Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancee took back engagement...

65 replies

Xsavanah · 09/10/2019 21:47

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months. We're young but not too young (both live together and work FT). Have been living together since day one but that's a different story.

He proposed fairly soon and we agreed we wouldn't actually make it official until later (like a year later) as he hasn't met my family yet. .

Then we agreed we'd break the news on date x which was 6 months from said proposal. He "forgot". Then never brought up the topic again. When I Do he says "what am I supposed to do" or "I still want to propose sometime in the new year". Now he is saying I'm x month of the new year.

I've been miserable about his approach to it as would rather not be engaged and not in this drama, who is BU? Is this normal?

OP posts:
Loveislandaddict · 10/10/2019 07:04

Can you chat and say that you’d like to be engaged, but those no rush to be married due to saving up for a house etc?

Or Why don’t you propose to him?

gingersausage · 10/10/2019 07:07

This whole modern business of grand proposals is a load of bollocks. If you talk about getting married to each other and then decide to do it on a date in the future, you are engaged. That’s all there is to it. You can’t get “engaged to be proposed to”.

If you are already “engaged” and yet he won’t talk to you about a day to give you your ring not to mention a wedding date, then sorry, he doesn’t actually want to marry you. Basically, he’s hedging his bets, presumably because if he breaks up with you he’ll have to find somewhere else to live. It’s time for him to shit or get off the pot. Tell him you are either putting the ring on, today and making wedding plans or you are moving on with your life without him.

Can people stop with the “at his age” rubbish. Mid-twenties is plenty old enough to act like an adult and not a twat. Vast numbers of people manage to live independently, be engaged, partnered or married in their late teens and early twenties. It’s only on MN that people are children till they are 30.

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/10/2019 07:09

Find someone better, it shouldn’t be this complicated this early in a relationship!

AmIThough · 10/10/2019 07:14

He's proposed to love bomb you, presumably.

Now he realises the implications, he's not sure he's ready.

I think this now depends on what you want.
Is he usually unreliable?
He sounds like a bit of a douche but that could be because he's stressed, I guess.

Honestly, when you were 5, is this the Prince Charming you were dreaming of?

Jessbow · 10/10/2019 07:15

I agree with Ginger Sausage. I am not really quite sure what you are wanting him to do- some grand gestuture ...like what?

He has proposed.
You have a ring

What else do you want? You can tell who you like, when you like. Doesn't need some huge song and dance.

If you didnt want to get engaged before he met your folks, you shouldnt have got engaged wjem you did.
This 'making it official' is neither here not there.

Either remain engaged, or break it off

RiftGibbon · 10/10/2019 07:29

I know someone who has been engaged for 27 years. But she is happy with that situation. Hmm

Juells · 10/10/2019 08:10

Move on with your life. He's not going to commit any more than he has already - which is not at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/10/2019 08:16

Were you unwilling to have sex until he proposed? It very much sounds as though his 'proposal' was a matter of getting you to do something that he wanted you to do but he is not interested in actually marrying you.
What's the housing situation actually like? Is your home in joint names, your name, his name? He may have proposed so he got to move in; if the house is actually 'his' then maybe the proposal was a way of getting a free cleaner/cook who will be too worried about homelessness to assert herself.

Of course, he could just have been carried away by good sex or a lovely day out or something, and made this gushy proposal... and then woken up the next day thinking 'Oh shit, what have I let myself in for?' and been hoping you would forget about it.

But he doesn't want to marry you. If he's otherwise nice, stop fretting about marriage and enjoy life. But if he's not all that, bin and move on.

StrangeLookingParasite · 10/10/2019 08:22

When he proposed, was it during or immediately after sex? I've had 5 proposals in my life, one of which turned into marriage. The first 3 were all during sex!

Stealth brag Grin

Juells · 10/10/2019 08:24

Stealth brag

Stealth brag

Juells · 10/10/2019 08:25

OOOPS, meant to do a 😂 to 'stealth brag'. Here it is now 😂

IncrediblySadToo · 10/10/2019 08:28

I think how you came to be living together from day one probably is quite important here.

Ambidexte · 10/10/2019 08:35

"I would be ready now but you didn't give me time"

WHAT??!

He has messed you around for months and now he is trying to blame YOU for that?!

What a load of crap.

He doesn't want to marry you, but to be honest I really don't think you should be wanting to marry him either. This won't be the last time he messes you around and it won't be the last time he tries to blame you for his own shitty behaviour. I think you should run a mile and find somebody decent.

When someone tries to guilt trip you for something THEY have done then it's a massive red flag.

CleopatraTomato · 10/10/2019 08:37

BoomBoomsCousin has it right.
And I would say that you are fairly committed to each other if you are living together and mostly happy. There is no rush to force it.
Actual marriage is huge. It is a legal contract which ties up your money and promises all sorts of things. It is not the "proof" that he loves you or only done so that you can have a big wedding or the inevitable next step of a "real" relationship.

Loveislandaddict · 10/10/2019 08:42

I agree with Boom and Ginger.

He’s already proposed, you have their g, you are engaged.

Take the bull by the horns and plan your big reveal.

Juells · 10/10/2019 08:46

Take the bull by the horns and plan your big reveal.

....and watch him run a mile.

mankyfourthtoe · 10/10/2019 08:47

Is he as financially stable, where would he live if not with you?
Could he be stringing you along?
There's loads of threads on here about blokes who propose then never follow through as you're not the one but they don't want to be alone.

Juells · 10/10/2019 08:49

I can't help wondering if the OP hasn't done the Big Reveal herself because somewhere deep inside she suspects it will lead to him saying he wants to end things. It's easy to stay living with someone because it's handy, quite another thing to commit to marriage, children etc..

Gwenhwyfar · 10/10/2019 08:50

"He has proposed.
You have a ring

What else do you want? You can tell who you like, when you like. Doesn't need some huge song and dance."

I don't really agree with this. That can be a 'pretend' engagement. If he doesn't tell anyone, the he's not really engaged and doesn't have to get married, does he?
A friend at uni was supposedly 'engaged' to a girl he never met up with. He eventually found out she'd never told her parents about him - they weren't actually engaged at all in any real way.

PickedByYou · 10/10/2019 08:55

If you are arguing about things like this at such an early stage in your relationship I’d take that as a bad sign. Hits all too much too soon and too young. You need to slow down and enjoy yourself. I wouldn’t bother staying in a relationship if it wasn’t fun and easy.

Do you want kids? Does he want kids?

Raphael34 · 10/10/2019 09:11

He doesn’t want to marry you. And you barely know each other. Why not concentrate on the relationship and getting to know each other at first?

CluelessNewMama · 10/10/2019 09:18

@FuriousVexation you must be amazing in bed Shock

Either he isn’t ready to get married (understandable in early 20’s) or he just doesn’t want to marry YOU. You need to establish which and if the former decide whether you are happy to wait.

Welliesandpyjamas · 10/10/2019 09:20

Sounds like an unhappy waste of your youth, OP. Aim higher, enjoy being you.

Span1elsRock · 10/10/2019 09:25

There's a book called "He's not that into you".

Read it.

mindutopia · 10/10/2019 09:25

It doesn't sound like you are engaged. If you want to see where the relationship goes, then give it time but take the whole engagement thing off the table and say you'll discuss it again in a couple years. If you don't see it going anywhere, just end it. A few months in is way too soon to be deciding to get married. My dh and I started to talk about marriage when we had been dating for 6 months. We both knew that's where things were going and that's what we wanted. But we were together 2.5 years before we got engaged (even though we knew before then when we planned to get married). My family also lives in a different country. It didn't stop him meeting them as it was a priority for both of us given how seriously we took our relationship. If someone really wants to marry you, they will make it clear. He doesn't sound like he does right now and it sounds more like you both jumped in before you had a chance to think it through.