Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2 3

AIBU?

Fiancee took back engagement...

65 replies

Xsavanah · 09/10/2019 21:47

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months. We're young but not too young (both live together and work FT). Have been living together since day one but that's a different story.

He proposed fairly soon and we agreed we wouldn't actually make it official until later (like a year later) as he hasn't met my family yet. .

Then we agreed we'd break the news on date x which was 6 months from said proposal. He "forgot". Then never brought up the topic again. When I Do he says "what am I supposed to do" or "I still want to propose sometime in the new year". Now he is saying I'm x month of the new year.

I've been miserable about his approach to it as would rather not be engaged and not in this drama, who is BU? Is this normal?

OP posts:

Report

SVRT19674 · 10/10/2019 14:27

I am not getting it, you became engaged but he hand't proposed? In my book he proposes, you become engaged then you marry. Sorry, he's stringing you along. Don't rush to marry the first one that comes along, play cool. Like he does.

Jellybeansincognito · 10/10/2019 13:15

Anyone proposing within a year is a big red flag to me tbh.

SpamChaudFroid · 10/10/2019 12:43

Oh FFS. Why are some young women so desperate to marry so early? Not only is there a whole world out there full of career opportunities, places to see, fun to have, but there are more interesting men out there as well. Yet woman after woman devotes what should be the most entertaining years of her life to forcing a wedding ring out of some very average bloke or other, then settles down to a lifetime of scrubbing his skidmarked pants and feeding his ego

Brava! I wish I'd realised there were more interesting and rewarding things than chasing cock when I was a youngster. Then again, ime, they lose their charm as you get older and you realise they're a bit tasteless, stale and rubbery

SprinkleDash · 10/10/2019 11:10

You’re trying to rush every stage of this relationship. You lived together from day 1 (which is absolutely ridiculous) and got ‘engaged’ soon after. Seriously what is the rush!? You’re both early 20s just enjoy your relationship and take the pressure off for a while!!

Wild123 · 10/10/2019 10:54

If you both love each other be content with that for a while longer. Concentrate on your career, getting to know each other more and having fun with each other. Building a foundation for marriage. Being engaged is not as important as your actual relationship and its not even been that long of a relationship to worry about engagements and marriage.

It sounds like your putting too much pressure on the being an "engaged" couple rather than a happy couple.

Leave the ring in its box and do not mention it again. I'm sure in time when he is ready it will come back out and you will be engaged to be married.

Xsavanah · 10/10/2019 10:51

I like this idea. I think we're just struggling to communicate at this point as every time we talk about it there's something different being said.

I think I'll just say to leave it, as I wouldn't really say yes at this point anyway. It's just left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes me feel a bit meh about it all. Thank you for all the replies!

OP posts:

Whattodoabout · 10/10/2019 10:49

Being engaged isn’t really important, I’ve never understood the fuss and I’ve found many people who make a big deal about being engaged actually never make it to the alter.

DH and I just said ‘shall we get married?’ And got on with it a few months later.

HollowTalk · 10/10/2019 10:48

I think you're both too young to be thinking of getting married - you could be married for 80 years! Why not live with friends for a couple of years?

BitOfANameChange · 10/10/2019 10:46

I met my ex when I was a vulnerable and naive 18 year old. I finally left this abusive dick a couple of years ago, and I'm in my 50s now.

He, too, did the grand engagement gesture. We never married. I asked a few times about it in the early days but was rebuffed so I stopped raising the issue. Funny how he was proposing to me non stop when I left.

OP, if he wanted to marry you, he'd be letting you know very clearly. Don't waste your time on someone who is fobbing you off.

AmIThough · 10/10/2019 10:44

@Xsavanah if you wanted a long engagement anyway it's no difference to being in a LTR.

Just talk to him and say "I understand you proposed in haste and in hindsight it's not how you'd have wanted to do it. As we haven't told anyone we're actually engaged, let's pretend it never happened and just carry on as we are."

ReanimatedSGB · 10/10/2019 10:44

Oh FFS. Why are some young women so desperate to marry so early? Not only is there a whole world out there full of career opportunities, places to see, fun to have, but there are more interesting men out there as well. Yet woman after woman devotes what should be the most entertaining years of her life to forcing a wedding ring out of some very average bloke or other, then settles down to a lifetime of scrubbing his skidmarked pants and feeding his ego.

Xsavanah · 10/10/2019 10:22

Thank you for all the replies so far, I can see a lot of questions:

We contribute 50/50 to everything and also earn almost exactly the same amount. I've met most of his family including cousins etc as they're all in the same city, we see his family often and I get along with them.

The ring was bought by him, i had to get it resized in the store so I know it's not a fake.

He's very generous with his money, I'm close with his friends, apart from this issue our communication is usually good. He's been there for me through a couple of really difficult times and he would take over housework, contribute more financially etc when needed.

We ended up living together from day 1 as we realised that I never stay in my own place and we decided to get my name on the lease.

He's a good person, I do think he got carried away and didn't realise what an engagement actually means. And instead of saying no, I said yes but let's wait as I didn't think he was sure.

We were planning to have a long engagement (focus on work and getting a house first).

I've recently been promoted and I'm getting close to finishing my part time degree, he's been stuck when it comes to work and didn't manage to finish uni. I think his parents are the kind to be let down and want their kids to exceed in university and land good professional careers, so they're disappointed. And equally I think he doesn't want to tell them as "they'll think it's too soon".

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 10/10/2019 09:48

He isn't your fiancé in real life and you aren't his fiancée as he clearly doesn't want to marry you. My advice would be to pack up and leave. Don't say another word to him about it or anything. This is not how grown up adult relationships should be or make yourself feel.

If a bloke wants to marry you he makes it happen. An engagement is a cheap easy way of keeping you sweet and quiet. I know this through experience.

Annasgirl · 10/10/2019 09:40

I agree with everyone who says he does not want to marry you. I've been there - and when I met someone who did want to marry me, he made sure I knew. And I knew I wanted to marry him because he was the first guy I could talk about marriage to and not feel like I was being "needy". When a guy makes you feel "needy" for being normal, he is not the one for you. Please do not waste any more of your youth on him.

Doyoumind · 10/10/2019 09:30

He's playing you. If he's asked you to marry him, you're engaged but he doesn't want to marry you. You are young. He's not the one for you. It shouldn't be difficult, it should be happy and fun.

mindutopia · 10/10/2019 09:25

It doesn't sound like you are engaged. If you want to see where the relationship goes, then give it time but take the whole engagement thing off the table and say you'll discuss it again in a couple years. If you don't see it going anywhere, just end it. A few months in is way too soon to be deciding to get married. My dh and I started to talk about marriage when we had been dating for 6 months. We both knew that's where things were going and that's what we wanted. But we were together 2.5 years before we got engaged (even though we knew before then when we planned to get married). My family also lives in a different country. It didn't stop him meeting them as it was a priority for both of us given how seriously we took our relationship. If someone really wants to marry you, they will make it clear. He doesn't sound like he does right now and it sounds more like you both jumped in before you had a chance to think it through.

Span1elsRock · 10/10/2019 09:25

There's a book called "He's not that into you".

Read it.

Welliesandpyjamas · 10/10/2019 09:20

Sounds like an unhappy waste of your youth, OP. Aim higher, enjoy being you.

CluelessNewMama · 10/10/2019 09:18

@FuriousVexation you must be amazing in bed

Either he isn’t ready to get married (understandable in early 20’s) or he just doesn’t want to marry YOU. You need to establish which and if the former decide whether you are happy to wait.

Raphael34 · 10/10/2019 09:11

He doesn’t want to marry you. And you barely know each other. Why not concentrate on the relationship and getting to know each other at first?

PickedByYou · 10/10/2019 08:55

If you are arguing about things like this at such an early stage in your relationship I’d take that as a bad sign. Hits all too much too soon and too young. You need to slow down and enjoy yourself. I wouldn’t bother staying in a relationship if it wasn’t fun and easy.
Do you want kids? Does he want kids?

Gwenhwyfar · 10/10/2019 08:50

"He has proposed.
You have a ring

What else do you want? You can tell who you like, when you like. Doesn't need some huge song and dance."

I don't really agree with this. That can be a 'pretend' engagement. If he doesn't tell anyone, the he's not really engaged and doesn't have to get married, does he?
A friend at uni was supposedly 'engaged' to a girl he never met up with. He eventually found out she'd never told her parents about him - they weren't actually engaged at all in any real way.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Juells · 10/10/2019 08:49

I can't help wondering if the OP hasn't done the Big Reveal herself because somewhere deep inside she suspects it will lead to him saying he wants to end things. It's easy to stay living with someone because it's handy, quite another thing to commit to marriage, children etc..

mankyfourthtoe · 10/10/2019 08:47

Is he as financially stable, where would he live if not with you?
Could he be stringing you along?
There's loads of threads on here about blokes who propose then never follow through as you're not the one but they don't want to be alone.

Juells · 10/10/2019 08:46

Take the bull by the horns and plan your big reveal.

....and watch him run a mile.

Unflip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.