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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancee took back engagement

41 replies

Xsavanah · 09/10/2019 21:40

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months. We're young but not too young (both live together and work FT). Have been living together since day one but that's a different story.

He proposed fairly soon and we agreed we wouldn't actually make it official until later (like a year later) as he hasn't met my family yet. .

Then we agreed we'd break the news on date x which was 6 months from said proposal. He "forgot". Then never brought up the topic again. When I Do he says "what am I supposed to do" or "I still want to propose sometime in the new year". Now he is saying I'm x month of the new year.

I've been miserable about his approach to it as would rather not be engaged and not in this drama, who is BU? Is this normal?

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 09/10/2019 21:43

He doesn't want to marry you.

peardrops1 · 09/10/2019 21:44

It sounds like you might have rushed into it in the first place and he is now regretting it. How is the rest of your relationship? You say you are young - there's no rush to get married.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 09/10/2019 21:48

He doesn’t want to marry you and this all sounds weird and rushed, and frankly immature. Cut your losses.

Jollitwiglet · 09/10/2019 21:49

What do you mean you wouldn't make it official until later? Generally you're either engaged or not. It sounds like his proposal was insecure and not actually all that serious

Wafflecopter · 09/10/2019 21:53

Surely when you get engaged it should then be ‘official’? Otherwise why bother asking.
Very odd situation, and to be honest, it doesn’t sound like he wants to be engaged.
I think it’s time to have a chat about if he’s decided he doesn't want to take the next step right now (or ever) with you.

Smelborp · 09/10/2019 21:56

It sounds like he has quite an immature approach to engagement. Time for a chat.

Cloudyyy · 09/10/2019 21:59

It doesn’t sound like you are engaged to marry at all.

AlrightTreacle · 09/10/2019 22:02

I'm confused...Did he actually propose with an engagement ring? Or did he just suggest he wanted to get married and you said you'd prefer to wait until he'd met your family?

HavelockVetinari · 09/10/2019 22:02

Unless you can actually tell people and have set a date you're not engaged. Sorry Sad

I know a couple who have been "engaged" for 5 years, they haven't set a date and he clearly has no intention of marrying her. It's sad and he's a dick.

Elieza · 09/10/2019 22:05

Sounds like he doesn’t want to get engaged for some reason. Either he doesn’t want to marry you or could it be that he’s saving for a ring?

embarassednewname · 09/10/2019 22:05

you're not engaged...sounds like you both rushed into this, I think he's having second thoughts and you need to decide if this is OK for you.

Skittlesandbeer · 09/10/2019 22:06

An engagement is either official, or it's nothing.

I’ve always thought that engagements (in modern times) exist mainly to force young men into thinking seriously about commitments and their future. Nothing like an expensive ring, and facing her family to sharpen their focus. Without those things, it’s just a fun thing to say in the afterglow of sex.

Tell him you’ve realised that without public acknowledgement you aren’t engaged. Don’t bring up the topic again, just organise for him to meet your family. If he stalls on that, realise he’s not a keeper.

Why on earth hasn’t he wanted to meet your family after all this time? A good man would have pushed for it. That’s a more important thing for you to consider than parties and rings.

nancyjuice7 · 09/10/2019 22:07

Two options (I presume no ring)

  1. drop the subject, move on with your relationship, assume you're not engaged and never have been thus far
  2. give him an ultimatum, proper engagement or it's over

You can't hover between the two, which is what you're doing now

OhioOhioOhio · 09/10/2019 22:08

Omg. It doesn't get better than the beginning. Tell him to get lost.

GetKnitted · 09/10/2019 22:10

Agree with the other posters, if he / you can't make it public you're not seriously engaged to be married. But also, the thing about being engaged is that that is the easily reversible bit. Divorce is really horrid, but getting unengaged is basically simple.

It would still be worth trying to work through it, figure out why he has cold feet, see if there is a different speed of commitment you could both live with. After all getting married is not a walk in the park, you're going to have to learn to communicate properly with each other, so you might as well start now!

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2019 22:28

What's the massive drip feed about your live in partner of nearly two years never meeting your parents?

Atalune · 09/10/2019 22:29

if he liked then he shoulda put a ring on it

Original poster
Xsavanah · 09/10/2019 22:56

Sorry to drip feed! And thank you for all the replies.

So there was a ring which is mine (a beautiful diamond ring). Right now it's sitting in the house as I told him I don't want to wear it if he keeps going back and forth and obviously isn't ready.

He has not met my family as they all live in a different country (he met my dad and step mum when they were visiting but no one else so far).

I agree, it's like he wanted to do a grand gesture, I was happy... And now he doesn't understand that it's been a crappy thing for me to deal with.

There is no rush but we are in our early-mid twenties if that changes anything. Just had a massive fight now as he just doesn't get it and keeps using man logic "well I would be ready now but you didn't give me time". And I hate myself for being the kind of person who is nagging but I want to have a conversation about it yet I feel like a desperate crazy lady talking to a wall. I don't care if he sells the ring and takes the engagement back I just want to be able to have a reasonable conversation about it.

Our relationship is good everywhere else,icing together, housework,.managing finances etc. He contributes a lot to our everyday life and put my needs first most of the time.

My family is spread out all over my home country and I myself see them once a year or so due to work and money.

You're all right though - it's all just really immature.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xsavanah · 09/10/2019 22:58

*living together is what I had in mind! Wine

OP posts:
WagtailRobin · 09/10/2019 23:04

Why put yourself through the agony of wondering? It isn't fair on you and the reality is if he was genuinely interested in getting married, the engagement would have been sorted without the need for you to push the subject.

Did he need a place to live around the time of this proposal by chance? Just wondering as you said you had both been living together since the beginning.

Something forced will never last long term, if it's meant to happen he will make it happen, if not then you need to either accept it or ditch him.

PickAChew · 09/10/2019 23:09

He doesn't want to marry you and why would you want to marry him?

Bellasblankexpression · 09/10/2019 23:11

Im confused. If you have an engagement ring surely he already proposed? How much more official can it get?
If it’s a ring you just have but no proposal... you’re not engaged. And he doesn’t seem keen.

LemonPrism · 09/10/2019 23:14

Also sounds like you're the same age as me (24) - you've been together less than 2 years and you're young, you barely know if you'll make this work long term.

All this 'lets get officially engaged' stuff is idiotic. You get engaged when you plan to be married - not as a next stage of relationship statement.

Tell him that you're not engaged anymore and that he should only propose if he is prepared to be married within say, 3 years.

AlunWynsKnee · 09/10/2019 23:19

Call off the engagement. Then you know where you are and you can stop talking about it. If he asks you again then you only accept if he's ready to book the date.

Iamthewombat · 09/10/2019 23:22

He’s changed his mind. Sorry OP. Agree that he got carried away with the grand gesture then when he realised he wasn’t in a Hollywood film or an episode of Love Island, but in fact was in the real world, he got cold feet.

I’d move on personally. Who needs this shit? Nobody wants to watch somebody falling out of love with them. Also, he doesn’t sound very mature. Life isn’t a series of dramatic gestures to put on bloody Instagram.

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