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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fiancee took back engagement

41 replies

Xsavanah · 09/10/2019 21:40

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months. We're young but not too young (both live together and work FT). Have been living together since day one but that's a different story.

He proposed fairly soon and we agreed we wouldn't actually make it official until later (like a year later) as he hasn't met my family yet. .

Then we agreed we'd break the news on date x which was 6 months from said proposal. He "forgot". Then never brought up the topic again. When I Do he says "what am I supposed to do" or "I still want to propose sometime in the new year". Now he is saying I'm x month of the new year.

I've been miserable about his approach to it as would rather not be engaged and not in this drama, who is BU? Is this normal?

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 10/10/2019 00:30

Oh I'm sorry OP. But I don't really understand how you can get engaged and it not be official yet. If someone really wanted to marry you they wouldn't need even to get engaged they'd just marry you.

It just sounds a bit juvenile - like teens getting together but not being 'official'. That's what kids do! He's not ready yet for marriage - or not to you. It's hard now to row back and pretend it never happened. It's spoilt it unnecessarily - you're both young there was no need to even be thinking about marriage. There's so much more of life to live before you need any of that. You've had been a single adult for 6 years why tie the knot for marriage for the next 50 or more years of your life? For a big gesture?

Ultimately I don't think this is the relationship for you. You've been backed into a corner now of being the one desperate to be married with him not being so keen and it's got in the way of your real joyful and fun relationship - it will eat away at the balance and equality between you two. It's over isn't it really.... you have more time to be young, free and single and plenty of time to find someone for whom the time will be right soon enough for marriage. Change it up girl!

Purpleartichoke · 10/10/2019 00:38

You have been together a year and 9 months, so 21 months.

The announcement of engagement was postponed a year and then an additional 6 months. So 18 months.

Does that mean the proposal took place 3 months or less into the relationship? I’m in no position to say it is absolutely too fast because DH and I were engaged within a few weeks of dating (we had known one another a decade), but given his reluctance, I have to think this was not a well-considered proposal.

I would end the engagement. I’d also be sure to be very careful about birth control if you aren’t simultaneously ready to end the relationship. You don’t want to be tied to him forever if this isn’t moving forward.

Hesafriendfromwork · 10/10/2019 00:43

My family is spread out all over my home country and I myself see them once a year or so due to work and money.

So you have been home once, perhaps twice in this time and he hasnt been able to afford to go with you?

Or would be due to go again very soon and he cant afford to save up for flights?

Wonkybanana · 10/10/2019 00:47

well I would be ready now but you didn't give me time

He's being a bit of a prat and now he's making it your fault (look up gaslighting). Maybe he did get carried away and rushed into a proposal, but you've done nothing wrong up to now by actually assuming he meant it. However actions speak louder than words, and the takeaway from his behaviour is that he doesn't want to be engaged any more. You can accept that, and carry on living together, or you can decide you don't want to be with someone who's a flake. But the one thing you can't do is force him to back up the first proposal with anything more. He's just not going to do it, and forcing him now will only result in greater heartache later.

mathanxiety · 10/10/2019 00:58

This was all far too much, far too fast.

Too many excuses not to move forward, on his part.

Too much hurry to have the deal sealed, on yours.

Sell your ring. Use the money to put toward a security deposit for a flat of your own. Move out.

If this relationship is meant to be then it will happen in good time. Maybe ten years hence?

You both need a lot of space right now, and freedom to explore who you are and what you really want out of life and why.

caringcarer · 10/10/2019 01:02

Traditionally the man chooses when to propose and the partner chooses when they will wed.

I know things have moved on but he is stringing you along. He proposed in the flush of first love and now he is living with you he no longer wants to marry you.

I would cut your loses and ask him to move out. Don't be in a rush to get married. It is best to get to know your partner really well and learn he is trustworthy before you commit to him for life.

EleanorAbernathy · 10/10/2019 01:25

I don't understand, you're either engaged or you're not, surely? Not engaged then officially engaged?
When I got engaged to DH we told everyone the next day.

How does it work, are you not allowed to tell anyone? You say there's a ring, why not just wear it?

Italiangreyhound · 10/10/2019 01:29

YADNBU.

DonKeyshot · 10/10/2019 01:36

Fgs don't let good diamonds go to waste! If it's no longer a symbol of engagement wear it on your right hand.

Regardless of what, or not, it's meant to represent, he gifted it to you. It's yours and may provide you with a nest egg in old age or can be handed down to a grandchild/great grandchild.

If you don't hang on to it I can assure you that you'll live to regret it - there's nothing quite like your first engagement ring.

PapayaCoconut · 10/10/2019 02:05

And I hate myself for being the kind of person who is nagging but I want to have a conversation about it yet I feel like a desperate crazy lady talking to a wall.

That's his fault, not yours. He's behaving like a crazy weirdo, not you. Give him the ring back (don't listen to @DonKeyShot. "Nest egg"? Come on! A guy this half-arsed is hardly going to be spending thousands. A bog standard second hand ring is probably only worth a few hundred, if that. I sold my first engagement ring for £80.) Tell him you were never engaged in the first place. Then watch him throw a strop and behave as is it's all your fault and you've ruined everything with your unreasonable demands... Then dump him. He sounds untrustworthy and mean.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 10/10/2019 02:08

If I were you I'd move out even if it's a flat share and put some space between you. I'd actually suggest dating again so you have more experiences to compare with.

Imo it's not normal to move in from day one as the lines become blurred, you've become a family unit too early. You need to date, not live together & enjoy time with friends before you settle down. You need to emotionally mature too & it sounds like you're both playing at being grown ups. A bit like pre school children with pretend play.

DonKeyshot · 10/10/2019 02:23

The OP's c25yo Papaya.

In 50 years' time the ring could be worth considerably more than it cost and, while I very much doubt it will keep the OP in luxury, it might provide a few treats that she may otherwise struggle to afford particularly with the way state pensions are going.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/10/2019 02:30

You're either engaged or you are not. Just like you can't be 'a little bit pregnant', you can't be 'sort of' engaged.

It has nothing to do with 'fancy' proposals, rings, or announcements to friends and families. It is a promise between two people to marry at some point in the future, period. If he has 'taken back' the engagement, then he has broken that promise to marry you. Period.

Engagements get broken all the time. He either wants to marry you or he does not. If he no longer wants to marry you (and no bullshit about wanting to make a proposal or whatever) it is up to you to decide if you want to continue the relationship.

Sockypuppet · 10/10/2019 06:07

Gosh the same thing happened to me. I was enjoying a relationship with a nice guy, he proposed about three months in and I said, "Wow its quite soon..." He proposed again about nine months in and I said yes. He met my dad and called himself my fiance...

And now nothings happened. Unspecified family objections on his side, which I take to mean he's changed his mind.

The unfortunate thing is that by setting up this situation he's made it impossible to continue what had been a nice relationship!

Elieza · 10/10/2019 21:41

Where did the ring come from? Did you go shopping for it together or is it either your or his family heirloom?

Just wondering if he went out if his way to get it or if it was just lying around in a jewellery box that was nana’s, kind of thing?

If you shopped for it together he was serious at one pint, but it seems his thoughts on the subject have changed. If it was a family ring with not much effort involved he might just have done the whole let’s get engaged thing to keep you happy, it cost nothing, and he didn’t have to follow through...?

Redwinestillfine · 10/10/2019 21:45

He's not going to marry you. If you're ok with that stay, but if not get out now.

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