 year diary. I shared a bedroom with my little sister ( ten years difference in age) and was used to sharing everything with her . But really resented my Mum constantly snooping . Monitoring the books I read etc . I honestly think she had nothing better to do - does your Mum fall in the category ? She sounds a little childlike to think the parcel she opened could have been her Christmas present .

HeadintheiClouds · 09/10/2019 23:15

I’d rather someone opened a parcel than shouted my medical misfortunes from the rooftops, tbh... 😆

Original poster
Milkfreemoomum · 09/10/2019 23:23

Yea the parcel opening is minor and not big in the grand scheme. But I'm just so fed up with her not respecting me enough to not open my things. She's snooped through diaries of mine and mocked what I wrote in them about being heartbroken over break ups. I hid them under my bed so she clearly used to up turn my room. There's other stuff about her too and over the years I have got stronger to standing up to her and putting boundaries in place. I thought since I'm a grown women She wouldn't feel the need to do this as my personal life isn't her business unless I wish to share it with her.

OP posts:
MissLadyM · 09/10/2019 23:27

Do the delivery thing to a shop or supermarket! They text you a code to open the locker

Aveisenim · 09/10/2019 23:30

Opening other people's parcels/mail is bloody well illegal (and rightly so), maybe remind her of that. I'd be pissed if someone else opened my parcel, no matter who it was. Honestly, I would give her the silent treatment, but that's me. The most important thing is, has your son seen it? I'd try not to worry too much if he hasn't!

Iamthewombat · 09/10/2019 23:33

Reading your diary and sneering? That is pretty low. She was obviously unashamed that she had violated your privacy.

How old are you, OP? I ask because you need to stop letting her domineer over you. I was 32 before I started to break free from my mother and I wish that I had done it sooner. The straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak, was my saying that I wanted to stay in on New Year’s Eve (don’t we all? NYE notoriously crap night out) and she went mental at me, saying that she wouldn’t be able to rest unless I was out ‘enjoying myself’ (70 miles away, where I lived). I think that she was trying to live vicariously through me. Anyway that was the start of my independence. I’m 48 now and I’ve put her back in her box. Do the same with yours!

midnightmisssuki · 09/10/2019 23:34

Don’t get stuff sent to her - pay for weekend delivery or something. You know what she’s like.

Spermysextowel · 09/10/2019 23:37

She’s been like this all your life so using her as a postal service may’ve been a known risk. As far as deliveries go just accept that something more inconvenient to you will work out better in the long run.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/10/2019 23:39

Interesting how people view reading diaries or phones as an invasion of privacy, and yet parents are encouraged to check phones, monitor internet usage and so on.

lowry12 · 09/10/2019 23:49

I think there's a bit if a difference with phones/internet tbh as that connects to the outside world and more of a safety issue.

It's horrible reading how so may of you have had to put up with overbearing mothers (I know what it's like). OP, I'd be really annoyed as well, no excuse for it- and even if the act does sound trivial to some people, the principle isn't.

Crazybunnylady123 · 09/10/2019 23:50

Post is a very personal thing. Even if DP gets post and I know it’s something he’s ordered for me I won’t open it because it’s addressed to him.
It’s basic respect I guess.

Original poster
Milkfreemoomum · 09/10/2019 23:51

@iamthewombat I'm 29 and it's only recently I've begun pushing back to her. The other week she was sticking her nose into my dating life and I told her to butt out as it was none of her business. She didn't like that and did get in a mood. I just ignored her. The younger me would have been worried about her being in a mood with me.
To some people opening a parcel is minor which yes it is but the way my mum behaves now and in the past has infuriated.me at times. I couldn't stop her snooping in my room when I was at school and I'd try my best to hide personal stuff but she would always find things.

I don't think you always get an option to send stuff to these lockers. I do try and do click and collect when I can too. I won't be sending anymore parcels to hers. My Dsis has tons of parcels sent to hers and not once has my mum opened 1 of those!

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 10/10/2019 00:03

Start keeping yourself to yourself. Information, parcels, paperwork.

Reign in your communications with her- spoken and written. You have to tighten your own boundaries with people who have none. You only need one boundary between you, and it’s yours to build (and adjust/police).

While it’s nice to think everyone should have good personal boundaries (actually, ethics), there’s no point hand-wringing when they don’t. Just build your own, and get on with your life. She’s not going to change the habits of a lifetime, especially since they clearly work for her. She just might change them, if she stops getting her fix from you. Either way, you win.

Get your practical and emotional support from somewhere else. If she acts like a toddler, treat her like one.

pollyglot · 10/10/2019 00:13

My awful mother visited from abroad. I had to leave her at home alone when meeting a work commitment and I know she would go through everything while she had the chance. So I set up a trap with a hair stuck in the box file marked "Bank statements and pensions", and a note saying "fuck off out of my stuff and mind your own fucking business". I never swear, as a rule, and she is shocked by bad language. On my return, the hair had gone, so she had obviously opened the box. Not a word was said. By anyone. It felt good.

Maverick101 · 10/10/2019 00:59

Hmm, I'd be willing to bet that opening the parcel was a push back against you telling her to butt out of your dating life. Possibly an unconscious one, but an attempt to reassert dominance regardless.

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